Bad Reputation.

Introduction

I've been searching for something out there to try and fill up my mind. To distract me from everything that has happened. Honestly so much has happened I don't even know where to begin. From my many awkward moments, relationships & friendships that come and go, going through the highs and lows in life and trying to fix all the shitty parts of myself before I'm thirty.   I feel like time is running out and life is just going by way too fast. It feels like life won't wait or slow the fuck down. Everybody always wants you to be something you're not. It's like you have to be forced to fit this image, you have to be thin but not too thin, thick but not too thick, you have to have a huge ass but you can't be fat. You have to have huge fucking pornstar tits but a tiny waist. You have to have your nails done, makeup on, hair dyed/cut/done. You can't wear a skirt or a dress or you're immediately labeled as a 'Slut' you can't wear leggings or jeans or you're a 'Prude'. Trying to meet up to everyone's standards and destroying yourself over it all is so fucking exhausting. It's like everyone is a victim not just women but males too, I can only imagine the shit that they have to go through. For women it's like a never ending contest of who's sexier, who has the best ass or tits, who's thin or thick, is she fuckable or not, is she worth  it or not, It goes on and on. It's so dumb. It sucks. Women towards other women can also be just as cruel and you'd think every girl would support one another and be all about 'Girl Power' right? Wrong! Because listen, women are some of the biggest critics that other women have to face. No man could ever talk us down and make us feel more uglier and insecure about ourselves than another woman belittling and downsizing another woman, that shit is so unattractive and it's so fucked up and evil. I'm not like that. I love supporting other females and cheering them on, complimenting them and being kind because that's just how I am, I AM a kind person and I have a heart. Plus I can't stand bullying. It's sick.

Sometimes I just want to fucking scream and run away from this town. Pack my bags and move to a city where no one would know me and just go completely off the grid. I'd live in some tiny apartment by myself and have a good paying job, make new friends and find true love. Start  over. Become a new person and leave my old life behind my family, friends, all of it. Just leave it all and go completely ghost. Hell maybe even change my name and dye my hair a new color or switch up my style completely. I would change everything. Maybe I'd miss it but I don't want to be here anymore. This city.. this city has done nothing but break my heart and never once healed it. I always end up in this damn depressing city that no one wants to be in. Its cold, we're poor, we're hungry, we struggle. Honestly I'm so sick of struggling I just want to live and feel alive for once! You know? I'm tired of having this heavy heart. I'm sick of being misunderstood or not being heard or taken seriously. I just want a change. Something different. Something I've never had before but always wanted. I wanna chase my dreams without people crashing them down and ruining everything. Because I had it all, I had everything and opportunities for eternity.. and I let one stupid thing ruin all that. 

I can't help but feel like I have to stay secret and keep my life on the downlow because I'm terrified of people hearing things about me and that ruining everyone's perception of me or changing how they feel towards me. I'm scared that they'll hear a rumor or a lie, or a made up story story that's not even true. You become so afraid that they could never love you or want to meet you because they've got these preconceived notions about me that they heard over something totally fake and gossip. And I think that is why when you have a Bad Reputation you kinda become scared of it because of all this pent up anxiety and sadness you get from being called a word, being told something shocking or seeing something you really wish you haven't. You know? It feels like everything becomes so delicate and you have so much fear, that when you finally make a new friend or form a new relationship and fall in love everything is so fragile and you don't want anyone to know because you don't want to share or ruin a good thing. When they like you you can't help but think to yourself "Why?" you don't think it's for the best because your reputation has never been worse so they must really like you for who you are, so you live and love in secret. Its honestly so beautiful and so soft and cute to build up a new life and be in love in secret because no on has to know and no one can ruin it.