Love Notes

5-We Need to Be Free

Trigger warning mentions of rape and abuse.

The couple sat in Beyoncé's theater room just lounging and talking not really doing much of anything. Beyoncé looked around the room trying to build up the courage to tell Michelle something she's been holding on to for a really long time. Something that only her parents and Kelly know. She felt that she needed to tell Michelle because she sees a future with the woman. She struggled with depression for a long time behind what she was going to tell her. They had been together almost four months now and the secrets she was keeping were eating her up. Beyoncé needed to release them in order to continue her healing process. She knew that having Michelle around would also help her too.

Michelle observed the emotions showing on Beyoncé's face, ones she probably didn't realize were there but showed none the less. Her feelings always came through in her eyes. There was something that was troubling her woman and she wanted to comfort her. Maybe whatever it is one of the things that her Aunt Charlene was talking about. The look of sadness and anguish clouding her features made Michelle want to cry. It was then that she knew whatever it was hurt Beyoncé deeply. She got up and walked to the chair Beyoncé was sitting in and pulled her up. Michelle hugged her and then sat down pulling Beyoncé down to sit on her lap. Beyoncé laid her head on Michelle's shoulder crying.

"Baby, what is it?" Michelle asked in a gentle voice while rubbing her back.

"TT, I have to tell you some things that I left out of my story about my past." She blew out a shaky breath.

"It's okay BB, take your time."

"I know you won't judge me but it's something that I never talk about but I feel I need to tell you. We've only known each other personally a short time but I see a future with you, Tenitra."

"You are my future Beyoncé and I'm here and listening whenever you're ready."

"Thank you baby," She pecked Michelle lips a few times. "Okay...whew...there are a few things I need to tell you. I'll start at the beginning, from the age of 5 to 15 I was molested by one of the ministers in our church who called my dad his brother. The worst part is that my parents knew he was a child predator and they still let him be around me and my sister. They knew, Tenitra, they knew what was happening. When I was 15 he got me pregnant. I didn't want to have the baby at first but my parents being who they were made me have the child. They sent me to live with my mother's aunt down in Louisiana, I gave birth the March after I turned 16. The baby was taken from me at the hospital and I never saw her again. They placed her on my chest after she was born and by that evening they wouldn't let me see her. They said that my parents made the decision to place her for adoption. I never signed any papers saying that I wanted to give my child up. That made me feel like something was up with it.

I know at the beginning I didn't want to have her but when you carry another person in your body for close to ten months you form a bond. I have no idea what happened to my daughter. I have been searching for her since I turned twenty but nothing's come up. It's like she vanished and it hurts my heart to think about her. I just want to know if she's okay. Two days in the hospital and my parents flew down to get me and take me back to Philadelphia. I don't know what my parents did but there is no evidence that I even had a child, I just know they had something to do with it. That sent me into a deep depression that lasted years.

Next thing is that I realized I was gay when I was in Louisiana, I had met this girl who lived a few doors down from my great aunt named Ayanna. I fell in love with her even though I was pregnant. She was a ray of sunshine and such a sweetheart. My great aunt told my parents and that's why they came to get me so quickly after having the baby. We never even got past kissing but to hear my parents speak of it, it was as if I let her take my virginity. When that was something that had long been gone because of him. So along with losing my child and leaving my first love I spiraled down a dark path.