I think one moment in life where I actually felt something was last year.
I had gotten a pup from this lady, and that pup was a god sent. I named her Patricia, Pat for short. She is now my second reason for living. That damn dog is like the next best thing after food. Shes always making laugh, making me feel warm, making me feel again, like I'm supposed to. But sometimes it dawns on me, what will happen if and when she dies? what then? what do I do? will I find purpose? Its not easy having to fight with these thoughts daily, but I try to push pass them, I try to see the light at the end of my dark tunnel called a soul. Lets be really real for a second. I sometimes wish for a lot of things, impossible things, but what I really want is a sign. A sign to let me know that I'm worth it, to say I have purpose, reason, meaning. Just any signal that I am needed here because trust, I dont want to be here. Cause lets face facts. The world is ending, people are dying, sickness and famine rains, and I know your saying oh dying is not the answer, seek this and that, look at my perspective, I honestly cant give you one good reason why I'm still here. Dont get me wrong, Ive attempted suicide plentiful times. I hung myself once. But my aunt walked in. I overdosed on pills, doctors pumped it right out. I cut, apparently wasnt deep enough. I even jumped off my roof, but of course landing on your garden hose saves you. I wanted to believe it wasnt my time. Thats why I keep wishing to see my purpose.
All that blast from the past has led me to now, why is there a body in my room. Did I kill this person? Oh shit I'm going to jail. Dammit. I finna get raped with toothbrushes and shit. I dont know man. Sigh. Maybe I can hide it?
Woah, I just tried to roll it, but my hand past right through, you know looking closely this body looks hella familiar....
Is that....me? Am I......dead? This must be a joke right?
Then it hit me. I did it. I remember now. I sliced my own throat with the kitchen knife.....
So the saying is true when you die, your life flashes before your eyes as you take your final breath my final memories were the reason I did this....Do I regret it? I dont know. But I do feel different. Its new. Its contentment. I feel happy for the first time is so so so long. No more negativity, No more sadness, No more depression. I'm at peace now, now and forever......
