six days. six fucking days. It took me that long to convince my stubborn hopeful gonn-make-this-year-my-bitch mentality that mange to wrangle my brain without struggle every year shatter.
Now i know after the infamous 2020 shit show we all had to endure everyone came in the silent agremment to enter this new year quietly and calmy as one can, but of course i have to bulid up exceptions that deep down i know will never be reached and will end up with me resenting the life i have only more because the fantasies of the future were simply prettier and easier than the real deal.
And quite honeslty i have myself to blame, i put myslef through the torture of fantasizing about the life i want and getting all but nothing of what i want. I know whoever has the unfortune of actually readig this have been in my exact situation too... well maybe not my EXACT situation but felt what im feeling right now or maybe is still on the the new year high we all collectively inhale the minute the clock hits midnight.
Anyways the reason i decided to spontaneously write this public shitshow of a diary is because of my dads return from his trip (dont worry he didnt comit any co*** violations). I havent seen this fool in like a month, meaning i spent a month with my mom as the sole adult and provider in our house. Now to clear shit up im not like the closest with either of my parents but my relationship with my mother is a hazerdous mess i try my best to ignore.
But supersingly she wasent the problem, nothing was really. which is weirdly surprising. Like i would go as far as to say that actually was into spending time with her, you know. But then my dad came and i suddenly remebered how toxic these people are. Like holy fuck. I really need to stop with forgetting everything them fuckers did to me the second they show a ounce of care and love towards me. I hate that they have the power to turn me into the kid I used to be. The one that wanted their attention and validation. It's so fucking annoying.
I wanna be able to let go completely. I wanna forget all this pent up emotions.I wanna not care. I just wanna be numb. emotionless.
or alternatively, i wanna die tragically and become a ghost and watch them mourn over the fact im gone and see them be consumed by ther guilt and never forgive themselves over how how they treated the people around them. Especially me.
well that was a bit...eh. anyways lets remember those six days of total bliss. Once i get the chance to get the fuck out of here, you better believe ill never come back.
