Guide My Steps - A Zak Bagans Story

Dancing Days of Jameson

“Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments. I can see no way, I can see no way…and all of the ghouls come out to play. And every demon wants his pound of flesh, but I like to keep some things to myself. I like to keep my issues drawn. It’s always darkest before the dawn.” – Shake it Out by Florence + the Machine

*

Nighttime came rather quicker than we all expected, and having raided the rest stop miles back in another state, Billy and Aaron were already passed out in their seats. Halfway through the ride, Gracie had poked her head over her seat and whined towards up. Bagans smiled when the blue-eyed canine snorted happily at his nod. With agile hops, the Border collie mix scaled almost two sets of seats to curl up directly beside Bagans.

He laid a hand in her black-and-white fur, fixing disheveled curls by laying them back into place. A smile graced his lips the entire time. I wanted to die right then and there. This man, the one I had slowly and irrevocably fallen for, had the biggest goddamn heart in the world. People always thought of his as a douche – which he could be at times – but that was only because the man guarded his heart with chained and padded three-inch steel doors. Everything about him was latched and well protected under so many locks and keys. Only few were allowed in.

Nick, Aaron, Billy, Jay and I were those lucky few. We knew just about everything that went on. Well, they didn’t know about the mixed feelings I was sure he had for me. But everything else, everyone was always open about. Except me. Perhaps I should’ve really reword that…

“You awake?” I heard Bagans whisper.

Looking to him, I nodded, but it was dark and I realized he couldn’t see me. “Yes.” I said quietly, knowing half the crew was asleep. The hushed vocals and instruments of whatever music Billy and Aaron were listening to were the only sounds to be heard, besides the noise of the highway and SUV.

I felt him move a little and I flinched in surprise when his hand grappled around my side. After a few seconds, he had wrapped his arm around my waist and had scooted me flush against him. I smiled, resting my head against his shoulder.

In the silence, we both had our heads turned to the right as we watched the dark hills pass by. The night was beautiful despite the few clouds that had yet to clear away. Some stars were shining through what clouds remained and the moon played peek-a-boo every with turn we made.

“Despite my love for Dracula weather...I wish the clouds would just go away for once.” Bagans grumbled close to my ear. I nodded my head against him in agreement. “It would be so much prettier.” He murmured, setting his head on mine. A smile slowly spread across my lips. This was nice, so nice.

“I want to stay like this for the rest of my life.” I said into his shoulder, nuzzling his shirt with my cheek.

His smile, I knew, was present. “In my arms?” His grip tightened. I reached my hand down and squeezed his thigh as if to say ‘yes.’

“Where’s this hotel?” My voice was raspy and dead from all the days I had lost sleep. I was beginning to get a little impatient and very carsick because we’d been on the road for more than six hours. I desperately needed to stretch my limbs, and I feared they were already frozen at the joints.

His hand moved up and down my side. “In a few minutes.” He promised as he rested his opposite hand over mine on his leg, his thumb rubbing little circles over the top of my wrist. “Want to get a room together?” My heart stuttered in its natural pace. We were moving too fast. I wasn’t ready for any funny business.

“I don’t know…” I let it all unsaid, searching for a topic to change the subject.

For a while, he was silent, possibly contemplating over his thoughts.