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I woke up with my phone on my pillow. Then I had laid there and just stared at it for a couple minutes. I'd talked to Harry for more than three hours last night. Until I had fallen asleep. Hearing my own voice when I knew he needed me to talk to him wasn't hard. Yet the idea of speaking to anyone else terrified me.
For so long I'd thought hearing my voice again would send me back into the corner, screaming uncontrollably. But it wasn't doing that. I was talking to Harry with ease. Last night I had actually talked about things I'd thought I never wanted to talk about again. And I hadn't had a panic attack or curled up into a ball and cried.
But was I ready to talk to other people?
No. I'd given them the only words I was going to give them.
I didn't want them asking me things like Harry had. I didn't want them making me speak in a courtroom where I would have to face my father. The man who had never missed seeing me cheer. Who'd clapped the loudest at my school play when I'd walked out as a bear instead of Goldilocks, which was who I'd really wanted to be. Who'd sung "Happy Birthday" to me dressed in a superman costume with my Marvel comics cake in his hands the year I was obsessed with superheroes. This man was dead to me now. He had made every good memory a bad one. He has become something else. Someone else. Someone I couldn't talk about or see.
If I talked, they'd want me to talk about him. About what I saw him do. About how he begged me to forgive him as I screamed for my mother to wake up. And I couldn't do that. I wasn't ready. I doubted I ever would be. I had watched him verbally and physically abuse my mother most of my life. Then he'd buy her jewelry or flowers and tell both of us over and over how much he adored us. Remembering the way he would refer to us as "my girls" made my stomach churn. He was so fucking sick. And me and mom always fell for that shit. We'd forgive him and play a part in his fucked up game.
Climbing out of bed, I began to get dressed and put this memories that were threatening to break through back in the tightly shut box I kept them in.
Liam parked the truck in front of school, but instead of getting right out, he looked over at me. I'd been lost in my thoughts all morning.
"Harry has been my best friend since we were little kids. I love him like a brother. I hate that he's gone through all this with his dad alone, but it's also so like him. He doesn't let people get too close. He's never been one to trust people. He always trusted me, though. Until this." He paused and sighed heavily. "He's decided to trust you. I think he's being honest about just wanting to be your friend. But I also worry about you getting attached to him. You've been through your own shit, Evelynn. I don't want him to use you. He won't mean to, but I'm afraid he will. Please guard yourself. Understand that he needs you right now. Maybe having someone to talk to that doesn't talk back is what he needs, and you fit that position. But just don't let him hurt you. Okay?"
I thought about my attraction to Harry. He was hard not to be attracted to. It was almost impossible. But I wasn't going to take his need to have someone who understood the pain of losing a parent as something more. I knew he didn't look at me that way. Shit, he didn't even act like we'd ever kissed. It had been no big deal to him, and I had forgiven him for the harsh shit I'd seen in him before. I Understood he'd been acting out because he was hurting. He pushed everyone away. But he wasn't pushing me away anymore, and now it was hard to remember to keep him at arm's length.
I just nodded. I appreciated that Liam was trying to protect me.
He reached for the truck door and opened it. That was the end of this conversation. I grabbed my book bag and headed into school.
I would be lying to myself if I said my stomach wasn't all fluttery about getting to see Harry. Last night had been special as it had been difficult. Even after Liam gave me a warning I really needed to listen to, I couldn't help but be very excited about being near Harry. Having him look at me with those gorgeous green eyes and being able to hear his deep raspy voice talk to me.
When I saw our lockers, I paused The excitement and butterflies in my stomach were snatched away instantly. Harry was there, but not alone. She was a cheerleader. I knew that from watching her at the pep rally. Her long blond hair was curled and styled to perfection as she bit her bottom lip and batted her eyes up at Harry. Then there was the way Harry was looking at her. The way he never looked at me. Like he wanted to throw her onto a bed and fuck her as hard as he could. I wished that was me. No, no I don't. Well.. maybe.
Jesus Evelynn get a grip.
My stomach twisted, and my throat tightened. The girl put her hand on his chest and he reached up and covered it with his own. Then he smirked at her; that had to be the hottest smirk ever because my heartbeat started going very fast and not the one in my heart. It wasn't even me that was he was smirking at. That was enough for me. I would just carry all my books to first period, and I'd make do with one of my other notebooks. How did Harry Styles have this effect on me that no guy ever had? What is it about him?
I hurried to class, trying not to think about my reaction to seeing Harry and another girl. Sure, I had seen him with Sage a bunch of times. But this time it hurt more. I was being unfair and probably ridiculous, because as Harry's friend I should be glad he was smiling and being happy with a girl rather than being sad. But as the girl currently secretly crushing on Harry, I was a little fucked.
Liam's words came back to me as I sat down at an empty desk. I needed to be careful. Harry just wanted my friendship. No More thinking about him any other way. And I had to find the off switch to my hormones that make me so horny. Jesus Christ what is this man doing to me. Maybe that blonde was the off switch I needed.
Mr. Trout came in the room, and everyone who was still standing around outside in the halls began to fill into the classroom. Niall Lawton, one of Liam's friends, came in last, along with Zayn Malik. Zayn glanced over at me and smiled before heading to the back of the class to sit beside Niall. The football players always stayed together.
Next class I had to face Daniella. After yesterday's lunch fiasco, I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. But I didn't have a choice. At least in this class no one ever spoke to me or acknowledged me. Mr. Trout was one of the teachers who thought he needed to yell at me so I could hear him. I always did my best not to draw attention to myself so he wouldn't need to say anything to me.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I continued to get my notebook and textbook ready for the lecture when it vibrated again. After checking to make sure Mr. Trout was still eating his breakfast and reading the newspaper at his desk, I pulled my phone out to check to see who it was. I didn't normally get texts at school. The last time had been when Louis was trying to talk to me.
I didn't see you at your locker this morning. Liam said you were here. Are you okay?
It was from Harry. He wouldn't have noticed me at my locker this morning anyway, why did he care? He'd been too wrapped up in that cheerleader. Dammit, I was doing it again. I couldn't be this way if we were going to be friends. He needed a friend. But this was so hard. I hadn't imagined being Harry Style's friend would be this difficult. Why I hadn't thought all this through, I don't know. I knew how he was. I knew how he acted out to deal with his inner turmoil. But still... this wasn't easy.
I'm here. I didn't need anything from my locker, so I came on to first period so I would have a chance to go over my homework.
Now I was a liar. Fucking fantastic.
I slipped the phone back into my pocket before I got caught, and made a mental list of things I should work on. Things that had nothing to do with Harry. Like I should start playing the piano again. My mother used to love hearing me play. She would have wanted me to keep playing.
By the time Mr. Trout had finished his Egg MccMuffin and drunk his coffee, I was in a better place. I Had goals, and I was not going to get attached to Harry Styles.
