i could hear my mother crying. the sound of her sobbing with the mix of the sirens wailing was the melody of a nightmare.
of course it isn't a nightmare. its real life.
i don't know why i cut my wrists. it all happened so fast. but what i know now is i regret it.
i regret not telling my mom i love her when she left for work, i regret the slashes on my wrists that are hissing in pain, i regret putting that rope around my neck, i regret knocking down the chair. i regret it all.
i couldn't see anything, it was all blank. dark. i could hear the sirens wailing closer and my mom sobbing. i could feel the tightness around my throat, the acidic taste in my mouth, the stinging of my cuts, and my mother cradling my body.
was this the end? am i going to die? i didn't want to die, i just wanted the voices to stop. i didn't mean to make my mother cry.
the regret and fear all crowd my head, clouding up my thoughts.
it was really dark and quiet all of a sudden. did i die? it was quiet and peaceful yet eerie and loud. i felt like i was floating. my body didn't hurt, i felt like i was just a cloud floating in the cool midnight sky.
there was a long beep noise, like when a heart monitor flatlines, but louder. it rang deep in my head, screaming at me. it make my guts twist and head throb. it hurt.
and next thing i know i wake up.
the room is so bright it stung my eyes. there was the sounds of machines and monitors beeping. i feel numb, like im holding onto life by a thread.
i close my eyes because its so bright. the sounds of the monitors beeping and the doctors outside talking was annoying. i felt cold.
i remember the last time i was in the hospital, it was the day after my 7th birthday. my friends and i were on the trampoline and they double bounced me. it was fun, until i fell and the trampoline didn't bounce me, rather the concrete ground shattered my right arm. the bone was sticking out, the pale yellow of the bone and the red of the blood covering my copper skin was horrifying. i remember the blood curdling screams of my friends and i mixing. my white shirt was starting to turn red from the blood.
i remember that was a year before my dad left. he was the one home at the time. he rushed me to the hospital and had my aunt come over to watch my friends. i remember he was so worried, so was i. when i got the cast on it was pink. i didn't like pink. everyone signed my cast like it was something to remember and be happy about. i hated it because it was heavy and itchy.
i miss dad. he was so nice to us. until he lost his job. he started drinking like his life depended on it. he wasn't an abusive alcoholic, but he used all our money on alcohol. one night he came home with another woman and that was it. mom made him leave and filed for divorce. i was 8 at the time and it hurt. i thought it was all my fault. i don't know where dad went.
i didn't like the feeling of the IV in my arm. so i ripped it out. blood was starting to gush everywhere but that's fine. i also took off the oxygen mask because it was uncomfortable. i looked over and the clock read 3:30. it was dark. the blood from the IV was gushing more. i sigh and get up moving all the wires and stuff. i pulled off all the little wiry things attached to me and walked around looking for a cloth. the blood was dripping everywhere. i grabbed some bandage and wrapped it up. the heart monitor was making a really loud long beep. shit. doctors will be here soon. i start to run out of the room. i run to the elevator and go down.
when i reach the bottom floor i run out of the hospital. the hospital was scary. they put tubes and needles in you and take your bodily fluids to run tests. i ran beside the highway, the blue hospital gown was un tying in the back, revealing my bare back. its cold. it was snowing lightly and the cold grass on my bare feet and the snow falling gently on my skin was making me shiver. i don't know where i was running but i was running away.
i never liked this town, it was full of drugs and rapists. all the people cared about were their drugs and alcohol. i hated being alone but now it was all i knew. i was alone from the second my dad left. i was alone when that drugged up thirty-something year old man raped me in the park. i was alone when i found out i was pregnant.
even now i'm alone.
