What the mirror doesn't see (SHAVOxDARON)

Blue sweaters and baby pink skies

This piece is a gift to the wonderful public-enemy-sixx. They were and continue to be such an inspiration to me at all times and without Marmalade there would be no me writing on soad fandom. Marmalade was the very first fanfiction I read on this fandom and remains a fanfiction that continues to inspire me and keep me into this fandom. If you haven't read their stories you most definitely should. They are an amazing author and a wonderful person. Grazie!

Warnings: There might be descriptions of self-hate and body dysmorphia that might upset some readers. Read with care.
genderfluid! Daron, biologically born male. In this scene they are coming from a period of time when they felt female. This scene is the day just after that.

His reflection stares back at him through the full length mirror, sitting just like him on the bed, legs over each other and under his chin. Wide eyes, dark and searching seem restless as they skim around every other detail. His skin, peachy toned and soft, looks way too smooth for his liking... too feminine. He hates it. His hands run all over his legs, then, feeling the hairless skin and it does not go unnoticed by him how delicately his hands move. They look so small, fingers long and dainty, nails painted in grey glitter nail polish.

Daron knows what hides behind his crossed knees. He knows what his undeveloped chest looks like, what his protruding ribs feel like, what embarrassment tastes like when he has to wear shirts that expose his wiry thin arms. He feels the need to scream.

His eyes wander further to his pudgy tummy that will not go away no matter what he doesn't eat, no matter how careful he is. It's laughable to a point that becomes painful when he ponders over the proportions that his body decided to grow on, when it could have been anything but that. His face stares back at him, ruined makeup that does not belong there, carefully put blue eyeliner that he suddenly despises and wants to violently wipe away-

He wants to tear it down, wants to tear it all down. His eyes fill with tears that he won't shed, not today when the abomination that his body has become is right there looking back at him unforgiving and taunting... he won't give his body the satisfaction. Not today. He sits on his bed, shins crossed under his chin, in a pair of pastel pink lace panties that disgust him so dearly and he wants to laugh at the clown in front of him. He wants to laugh until he breaks down in tears, but he is scared that if he starts crying now, he will never stop.

It feels like coming down from a high, only that this one is nastier... he isn't sure he is able to live through this one.

Shifting by his side on the bed takes his attention briefly but he doesn't move from where he is. A very sleepy Shavo peaks into the reflection of the full length mirror that is holding captive all of his demons. His boyfriend shifts his long lanky limbs enough so that he can hug the younger in the position he is standing as he moves to look at their reflection.

"Good morning darling, what got you looking so pretty today?" He breathes into Daron's scent deeply and a sheepish smile covers his features. It makes the younger forget for a while the inner turmoil that lies behind his closed mouth.

Daron tilts his head to the side for it to touch more of Shavo and Shavo kisses the top of his head burrowing his nose into the bleached locks. He needs to get a haircut, he thinks scrunching up his nose.

"I can hear you thinking, Dars, my pretty baby girl. What got into you?" Daron winces at that, closing his eyes as he turns his head away from the mirror and tries to get away from Shavo.

Don't make it big. Don't make it big. Don't make it big.

It's a nickname that always gets Daron's chest fluttering, only that in this moment he would rather hear nothing.

"I'm, sorry. Daron, baby, did I say something?" Shavo seems to read him better than he is able to read himself as he holds him tighter and kisses the side of his neck. "My baby boy." Daron's insides twist and his chest flutters, he cannot help but smile at that and turn his head to kiss Shavo.

"Is that what has got you in such a mood?" Daron cannot help but stare at Shavo, through his big eyes and Shavo understands, of course he does. Daron is so lucky to have him.

"Oh, baby!" He breathes in a sweet tone, somewhat of a purr that draws Daron in so easily.

"You know what," the older starts, "we haven't been shopping in ageeeees. I want to take you shopping today." He looks at Daron through squinted eyes as he smiles, knowing that Daron will bite, because he loves shopping, no matter the mood he is in.

Daron smiles too and Shavo knows he has won this time, ducking to kiss him quickly, proud of himself that he was able to bring the younger into a slightly better mood.

"But you're making me breakfast first." Daron says and Shavo laughs, ducking to get another kiss.

"Of course I am."

-

The mall is overpopulated, even though it is 10 am on a Tuesday and Daron wonders; where do these people even come from? Don't they have a job, a life, something to do?

It's ironical at best, because he is doing the exact thing they are. He huffs.

Shavo smiles at him from his side and Daron feels slightly guilty. Shavo is doing this for him. He should at least try to be in a better mood for the boy.

-

After two hours of searching Daron starts to lose patience.

"Why is it so hard to find gender neutral clothes, for the love of Charles?!" Shavo by his side shrugs, he too looks somewhat tired, but more than that bored. Every store they have tried so far has nothing that fits him. Everything is either too manly or too girlish, yet nothing is too Daron. He catches sight of his reflection in some glass nearby and anger starts to boil within him.

"Has that store been there before? I don't remember it being there." Shavo grabs his attention by pointing at some store in their vicinity.

"I don't remember something like that there before." Daron answers with a shrug and they decide to walk towards the shop.

It seems pretty modest, just like any shop on the mall, expect for the fact that everything in there seems to be either black or in pastel colors. At first sight there is no gender category that divides the store, only the color code and Daron's eyes shine.

He walks to the sweaters sector, gingerly searching for any indication in the style. It seems to be just plain sweaters, nothing too fancy, and Daron grabs three different colors and heads for the changing room. Smirking knowingly Shavo follows after holding some articles that he cannot make out.

He changes into the first sweater, which is an oversized baby pink one; the material is soft and it feels perfect on his skin, matching his skin tone too. Shavo smiles at him as Daron checks himself out in the mirror. It fits just right.

"I think I like this." He says and Shavo smirks again, in the way he does when he knows something that Daron doesn't.

"Well, In that case, you should try this on too. He brings into vision some sort of baby pink choker made of lace, holding the cutest bell in the world and Daron is sure it faintly reminds him of some anime he cannot name. He smiles. It's bright and radiating and as Shavo finishes putting it on for him and as Daron sees his reflection he feels like he will start crying.

"Look at you!" Shavo praises, hugging Daron from behind. "This looks perfect to me." The older says smiling, as he kisses Daron's cheek.

"I love it!" The younger chokes out. "I can wear this at anytime, regardless of how I'm feeling." Shavo nods.

He changes into the second sweater, a baby blue one. Daron chuckles as he sees his reflection on the full length mirror. Everything this store holds is either black or pastel and the theme couldn't fit Daron any better than this. This sweater is close to a tight fit, but is so comfortable and so warm Daron would cry. Shavo seems impressed at the choice of clothing as well.

"I think I got you the right accessories for this one, as well." Shavo says with a self-satisfied smirk.

"Did you?" Daron raises an eyebrow at that. Nodding, Shavo brings into view three golden chains in different length and Daron puts them on.

"They compliment your skin tone. Make you look gangsta." Shavo chuckles. "Would look hella good with these black jeans you're wearing and that black leather choker, add some boots too and I'd have to fight people around you." Shavo laughs again, looking at Daron with such admiration.

"Since when are you such a fashion connoisseur?" Daron smirks and Shavo shrugs.

"I'm gay, baby, remember?" Daron wheezes at that.

"Ok then. I'll get this one too." Daron grabs the sweaters and starts to get out of the fitting room when Shavo asks.

"Aren't you going to try the lavender one?"

"Nope," he says. "I already know I want it."

They spend the better part of the day looking and trying on different outfits. By the end of their journey they both are tired but happy nonetheless as they carry on their way too many shopping bags.

As he lays on Shavo's chest that afternoon, listening to his rhythmic heart beat, Daron realizes that the hate he felt in the morning has vanished, smiling he nuzzles his face on Shavo's neck and Shavo kisses his forehead.

"Thank you for today." He says sheepishly.

"Don't worry." Shopping always makes everything better." Shavo responds.

Daron knew it wasn't shopping what made it better, but that helped nonetheless. Holding Shavo tighter and breathing in his scent he knows everything is going to be ok.