My story.

I don't know how to say this. I've never confessed this in public before so I'm kinda nervous ( nervous is an understatement ) I've known for a few years now. I sometimes question it but maybe it's because I have never gave into the temptations. When I was about 8 I started feeling different in many ways.

I liked a girl.

I've always like guys though... Which confused me but still to this day I like girls. And I've always been 'one of the guys' you could say. It's scary knowing that my family ( if I were to tell them ) would hate me. It's been a fear of mine for many years. Like they wouldn't understand or they would say it was a phase.

But do phases last this long?
Do they last for 8 years?
I kept it dormant for a few years until I was about around 11 then I started to understand what was happening. I knew what "gay" was.
I liked this girl ( who was a total bitch by the way ) then that's the moment I told the one person I could trust with a secret so big.

My cousin.
I told her I was lesbian ( I didn't know there was an in between )

She didn't even know what "gay" was at the time because she was just about 10 years old, But I told her. I don't remember if I cried or not but right now I probably would have. To say I was surprised was an understatement when I found out years later that she was in fact gay also.

I don't know why I'm writing this but I have a feeling it's because I can't talk about it with anyone else. Because I feel as though no one would understand.

Me not knowing who I was until recently has took a Tull on me. I've had anxiety all my life when I was a child it was horrible. I couldn't even go places with my friends because I would have anxiety attacks. I was so afraid of storms that I would cry when I heard it was going to rain. My childhood was filled with traumatic experiences. My father was a abusive drunk and drug User. He verbally abused my family but physically abused my mother and older brother. He started abusing me as well when I got older. It all seemed to calm down over the years. He's calmer but still has tantrums.

I've been depressed here and there through out the years. But it all started to get worse when everything that had happen to me sunk in.

A sword violently punctured my heart as if it had been poisoned with depression.

I was 15.
My depression had gotten so bad that I resorted to self harm. I wanted so badly to die but I couldn't kill my self. My only thought that kept that from happening was my family would be sad. It wasn't because life is to precious or it will get better. It was me being ignorant For even thinking suicide was an option. I started to slowly feel normal ( as normal as I could feel ) and after about a year and a half of hating my self and crying almost everyday and wishing to disappear I felt almost like the old me.

Almost.

One night I decided I wanted to come out to my mother. I was coming out as pansexual to her. But first I started explaining to her what pansexuality is.
She thought that it was stupid.
I'll spare you all the details but it hurt.

I decided that night I would kill myself.
I cried for hours it was to the point where I couldn't breath and I was gasping for air and then I had a panic attack I started hyperventilating and everything hurt... My heart, my body, my soul, my whole being hurt from the rejection of a parent. But then something bloomed in me that night. Something so surreal and somehow relaxing. It felt as though there was a light, a flame inside of me that had been lit. I believe it was a sign from God to keep going to enjoy my life and what it has to offer. At the time I didn't really even believe in God but I decided to pray for some unknown reason.

I prayed for happiness,
For peace,
And for love

I called to God... I screamed for him to listen and to answer my questions. I thought to my self "if God was truly real then why was he making me feel this way... Why did I want to die why did I hate my self. " but at my darkest moment I asked, I begged and I pleaded for happiness.

Then something happened. I had the urge to call my cousin that I previously talked about earlier. She came over and helped me through it.

No miracles happened right away but after a week or so I started to feel different. More excited about things, things didn't seem so dull, they seemed more colorful. I became happier each day and soon my depression was just a distant memory.

And now... I'm happy. A bit confused as of what I may do with my life but happy.