Amnesia

Battersea

Josephine

We're finally back home, well not really but it's better than nothing. Hero insisted that me and Bea sleep at Martha tonight so I am not alone. I agreed because for one, Beatrice will already be at her grandma for tomorrow and for two, I did not want to stay with my thoughts in my big empty house.

  I went there to grab all of the necessities for me and my baby for at least two days since I don't how long I will stay at my mother-in-law's, and feed Dixie while leaving the house closed so she doesn't.

I received a text from Jamie explaining everything that Hero told her, and even if I'm scared of what might happen, I'm really proud of my husband for taking this kind of decision alone and after thinking of the consequences. Jamie said that the video will be shot tomorrow and she already talked to my team about it, so I have some time off to support Hero.

Beatrice is asleep in the infant car seat and I can see tears stained on her pretty face from the small mirror infront of her car seat. It's been a tough day for everyone but mostly for her today. She was tested, touched by a lot of people, she couldn't eat properly and she didn't want to leave her Daddy.

Getting her out of the hospital room was heartbreaking as her cries were filling the quiet hallways. I had to breastfeed in the car and Hero was on Facetime with us so she could calm down.

  After about ten or fifteen minutes, my nipples were on fire since she was sucking on them for dear life but, she finally fell into a milk coma. Me and Hero talked for a bit until he said goodbye, leaving me alone in the car.

Now I'm on my way to Battersea and I can't wait to eat, shower and sleep after my long day. Today started fine, I dropped Bea at her grandma's then I went to numerous interviews in London. At noon I ate a tuna sandwich and a milkshake but as I was leaving the store, a grandma poured her frozen yogurt down on my black tank top. I got home to change into something else, got other interviews, wiped one or two sexists comments then went to the hospital.

On my way there, Mia called and said she couldn't fly for now as it was planned but she would come next month. I arrive to the hospital, walk into a fan and take picture with them. I climb the stairs to my husband's room since no elevator was free, and hear a beautiful speech. Talk with my family, breastfeed and then 'BOOM'... The worst happens !

My daughter, that I haven't seen a lot, seems to behave weirdly and I don't know about it. She is diagnosed with autistic traits and I feel my life tearing apart. Yesterday I came home with what I thought was an healthy baby, now I come home with a disabled kid and shoes stained with yogourt.

When I see Martha's townhouse, I stop the car and take some time for myself. I think about what will our lives become and how did it turn sour like this. I jump when I hear a small knock on my window, Martha is looking at me with worry and I smile at her to make her know I'm fine. She smiles back and opens the back car door to take Bea while I get out of the car.

I am happy that for once, Bea hasn't woke up and cried. I open the trunk and take the suitcase for me and Beatrice and lift them upstairs, in Hero's room. I throw myself on the bed and gaze at the ceiling for a while.

I turn my head to my left and smile at the sight of West Ham United posters and polaroid photo stuck in a mirror frame. Apparently, the room changed a bit since his teenagehood but the blue and white walls are still the same. A crib is hidden in a corner of the room and I smile at the sight of it.

Behind me there's a window with cream curtains ornamented with silver butterfly tiebacks and a really tiny wooden bookcase. When I look to my right, I am taken aback by something that wasn't there the last time I was here, before my trip to Paris.