Wanting Santana

Dancing with your heart on your sleeve

Santana POV

Why the fuck am I freaking out like this? I shouldn’t be this nervous to perform my solo for this week’s assignment. Although it’s the first time that I’m going to express my feelings for Brittany in front of everyone, even though nobody will know that. I decided to do this because I can feel Britt slipping away, like she’s getting a little bit more distant every day.

This week Miss Stewart asked us to dance to music that expresses our emotions or reminds us of things we truly care about, not that I think that it's any of her goddamn business. But anyway, Puck and I got this crazy idea that this could be the perfect opportunity to fix my relationship with Brittany. We thought if I would take this dance class assignment seriously, then maybe I could show Britt how I really feel. Maybe she would finally understand that I really do love her, even though I don't want us to come out yet. That hiding our relationship doesn't have anything to do with not loving her or her not being good enough, and I believe that I can get that message across with music.

When everything in my life was falling down and changing for the worse, music was the one thing that remained the same. Music has always been there for me, without it I would probably have gone insane years ago. When I dance, it's like the whole world stops spinning and I finally become one with my soul. It lets me access every part of myself, even the parts I try to keep hidden. It's like my body expresses what my heart thinks; you cannot dance without using your emotions. When I dance, I can finally release all of my feelings that I keep bottled up. Moreover when words aren't enough, I use the power of music to express myself.

But now, I'm having a bad feeling about this performance, I don't even know what I was thinking when I agreed to do this. Yes, I like putting my emotions into my dancing, but I have never used it to communicate with Brittany in front of the whole dance class. Yes, I have danced with her in private, but that's completely different. Because now, there's the risk that someone would know that the song I chose for this assignment is about Brittany and me. So maybe it's a good thing that I have brought my so-called boyfriend, Puck. Since right now, I can use all the moral support I can possibly get. Anyway, I guess it's too late to back down now since Puck's already waiting outside the dance studio. 

Puck's in a dance crew, and they always practice on the streets. That's why most girls think he's some kind of gangster, but that doesn't scare them away. In fact most girls like the dangerous edge that he has. Even though I know that he's just a big softie with only a tiny badass side. But that's what I love about him; he's like a big brother to me. Everybody thinks that I'm dating him, so he often comes to my after-school dance classes. Sometimes he even dances with me, which is totally awesome. He and I both love hip-hop and since we often practice together, it's only normal that we like to perform together in front of my dance class. We both love the sound of applause after performing a routine you have put a lot of work in. But even when he doesn't need to dance with me, he accompanies me because I like him there for moral support. He knows how much it means to me when he comes with me, because he’s one of the few who really understand what kind of courage it takes to dance with your heart on your sleeve.

Today I'm going to dance to 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri. It's a slow song, which means that I'm going to dance modern instead of my usual hip-hop performances. It's kind of a challenge, but it shouldn't be a problem because I have worked hard on my graceful moves, and even on my ballet moves, which I don't use very often in my dance performances. Therefore, it took enough work to put this performance together, but Brittany's worth it. Even though she's the only one who is going to know that it's for her, and of course Puck and Quinn will know that too. 

Now that I really think about it, Puck and I haven't really thought about how we are going to tell Brittany that it's for her. We probably just assumed that Britt would automatically know that if I would choose a love song to dance to, for this week's assignment that it's for her. However, I think that I need to find a way to tell her or show her that it's for her and for nobody else. She shouldn't assume it, but she should know that it's for her. I don't want my girlfriend to assume that I love her; I need her to know that I love her. That's what this whole plan was about in the first place. She needs to know that all the emotions and feelings that I'm going to put into this dance are directed towards her.