I know I've hurt you so many times. For the past three years, you never did anything but to love me. And I know I've been an ass for screwing things up.
I can still remember everything. I can still remember how it all began like a movie playing on and on in my head.
You were broken that time. I don't know why you did confess to me but I listened to your heartaches. At first, it was all that. You confessed your pain, I listened. Until, it became just a casual conversation. We talked on the phone about nothing until morning. We talked again when we woke up. The connection on the other end of the line... the connection between us that I have never felt before was there. It was cliche because we eventually fell in love with each other.
We always talk but we never talked about our label. We never talked about 'us'. We just... knew.
For the whole summer vacation that I spent with you that year was one of those that I will never forget. That's where I felt it. How my heart raced when you're around. How I felt my cheeks burned when you hold my hand. How everything turns to blur when you kiss me. You made me feel so special.
Christmas Day. I sent you a letter. I pour everything I feel in that letter. How I loved you. To my surprise, you sent me a loveletter, too, that day. The same letter I sent you about. You told me how much I mean to you. And that you love me.
But then, we still don't talk about our label. For me, it was just a 'label'. What's important was 'us'. Our feelings with each other.
We start and end our day with 'I love you'. We may be miles apart but you never fail to make me feel how much I meant to you. And I'd loved you more each day because of that.
Every month, we kept on sending each other a loveletter. One that I will never forget were the ones you sent me with your poems. You made me loved poetry.
Months passed. Each day I fell and fell and fell in love with you.
Until you sent me a letter for my Graduation Day. I've read it when I got home. I was all smiles while reading the first part, but you suddenly dropped the bomb. You told me good bye. You thought you were not good enough for me. You told me you loved me and you were sorry. It was my goddamned Graduation Day. It was supposed to be a happy day. But I was miserable. You didn't text me backed. You didn't talked to me even if I'd called you a hundred times that week. I felt like all my energy was drained. I don't have the energy to get up from my bed every morning. I barely eat. It was replying over and over in my head. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
A month after, I got a text from you. You were asking how I was. I told you the truth. I was not okay, I was miserable without you. What made me cry more was when you told you were, too. You were miserable, too. That you were sorry again but you will take me back whether I like it or not. Of course, I do. I did. I did want you back.
Months became years. Three years had passed. We were both in college. Different universities. Still miles apart from each other. But the connection was still there. Or not.
We barely talked on the phone. The seven-times-a-week became three to four times a month. The I love you was barely heard anymore.
I knew you have someone new. I can feel it. And I was the one to blame.
I am sorry. I don't know. I did not fall out of love. I'm sorry because I took you for granted. I was so sure that you won't leave me because I know for a fact that you love me. I thought you were always be there. That I forgot that I should not have changed. I should not have treated you like you were an object that I will just drop when I don't need you and pick you up again whenever I want. It was unforgivable, I admit. That's why you find someone who will treat you right. It was all my fault.
I know exactly how it feels to lose you but I gave you reasons to leave me. I was miserable again. This time, I was the one to blame.
I did not ran after you nor asked you to take me back. Why? Because I saw you. I saw how you smile while talking about her. I saw how happy you were. I saw how you look at her. I saw how you treat her. That's how you had looked at me. That's how you had treated me.
You asked me if we could be friends again. And we remained friends. I was stupid. I shouldn't have agreed to that. Because when I talk to you now, I have to pretend that I am okay. That everything's all right. That I am happy. That I am not hurting. But I am! I am hurting. I am in pain. I am miserable. I am lost without you. And I have to put up a goddamned smile on my face whenever you have to talk about her! I am breaking... I'm sorry but I want you back... I just want you. You and no one else.
But I know better. I know you won't take me back because I screwed up. Big time.
I'm sorry but I still love you.
