Travelling Soldier

...why did you have to go

                                                                           -- present time--

Castiel looked in the small mirror on the bathroom wall, not recognizing the man staring back at him. His face washed-out and damp from the sweat, his stomach in utter knots causing him to feel light headed and ill. Reaching up to his blue tie, he twirls it around making an uneven knot, pulling the smaller part of the tie and tightening it around his neck. 

Blue. He always told Castiel it was his favourite colour on him. 
"It brings out your eyes Cas." 

Castiel's chest tightened as he sat on the toilet seat. His breath faint and weak. He was nervous walking into this church, he certainly wasn't the holiest man on earth. He has made mistakes, he has sinned, and how could he pray to a man who never answered him anyway. 

Should he walk out? No one would suspect a thing, he would just tell Sam he got cold feet and couldn't do it. 

"Cas, you can do this. Do this for me."

The voice in his head said as clear as bells in the wind. He knew he could do this, but did he want to? Did he want to go into this feeling lost?

Castiel stood up once more, looking at himself in the mirror again. He gripped his shoulder where he felt a slight pressure.. the pressure of someone placing their hand gently.. the place where he use to place his hand. 

Castiel reached for the door handle, closing his eyes as he opened the door. He slid out quietly into the main lobby of the church. He looked around the main area, looking for a sign that he should run, but instead he gripped the church door that lead into the service. He opened the door, noticing a lot of voices growing quiet as he walked down the isle. The trumpets from the military band playing a solemn melody outside.

He held a single white rose, lowering his head as he tried to hide his tears. They started coming instantly with no fault of his own. He picked his head up and made eye contact with Sam as he walked by, Sam more collected than himself. Sam gave him a reassuring nod and a small 'thank you', as Castiel walked passed him. 

Castiel looked forward at the preacher, and gave one last shuddering breath as he placed the single rose on the coffin. 

He took a seat in a pew with no occupants, kneeling before he made his way to the end. He wanted to be away from everyone. No one knew what he was to Dean, and how could they? They would have been harmed for being with each other - and maybe that makes it easier now, he doesn't have anyone giving him forced condolences. Or is it harder? He has to deal with this alone. 

When he first got the call from Sam, he begged that he was dreaming. He even went out of his way to cut himself to wake him up from the horrible nightmare, that Dean, his green eyes, was dead. 

The preacher started his service, starting with a bow of the head and a prayer. Castiel didn't look up after that. It hurt too much. He would never be able to hear his voice, see his eyes crease when he smiled wide, smell his scent as he held him close... that was unbearable for Cas. 

The service continued, his close friends reading small psalms from the bible - if only Dean could hear this nonsense. They knew Dean was not a holy man, and didn't believe in a book. Castiel let out the weakest smirk - he knew Dean too well. Not only his partner but his best friend. 

Sam stood up at the stand now, a crinkled paper in his hand. 
"Dean was my brother and my best friend," he started, "and he would have loved to tell you all to get lost and stop crying right about now." a small chuckle came from multiple people, followed by sniffling. 

"He also loved every single one of you. My brother had a weird way of showing his love, but we all know he cared for us all deeply. And I want to read one of his letters that were very important, that he sent home from when he was deployed." 

Sam gave a little cough, swallowing down his sudden rush of heartache.

"It starts out with him saying 'Sammy! I know I'm thousands of miles away but I need you to be okay and to stop worrying about me over here. I'm great I promise. You better be taking care of Adam... anyway, I'm surviving. It gets hard but I have you and I have ..... well someone else to keep me company with these letters.'  -- Dean wasn't very thorough or clear with his letters" Sam let out a small laugh.

"But there is passage in here, that I feel is relatable for today. 'Sammy, I need you to be strong. I will tell you why everything is going to be okay... I found a white rose today. And how is that relevant you're probably asking, well Sammy I'll tell ya. A white rose is youthful, new beginnings and everlasting love.. and it was growing in the middle of a field - a single god damn rose Sammy. This is just a new beginning man, and everything will be ok...' Now, I don't think this is a new beginning, but he said everything will be okay.. and although it might not seem okay today, I know it will be, even if it hurts." 

Sam looked at Cas, smiling weakly. Cas took in a deep breath, feeling his chest pain with the inhale. This wasn't easy for Castiel because he had no one to turn to that his partner was dead. And he certainly couldn't be this heartbroken over a friend.

The service ended after a few more hymns and passages, but it all seemed wrong. Dean wasn't religious. Cas knew Dean would want to be remembered with a good diner meal and a glass of malt whiskey. Sam knew this too, but for everyone else this was perfect.

Castiel didn't hang around for the reception or the burial, as it would have been too hard to hide the fact he has lost a part of him. People would grow suspicious and he didn't want to jeopardize anything, or risk his well-being. 

The drive home was long and quiet. Since Dean left his whole life has been quiet. He missed the groggy sound of his voice when  he woke up, and he missed the way Dean would whisper in his ear, his warm breath on his neck as he told him how much he loved him. 

Castiel was not okay - and he wasn't sure how much longer he could handle a world without Dean Winchester.