Well it was an interesting ride, to say the least. Different than last time no doubt but still very interesting and I'm glad It happend.
After this I don't think I will be writing in this for the foreseeable future, just the threat of this getting out to the public is cause for worry enough. I don't think I will delete the chapters though, not yet until I've had enough time to think it through.
I'll still be updating my other books though, but I think having this is going to turn out to be more of a liability than an asset.
for my last thoughts I'll share with you in this book, I feel tremendously hurt that my best friend would hide something so monumental from me for over a month and then expect me to forgive him in a blink of an eye, but who am I to hold other peoples past against them given my mistakes.
The ever-looming loneliness gets to me every day like a pit inside my brain, I'm still searching on how to fill it but for now I'll just have to live with it, I'm hoping that everything gets sorted out with time, because believe it or not I'm starting to believe again that everything happens for a reason, and I could tell you multiple reasons why, but I don't want this dragging on for too long.
If everything is on the table like I think it is things are going well.
I just hope that the future roadblocks are't too harsh on me, even though I deserve them all.
To think a year ago I would have laughed at myself if I knew what was going on with me now, and I also think I'd be disappointed.
I remember fond feelings of being flustered, starstruck, like I had just discovered a hidden gem. I remember a warm feeling every time I would simply say 'hello' but that is all gone now and I feel next to nothing day to day. And I know it sounds awfully edgy but it's the honest truth, If I'm being totally honest If I could just experience something like that again, even if it was just for a few moments, I'd feel content, the sheer joy I felt around this time is truly unparalleled to anything else in my life and I say that with absolute certainty.
I am so glad I've had each and every one of my friends along this journey with me, and I hope to make even more this coming year, I want to make myself completely unrecognizable to myself next year for the better, instead of being lost, cold, and almost totally incapable of having empathy I want to feel a range of things, I want to love someone, smile genuinely without knowing it's fake, laugh not because it's forced but because I'm happy.
I want to live again, I need to.
I want to see outside my window and see a land of opportunity and bliss, I want to smile every time I check my messages, stay up late and experience joy with no prior conditons, I want to feel like there is no more strings attached to me, like all of my past has been atoned and payed for by a new person who cares and helps without condition.
I want something to live for again, someone. But who, I do not yet know.
Even if I did I highly doubt anything could come out of it, but that's ok.
One day everything will get better, one day everythings going to change, or maybe it will be gradual.
There has to be an upside to all of this, right?
See you later.
:)
