Chronicles of a Teenage Christian

8. Miserable And I Don't Know Why!

I have a lot on my heart to share with you all. The past 2 weeks have opened my eyes so wide and I really believe that it opened a new door in my relationship with God. For 2 days straight I was absolutely miserable and you know the crazy thing? I didn’t know why!!! You’ll never be able to imagine how frustrating and draining feeling like this is unless you’ve been through it yourself. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, it was absolutely horrible.

On the 2nd day I just broke down in tears (for no reason!). I cried out to God asking what was wrong with me and this is what I wrote in my journal:

Dear Lord...

I feel wrong... I don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t know what to think, do, or say. I just want to know you. I want to know I’m doing all the right things to know you. What am I doing that isn’t good enough? I want to genuinely cry out and repent but I don’t feel guilty of my sin anymore because I’ve cried out to you before and  I’ve stopped doing what I used to do so what is it? What is wrong with me? I’m fed up, frustrated, sad...

All my life I haven’t known you but now that I’m trying to, I feel like I’m going nowhere. All the things I think you’ve shown me I 2nd guess wondering if it was just me. I’m out of my element. I don’t feel connected with you at all, it hurts to say that but it’s true. I don’t have a yearning for you but I don’t want to fall away from you either. I’m stagnant in my faith. Lord talk to me... I need help and I can’t do this on my own anymore. I don’t want to give up on you because I know you’re here with me but I just don’t feel it.

Am I saved? I don’t know

Is the Holy Spirit within me? I don’t know

I’m tired of being tired and I just want to be free.

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m broken enough for you to fix me because I have food, water, parents, love and support, education and everything others pray for. I’ve never really been hurt and broken by men like all these women I read about. Why do I feel like you have to bring me through something in order for me to be firm in my faith? I don’t want to wish for a bad circumstance because I won’t be able to handle it. So what do I do? So many unanswered questions!

 I do bible study but I don’t feel like anything applies to my life. I want the JOY OF KNOWING you’re here with me, listening to me. I want the peace of knowing I’m honestly seeking you with my whole heart. Just give me that peace Lord, I want to find you.

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Lo and behold, God showed up the next day and told me exactly what was wrong with me. Stay tuned for the next post where I’ll reveal exactly what He taught me about myself. If you feel or have felt exactly like this before, you may want to keep your eyes peeled for this one...