By Hanan Merims Zlate
New York Times #1 Best-Selling Author
I woke at dusk. Or so it seemed. I blinked wearily and observed whatever I could. I meant to get up to my feet and get used to my environment and to what was then the feel surrounding me. I bent my back over, to reach for the pale gray canister
of salted rain water that was accumulated overnight. At that action of putting only a bit of mass on my left arm, I let out a poor turbulent yelp. I bent my head over the cold asphalt floor and recognized an aisle of blood droplets. I knelt over, to understand what had occurred, but at that very moment I couldn't hold the urge to cry, and I let my pain be expressed in words. I finally noticed a 3 inch needle jabbed into my veins. I took in a deep breath and yelled while taking the needle out of my arm...a howl that would have woken the dead. I heaved the instrument to the ground and snickered at the 30 others lying before me. I had no plan in my mind whatsoever, so I remained on the ground and witnessed the first few droplets of rain sprinkling on my distressed face.
I took another needle from my rusted leather sash and carefully dug into my veins. I laughed and I saw paradise in front of me, everything was plated in gold and was filled with light. Next, I saw what seemed to be the hell below my feet. I saw magma running as slow as a snail seeping through the coal cracks formed on the ground. I saw demons of grotesque features and terrifying intentions. Then all went black...
When I opened my eyes, everything was back to my usual, unexceptional state of mind, the way it always has been... But then again, before I could go back to my low life, I was back in hell. My head ached, trying to stop my dreams, the world all around me seemed to just zoom out, and I felt like there was only me in this cold world. I sat criss-crossed and suddenly, everything just went cold like the Arctic. My hands trembled and my teeth clacked together.
I started hearing what I thought were voices, telling me different things, and all at once. It was the first time I have experienced such symptoms. My eyes felt like I could see the world... the real world that was below our feet. I felt like I could see the other realm of the Earth. I shivered and all I felt was an algid, bitter, and bone-chilling breeze swaying by me. I heard the voices of my parents saying those last words...which were lingering in my brain ever since. "Congratulations, Nester! You have been accepted to MIT, Cambridge, and Harvard! We are so proud of you! Our son is going to be the next Einstein, we can feel it already! But don't forget. You, Never...never take drugs!" That was a promise that was meant to be kept. And That was the last happy memory about us together.
Now here I was, outside in the cold, in stained ragged clothing. The voices in my head were telling me to commit all those crimes and sins, while others were implying I have no worth in this world and I am not cared about. "You don't want to live in misery, just end it all now! Take your life when you have the chance". The voices were getting louder and more aggravating. The air dropped 7 degrees and severe frostbites were invading my hands. I began screaming and screaming, bashing my head against the old brick wall. I could not take it anymore, the voices were killing me. "I just want to DIIIIIIIIEEEE!" I took another needle and stabbed it in my neck, by accident, and BAAAAMMMMMM!
"Beep, beep, beep".... I heard no more voices, and it was warm like I was lying right beside a fire. The floor was no longer stone cold, but it felt like a silky delicate platform. My eyes were still closed, but my mind was already exploring the scenery I was in. Finally, using all my strength, I succeeded to catch a glimpse of where I was. Everything was white like the clouds in heaven. Windows everywhere were attracting all the sunlight toward my chin and up. Was it broken glass or sparkling diamonds what I was contemplating? Then I was back on the cold floor... and the voices were still talking, like they have never left. They were commanding the same things as they were before: " Kill yourself! Do it before it's too late. Leave this miserable life. Nobody loves you, nobody cares about you. You don't even exist!" The temperature was frigid and crisp. Frosty icicles, larger than my arm, hovered before me in midair. I yelled and sobbed and yelled and sobbed. Nothing more. I wanted to jump over the Empire State Building and watch my body plunge to the bottomless doom, while my soul could enter the heavens, and I would be born again. I took another needle from the sachet and laced it through, trying to enjoy every second of it...But the pleasure just seeped through the air. I vociferated more and more because there was nothing else that I could do. My head ached as if it was hit with a colossal boulder rolling down an abyss 60 miles per hour.
I shut my eyes and wished I could be back at my old home in Boston, where friends and family would always give me a warm welcome and would take the edge off me with their smiles, lighting my face up and always making my day. When we could all snug up as a family and live the life. But I wasted that, and I now felt like trash. The voices continued to persuade me, the space around got colder and colder, and I no longer knew that warm feeling of love in my heart.
I brainwashed myself from love and affection to misery and sorrow, by doing the thing that my loving parents always told me to not do: take drugs. But that wasn't an option when they no longer were with me. When they died in front of my eyes. Shot 13 times in front of my eyes! Spat on like dead slaves. Forever haunted by that memory...Staring, horrified, at the murderer who walked away laughing and that's when it all began.
I have been a drug addict since I was 16 years old. I am now 22, and I have suffered the consequences that were brought from the devil's due.
I did not open my eyes for a while and when I did, I was back in the hospital and I felt a spark of hope in my heart and warmth slithered across my pale rosy cheeks. I thought it must have been the drug, but... "Mr. Raymond.... how are you feeling today?" She was beautiful. Her dark brown eyes were the colour of fresh hazelnuts in the spring trees after being showered by drizzled rain; then under the sun, her eyes' glow would change into a strong caramel touch. They were mysterious and gentle, yet fierce and rebellious. Expression of her character right at first sight. A kind, merciful person, but daring and strong. Her fawn blond hair trickled down her long, curved shoulders. Her hair reminded me of summer. Long and with no limit. And full of love and life. Like the summer breeze drifting on by your face in the early morning...She was like a wonder, and I refused to look away.
She had a tied up fish braid that sided next to her snow white lab coat, making her look like she was the most experienced doctor in the field. When she shifted to the shade, her hair seemed to darken , the colour of the sky at twilight. She was slim and nicely tall, near my height. Her skin was a shade of light toffee. A beautiful tan. Her lips were classic and she had a softhearted face. Her nose was refined, and she could never be more dreamy. I was in love!
-"Mr Raymond? Are you alright?" -"Hm...hm... where am I?" -"Massachusetts General Hospital. Only the finest psychiatric hospital in the world." -"Boston! How did I end up here?! I was in Washington minutes before. I was born in Washington!" -"No... you were always in Boston, and this is the state in which you were born as well. How are you feeling?" -"I feel fine, just please let me out!" -"You were found unconscious near a parking lot. You were rushed to..." -"How long have I been out?" -"Almost 2 days. We believed you were dying, but your pulse rose back to normal right when we thought we lost you." -"What's going on?!" -"Mr. Raymond, you need to calm down and rest. All I could say is that you almost died. And now you are in extremely fragile condition... Get some sleep." -"But I..."
SLAAAAAMMM! She left the room, shutting the door. I was already asleep for 2 days! I couldn't take my mind off her, and what kept me up all night long was that I couldn't catch her name... It was the middle of the night and I was hearing the chirps of the tiny, humble crickets living above the flowers and plants surrounding the hospital. In the morning, still awake, I heard the signal of the rooster waking the whole neighbourhood. I leaned my head towards the window and witnessed the cold morning dew, drooping down the newly framed windows and slowly laying on the green grass. I sighed and had not expected to see anything special, when I tilted my sore neck on the snowy white pillow... Just when she appeared...the angel whom I was longing for and who has kept me awake during the night and through dawn was there. She lit the solitaire room and her dazzling eyes shined brighter than any of the lights could have ever done. She stayed put like an English Royal Guard that was on duty next to Buckingham Palace, yet she smiled like a celestial being. She resembled an archangel or a divine messenger sent from God. A mystical appearance that was here to release me from my torment of despair and suffering. I grinned, and after about a minute or so, I closed my eyes. When I opened them next, she had vanished.
I regretted the fact that I could not enjoy what stood in front of me, but I no longer wanted to remain on this bed. I grunted and realized a diaphanous crystalline tube, cleanly cut, through the vein in my left arm, and followed up by a gimmick mounted across the bed. I tugged at the wire in my arm and let out a little screech. I reached out to the door, but at the same moment its knob turned, before I could place my hand on it.
The angelic nurse stood there in wonder. -"Are you of service, Mr. Rainer...?" I figured that she was hesitating to call me by my first name. -"You know, Nester was the legendary wise ruler who helped the Greeks win the Trojan war. This adventurous name is also related to the Lester-Hester family. The meaning of Nester is 'traveler'. It's one of the most perspicacious names in history. Oh, by the way, perspicacious means...'' -"Smart!" the beautiful woman replied, stopping me in my path. "It also defines a royal European name, meaning 'wise army'. To the Americans, this name would evoke the stunning mountain in the..." -"Washington state," I finished off, beaming with delight. This was the only way, I thought, to attract this beautiful woman, and it seemed to work. -"You don't seem like someone who would be so eager to try this poisonous substance"... -"I thought so as well." -"You know, you might have a second chance. You could start over again." -"That's the thing I cannot do." -"What?'' -" The voices... they want me to die.'' She pulled the roster hanging on the bed's frame, and said, after looking into it, -" It doesn't say anything about voices.'' -"Of course it doesn't."
All of a sudden, she walked towards a trolley perched in the corner of the room, and she picked up a small jar with some sort of liquid. I noticed it instantly and snatched it from the nurse's hand. -"What is this?!" I asked in a definitely intrigued tone, but that was well deserved, in my mind. -"Drugs! Just when I had faith in you! When I had finally something to look up to! When I had something to hope for. And now you're trying to make me a 'husk' with your drugs. -"You won't make it without treatment. If these voices continue to to overwhelm your thoughts and annihilate your mind, you are going to end your life yourself.'' -"Don't say that! I have faith.'' -"It will be too late, Nester!'' -"Stop!!! I am getting out of this place. You people, are just like everyone else, especially you. I thought you were different!'' -"What is that supposed to mean?!'' -"It means... I thought that you, out of all 7.3 billion people, would be the one to give my life back.'' -"Well, it's not my fault that you are on this crap!'' -"And it wasn't completely mine either!'' She stopped talking, standing like a statue. -"What do you mean?!'' -"My excuse starts with my parents. They died. I took it because they were killed in front of my eyes. 13 blows....'' -"I'm sorry! I had no idea...'' -"Of course you didn't. Nobody does. And now, there will be no more of your silly meds, cause I'm throwing them away!" -"Stop! Just hand it over!" -"Never!'' At that very moment, she slapped me on the left cheek. I don't know how, I toppled over and fell to the flat, clean floor. I held my face and whimpered like a sick pup. She gasped at me and we met face to face and stared in the eyes...two opposite expressions. -"I'm so sorry! I don't know why I did that.' -"It's fine,''I reassured her. She sobbed in tears and stormed out of the room.
I knew I was causing enough trouble if I would stay in the hospital any longer. So I figured I would leave the room during the night, and listen to the voices in my mind once and for all. Afterwards, my plan was all spread like butter on the surface of toasted bread. Night had come by, I was ready to retreat back to the alley near the streets, where I rightfully belonged. I had opened the window, and I was almost dumped over by the ferocious wind and the Poseidonion rain. Suddenly, I heard the door clicking behind me. I leaped through the window like a puma, and heard the nurse's voice trail behind. I threw the ridiculous blue gown over my head, to protect me from the rain as an umbrella, and sprinted away. Without hesitation, the voices sprang up from nowhere, as if they were awaiting for this moment. The hospital sprouted a sort of comfort, but I couldn't, not for one bit, confront the young nurse, tormented enough , as I hurt her quite sufficiently. The only regret I had was that I have not known the name of this exquisiteness, and I will never from this day forward.
Cars were passing by, and puddles of mud countered me. I arrived at the alley where I planned on spending my last days. I leaned towards the vandalized brick wall and quickly fell asleep in the merciless rain. I woke up in the morning like always, except I heard nothing. No vehicles honking at each other. No police sirens, no drilling occurring at the construction sites. I didn't even hear the chirping of the ephemeral crickets. I didn't hear a thing! I thought I might have gone deaf.
Suddenly, I heard something. Something was forthcoming, imminent, from the different dimensions of silence. The voices.They were back from their vacation and began to order the same thing again. My body reacted to their commands, listening like a controlled zombie. I tried to lift my arms, but when I looked down, I was in a straitjacket. I looked around me and had a vague idea of where I found myself to be. The walls looked as if hundreds of pillows were sewed together. There were no windows, and the room was cold. Numbing cold. I started coughing and coughing, hearing a crackle in my voice. My head was drenched in salted sweat, and my arms were swollen from the powerful steel cuffs that fought against my urge to escape the hospital. I didn't know what was going on, and why I always found myself in an asylum. I haven't done anything wrong. Don't mind me, I'm just one of those countless drug addicts. Or so I thought. Fantasms were dominating me. They were not pleasant either. Demons, that were never even described in myths or books, unlike I have ever imagined. I saw myself running, as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran and ran. The demon was chuckling and hissing like a 10 ton snake. I stumbled and plunged over the dirty roads. I looked up, and the monster leaped and poof ...gone with the wind! Right in front of my eyes, the vision vanished, leaving a vast smoke, that I couldn't help inhaling. Next, the door slammed open, ending the nightmare of the demon about to finish me off. Heavy breathing, sweat and more sweat. I couldn't see who had entered the white chamber. I squinted, and thought to see an old man, with a stethoscope hanging from his right pocket. He approached me slowly, and the perception of the old doctor turned back into the monster. I gasped and moved, trying to escape from the steel bars that held me down. It came closer, leaning over me, and hissed angrily. It grasped my leg, and I panicked, screaming and bursting into tears. I kicked its chest, thinking not to harm Satan's demon, only to make it more angry. But it flew to the ground, and let out a small squeal, like a piglet would have done. It then morphed into the old man with the stethoscope, groaning on the floor. I didn't understand what was going on, and how the monster always got the better of me. The creature pulled out a walkie from his lab coat, and barked through it, "Get me the security now!" I started to panic again, trying to escape, but I couldn't get the... Suddenly, 4 men dressed in grey suits barged in the room, straining me down. I yelled, asking what have I done to be locked up in an asylum in the first place...
A familiar voice sparked out of nowhere saying, "Nothing Nester, we're saving you.'' -"Why?'' I screamed. "From what?'' -"Your addiction. These drugs you're taking, they are making you see things, and hear things.'' -"No, they aren't hallucinations. They are real! You have to believe me!'' -" Let us help you,'' offered the voice. It grew more and more familiar, but I just couldn't put the finger on it. Then, She appeared. The woman who's name I never got the chance to acknowledge. On her lab coat, her name was engraved, and I urged to see. -"Dara,'' I said. She nodded. "What have I done?'' -"No, the real question is what haven't you done?" -"What is this?" I was losing my patience, and frustration was invading me. " Let me go!" -"Go where? If we let you, where are you gonna go?" -"To the alley, on the streets." -"And what are you going to do? Let yourself be chased by your hallucinations? Your diseases is getting worse, and there is no time to play around. This is a psychiatric illness, but the worst can be prevented. It can be stopped. Just let us help. You deserve better!'' But the voices were there, telling me to deny everything what Dara was saying. I couldn't help it anymore. The voices spoke, and Dara spoke. It was too much. I tilted on my side, and I don't know how, the bed flipped over. Dara let out a scream, and the men around rushed to get me up. I kicked and cried out like a little child. "What a life ahead of you!" She took out a needle, and stabbed me deep in the arm. Everything went black.
I woke and found myself next to Dara. She was sitting beside me with her notebook, smiling at me. The voices were gone. The monster was gone. On the counter were two white capsules and a glass of water. I quickly took them and felt a sense of relief. "I read your files. I'm sorry. I didn't know what happened to your parents until now. But you have to believe me. You have been living on the edge for too long. You have to help me, if you want me to help you. I'm giving you a second chance. Take it. You can fight this''. I nodded.
Three years later. I had been following the rehabilitation program long ago. Thanks to Dara, the voices were now history, and the demon no longer stalked me. I was prescribed several pills a day, but other than that, I am Nester Raymond, and I go to MIT in my second year. I have been clean ever since...No more heroin, no more LSD will destroy me.
Luckily, I was given the so called opportunity. And I had a choice. I was fortunate enough, and brave enough to get back my freedom. My message to all who suffer the same plague as I once did, would be: All of us are given a second chance in life, so take that chance because that might as well be the only one you get.
