Masks Of Yellow

A/N

Hello! My name is Vixen. This is the first story I am publishing on Wattpad. 

Many times throughout watching Haikyuu, I felt a strong connection to Sugawara Koushi. I felt like him and I had shared many of the same personality traits. 

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PLEASE BE WARNED, THIS STORY IS GOING TO BE TRIGGERING. I DO NOT ADVISE YOU TO READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED.

I will put tws at the triggering chapters.

You have been warned.

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Also, these chapters are going to be short. All the events that are happening in the story are written from my personal experience. Basically, everything is true. I try not to exaggerate any details. I want to keep this as real as possible.

The chapters are going to be short because I have to dig through my memories to draw out stories, and I've been pushing down these stories for a long time.

In a way, this is how I am going to be coping. It's all a part of the process I suppose.

THIS IS MY STORY YOU CAN SKIP TO THE STORY IF YOU WANT

In no way is this story a cry for help, a self-diagnose of depression, or in any way something meant to be rude or inconsiderate to people medically diagnosed with depression. For a while, I felt like shit. I wanna say for around 10 months, I was un-medically depressed, I guess you would say. I am not trying to diagnose myself with depression, but I knew that wanted to kill myself was not the way i should've been feeling. 

Throughout the 10 (and counting) months of the "depression" I fell into, I became very obsessed with my weight, so I started eating less. I would be starving myself for up to 4 days at a time. I honestly felt so disgusting. My parents would make me eat, but then I would secretly throw it back up later that night. It was really bad. I lost around 20 pounds. I saw other girls and hated how they were skinnier than me. I hated the way my thighs, stomach, arms, etc. looked. I wanted to live up to the unrealistic beauty standards, and I fell into the loop-hole of "I have to look like this to be pretty." Thankfully, now, I am so much more confident in my body.

My total suicide attempt count is 4. I used over dosage to try to commit suicide. The first time, on March 12th, 2020, I took 4 Ibuprofen at once. It may seem silly, but in the moment, it was all I had. The second time, on March 23rd, 2020, I took 5 Ibuprofen and 3 Tylenol. The third time, on April 5th, 2020, I took 6 Ibuprofen and 4 Tylenol.

I was good. I was doing fine for around 9 months, until January 11th, 2021. My brother had told me horrible things about myself, my sister was being very annoying, my mother said she hated me (not jokingly), and my father was being my father as usual. I had just recently had a friendship breakup that was taking me a while to get over. It is hard to describe what goes through someone's head when they decide to make that decision, but I am very glad that it failed. Within a few days, I found a reason to live again.

I appreciate everyone who was there for me when I needed help. I may not the the best at showing it, but I really do love all of you! Thank you so much for your support.

Onto the story!

~Vixen