Crushed

Sophomore

First year done. Three more to go. Hopefully this second year is not that bad. Better than the second semester of freshman year. My grades started to slip a bit after what happened, but I am determined to not let anything like that happen this year. He apologized a few days after. I want to believe him when he says that he will change and that he wouldn't get angry like that again. I do want to believe him but the scars on my legs make it hard to. 

                           ++++++

" Jasmine can you come here please". 

"Yes". I really did not feel like talking to him, my head still hurts and my legs hurt when anything rubs against them.

" Can you sit down please" 

I sit reluctantly, hopefully whatever he has to say he will be done quick but knowing him it will turn into some long, annoying lecture. 

" I don't want us to have to walk on eggshells around each other, you don't have to walk on eggshells around me. I know you are upset with me right now and I was upset earlier but now that I have calmed down I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry.

Sorry? He's sorry? Loves me? I feel my anger start to surface as he continues with his so called apology.

" I shouldn't have reacted like that. I just forget that my little girl is growing up and I can't believe it. I still see you when we were taking you home from the hospital. I do not want you in the car with other teenagers is all, it's dangerous. I was a teenager once and they can not drive and with these phones it is so easy to get distracted. I was a teenage boy once too, he is only offering so he can ask for something else later. I just want to keep you safe and out of problems we can avoid. I made the mistakes already so you don't have to, I don't know what I would do if something happened to you. It would make me a bad father if I just sat back and never said anything and let you do whatever and go with whoever. Yes I was angry and shouldn't have acted the way I did, but maybe if you didn't have such a smart mouth all the time I wouldn't have had to act that way. You can always come and talk to me, I will work on not getting so angry but I will always be here for you. That's all I wanted to say, you can go back to your room now."

I feel the tears start to burn my eyes as he keeps going on. I cannot do this with him right now. It always comes back to it being my fault, huh. I am so angry and I want to show him how angry I am but I cant. Its bubbling up inside me with nowhere to go, I wont let it out. I wont show him how his word bother me. I can feel the slight pressure building in my head behind my eyes, that's where my anger goes. Into a headache that will settle right behind my eyes and down around to the base of my skill where it will sit until I can distract myself long enough for it to go away. Maybe he means it. But when I lay down and pull the cover over my legs, the sting from the healing welts and broken skin make me doubt it.  

                      ++++++

I can feel that familiar pressure start to build my eyes and I will myself to not think about it. I don't want to be angry, I am sick of being angry. I feel angry all the time now and I don't know if I should be grateful that the sadness turned into anger. But the anger is almost worse, the almost constant headaches from it, I can never focus when I'm angry which makes doing anything feel impossible. I try my best to feel nothing most of the time to just let things roll off me like water off  a ducks back. I will be happy this year, that is another thing I want and I plan to find things that will help with that. 

I have more basic core classes again this year. Another English class with Danny. Yes, turn up! Then Geometry after which is honestly super lame because it's math. I've started to realize that usually all English and science classes tend to be on the third floor, Social studies, business and other electives on the second floor, then fine arts and math on the first floor. I know there's classes in the basement but luckily I have none there. Imagine going from the basement then the third floor next period, yeah that's a big no for me I would be so pissed.