the selection

Chapter 16-Words that sink

It's been two days since Aaron has gotten sick. I have always been with him. Always when my family wasn't around. I know that they are my family and I should be able to express my feelings with them, but I can't I just can't. I sit by Aaron's bed and just constantly watch him. He's really sick and his leukemia is catching up to his body fast. He's a strong boy and truthfully I don't know if he'll make it. I really don't. I would love to be the optimistic one, but I'm not and I can't. Bea is the the ray of sunshine and is the most hopeful one, even though I think deep down she knows that Aaron isn't going to get better. When I can't handle my emotions, I leave the room and I go cry to myself. Thinking why Aaron was the one to get sick. He was a little boy, 11 years old. He had so much to live for. Me. Me though, I don't have anything anymore. I lost my spark of joy and love for this world when I was 14. A year into my abusive relationship. I don't have a purpose in this world anymore. I really don't, so why can't I be the one to go, Aaron deserves to have a life, he's young and a beautiful boy. Me. I am broken, shattered pieces, that can never be put back together. Ever. Everyone knows that my little brother is sick, well that he was sick, but now he's on his deathbed. Aaron only wakes up for a short period of time, other than that he's sleeping, he's conserving energy to try to survive this. This tubes and machines are still hooked up to him, and when he had fainted, he had a vent to help him breathe, it was taken off when he woke up for a period of time yesterday. Nixie, Lauren, Nella, Gia, Gabe, and Adrian have all tried to help me, even though I push them away, I don't talk to anyone at breakfast, at lunch, or at dinner, I just sit there, and pick my food, and eat sometimes.  I can tell everyone is worried for me, even Amy I guess, but I don't listen or hear them, I just tune out everything and I live in my own little world. No one sees me cry, no one, only one person has ever seen me cry and that's Adrian. But this, I can't, I can't let him see my emotions. This is so raw and so deep I just can't. My mind won't let me, it just won't let me do the things I sometimes wish I could do. I wish I could cry in front of others, show my emotions, not hide myself under a wall of sarcasm and snarkiness, but I do and that's how I protect myself. I built my walls high and I built them strong, but Adrian came, and then I told his shit I have never told anyone before. Never. Now when my brother is about to die, I can't show anyone anything cause then it takes me back to where everything started. 

flashback

I was 13 when I met Thomas, I thought he was a kind person, though of course boy was I wrong. I had started to date him, though he told me to keep it a secret from my family, so of course I did, that's why I never told them. It started as a good relationship, there was love there or at least I thought at the time. I did, I really thought that he had loved me. It was six months into the relationship that he started to ask me for certain things. He started to neglect me, and started to tell me I was ugly and that I should gain more fat. Thomas was a four. I tolerated it, because I still thought he loved me, but it wasn't until he asked me to have sex with him, that I put my foot down and said no, he got really pissed and angry. He picked me up and he started to torture me. He took a lighter with a blue flame and he burned me on my lower hip. It was in excruciating pain for six months after that. He continued to cut me and would drag his knife around me with blood on it. He forced me to kiss him, and he forced me to pleasure him. I would pretend to be a slut around him, dress in lingerie and make him happy, during those times, he never had sex with me, or if he tried I would stop him, then if I did, he would punish me, by burning me, or cutting me, or whipping me. He had manipulated me into doing his bidding, he was the alpha dog in this situation and I followed his orders. He threatened my family, my little sister Bea's and Aaron's life if I didn't do what he had wanted. I had broken up with him several times all to go back to him every single damn time to protect my family's life. He made me feel weak, and small and that I had no control in my life whatsoever. When he raped me, he took the one thing I never allowed him to have, my virginity, my purity. He took it and I was forced. That was the one experience that would scar me for the rest of my life. After raping me, he threatened my entire's family lives and also said what horrible things they would do to them, so I kept quiet about it. It hurt me deeply. I never understood how one person could be so damn cruel. Two months later, I had contacted the police for an arrest for rape on Thomas. When he found out, he beat me to a pulp and was on the run. I was thought to be dead, it wasn't until they had heard a very faint heartbeat that I was alive. Thomas is still on the run and hasn't been caught by the police.