I am willing to even die for you

The summer night we fought

It is late. Way too late for me now... This whole summer I've been working. I've worked my ass off for this single guitar. For Music. All I wanted was to impress him with what I can do. With how I've grown since we met. But this night ruined it all... After the our everyday band practice Hiiragi, yagi and I decided to meet him.Mafuyu. As we waited for him to arrive at our garage we booked to play almost every single day in the air got colder and the sky darker. I was humming the song that has been stuck in my mind for weeks. No even months now. It was only something I came up with but it was special. It reminded me of him... the pure but also intense sound made everything around you dissapear. Like his love. I never wanted this song to stop I wanted to listen to it every day every minute and this forever. The time passed by and by so I texted mafuyu. No response. He's not even reading it... but as I looked up from  my phone I saw him. Just running from the corner totally messy and the matching scarf we bought. I looked at him and was happy. Everyone always told me it's just a mood but all I would response with is: " if a mood makes you this happy I want to stay in this mood forever" and people mostly went silent. The look in his eyes was as pretty as ever and none of the stars could have been brighter. I slung my arm around him while I gave a signal to start going to Hiiragi and Yagi. We walked down the street to catch the last train this evening. The moon was full but I couldn't see it clear. Maybe I needed glasses or maybe it was just the clouds covering the moon. I laughed as I thought they wanted to protect the moon. However, Mafuyu started to talk. But his tone was different from usual. It was cold and feared and distanced. "Yuki is there a chance to maybe just go three times a week for practice." I stared at Mafuyu  because every single word of this sentence seemed unfamiliar. What is he thinking? Does he miss me? Why doesn't he just come to watch us practice? I was confused. I wanted to see his eyes but he put his everything in for me not to see. Is he maybe embarrassed and also why bring this up in front of Hiiragi and yagi. For the first time ever I felt like Mafuyu was speaking a completely different language. No one even dared to say a word as we walked towards the train station. And that was when he spoke up again. "Why did you have to go to a different Highschool? Why do you have other hobbies? And most important why can't I ever see you?" His voice sounded more broken as the time passes. All I could think of is that he wants me to change schools so that what I asked. Wrong... He just mumbled "no" "then what do you want me to do? I can move in with you can join our band. Or maybe I just come visit you every free minute. I also think we could go on trips I would give you all my money." This was all that crossed my mind this moment. I was worried and scared of what he would say but the answer he gave me that certain night was something I'd never have expected. "Quit your band" he said this time he sounded so sure it was like that was the thing he wanted me to do for an eternity. But this favor was too much for me. When I finally processed his words my look was worried and sad but also manipulative. I couldn't let this go. Music was everything for me it was just as important for me as he is. It showed me how to express all feelings ive been bitte,ing up since forever. It was like the end of the tunnel. "Mafuyu, you are my everything but this is a lot. Musik means the world to me even as much as you do. You know I'll do anything for you." "Will you stop with the music already" these words were like an echo in my head repeating. And all I could do was scream. I was mad... I was mad he would make me choose. I never wanted him to leaven. It was never my intention.. I don't want to hurt you Mafuyu... "Because I can't live without you!" I need to stay in contact. I'm not ready to let go I will never let you go mafuyu! We are soulmates." Would you die for me then?" These words these last words before he pushed me away meant everything. He wanted a proof. I am supposed to show him how much I'd give for him. But I can't give music I just can't it means too much. The train who went by the exact time he said those words. His scarf falling behind with my hand. Everything in this moment showed me how much I love him. Just one second after these words left his lips he ran away. Far away from me... Hiiragi and Yagi were waiting for me at the entrance of the train but u just flushed my hand over Hiiragis shoulder as a sign that I'll get home by myself and that I need my time. He told yagi and then entered the train as I ran down in the dark. I ran trough the whole neighborhood. I was so mad and so hurt all I. Hold do was run. I arrived at home at about 9pm. I took my keys, shoved them in the door and opened it fast. The cold breeze still continued when I took of my jacket. The cold was unusual for summer but maybe it was just the weather matching Mafuyu and my first fight. In all these years I've never seen him this mad. I bet he bottled up all this anger inside him this whole time. Why didn't he talk to me? Why not ? Am i a bad boyfriend am I not trustworthy? He is everything I think about he is the only one I want to be happy. And I just never noticed how you actually felt. You build a facade for your emotions and even hid them from me... I have nothing when I'm without you.. how can I show you this. I walked down the floor and headed into a small room with all kinda housekeeping stuff. In the back a tiny fridge with alcohol. All type of drinks my mom ever liked. I just took all these bottles with beer. I never really drank but this is all I can do. I can't face these feelings I have now. Not in this state. I went up to my room to drink them. And so the night went on with me drinking and drinking. Until, I drank every singe can we ever had in our house. And that was when I knew it. I need to make his words real. I need to show him that I'd die for him. And so that was what I did. My mom would come very late this evening so she won't catch me. I was grateful, for everything. I prayed a last time for my mom to be happy I also prayed for Mafuyu future and for Hiiragi and Yagi. I wanted them all to be happy but this was the only way I could prove Mafuyu what he means to me but not give up this feeling when I play music. I took a piece of paper and wrote scribbled the notes for the song. My song for Mafuyu. I look outside in the dark sky for a last time to feel the fresh air. As I took a rope I had from sixth grade when we used to play stupid games with it. I knotted it onto the  frame of the window and took a chair. The chair in the right angle under the rope. It was perfect . In the pocket of my guitar was the note for Mafuyu as I hummed his song. I waited... for about an eternity I hung there. My thoughts went crazy. I hoped he would understand me. I hoped for his happiness and that he knows how much he mean to me. And as the end of the song nears it gets white. I cried... A lot. But these tears would be my last every word I said to Mafuyu today would be my last. "I would even die for you Mafuyu"