adhd thoughts

toxic relation ships

i realized that i don't really get good friends i mean don't get me wrong i have two really great friends but well i have always struggled with not having toxic people in my life because i always try to see the good in them and help them but then i forget about myself and the toxic people in my life. the most memorable one wasn't actually a friend but someone i liked and used me and i remember the first red flag i should've seen was when he kissed me without my consent, when he didn't want to talk on the phone, or he never wanted to take any pictures with me. i remember my heart shattering because he played with my emotions and then told me he had a girl this whole time and i felt so dirty because i've been cheated on before so to know that i was the one that was used to cheat made me feel bad for his girlfriend because i know that pain and it still eats me alive. but afterwards i kept in touch because we were on the same team and it was to not start any drama so i could still work with him. but it really hurt because after i said i didn't want to be with him while he had a girlfriend he called me an attention seeking whore it kinda hurt and i remember calling one of my best friends just calling my eyes out and they had convinced me to drop them.

i have a bunch of other times i've had people take advantage of me like this and i was told that it was because i was severely bullied in middle school to the point were i got death threats and i guess i never fully processed it so i tended to try and keep this toxic people in my life because i never had a real coping mechanism i usually just push everything down until it pops open or spills over.
i actually broke yesterday and had a full breakdown and they are not good and i blacked out a bit so don't remember a lot of it but i know it wasn't good.
i know this wasn't really an adhd thought but it's been eating at me all night so i just had to write it down