Love story

First Journal entry to Love

I thought about him more than I can fester.
This will include how he makes me feel. How I only dream of us having a wonderful future someday. But when I lost him I lost a part of myself. It took awhile for me to climb back up from the mountain I have fallen from.
I would have restless nights. I wish he and I can rest by each other's side someday. I can finally whisper in his ear, I want you and only you. I don't care how you look all I care that ever since I received the notice I would never hear from you again; it broke my heart. I can't explain it. Yet it was painful. Then it was like God has sent a sign before my eyes.
Finally I get to speak with you. I wanted to cry of how happy I was.
My happy dreams of us would be of being in a big two story house. So clean fit for a King and Queen. We'd lay on the couch and watch Netflix while eating popcorn. We would laugh at the movie playing, while you tickled me. I tell you to stop but you reach my neck with your lips.
"You're mine!" You would say.
A chuckle escaped my lips.
I never thought a dream like this can be so real and beautiful. He will never see it though. Neither know the feeling of my arms around his neck, cradling with gentleness. The love he showed. That made me crave it even more.
There would be days we go with talking for hours and others were like ghosting. Like if I became a bother. I will never know. Why is he so afraid of admitting that I love him for him? Why can't he see he deserves love too even if it's not from the one he directs his?
The lips are a way to touch someone deep in the soul. So if he kissed me, would I know what he hides or desires? Yes that's all I need to sense his pure soul creeping in through my skin, making the hairs in my arms creep up. His hands warming to the touch. My skin craving every inch of it's touch. His voice husky and rough but gentle. There is something about him he lacks that the dream shows. Completeness. Happiness. True love.
Only the one with the purest of heart and soul can bring out what that kind of love can be for someone like that.
Who's story is this all about? Liz and Yang two friends that even though they didn't know it would eventually fall deeply in love.

He asks me if I still have a crush on him. I tried denying it so many times afraid he didn't feel the same way. I didn't want to feel pain again. It took many years for me to pick up the pieces someone ripped and scattered to the ocean like ashes. But it didn't last long keeping it from him that I still felt something for him. It's something that trespassed over the years and became hidden inside me. I didn't notice what I felt until I received the notice I'd never hear or see him again. It pained me so much. I couldn't find the words to tell him talking to him like the first day was a blessing. I wanted to jump on a plane and travel his way. Hug him so tight that the dream from the beginning of this story became visible in my sleep time. I woke up happy.
That's when I told him I wasn't fronting. I was just not ready to reveal something that wasn't reciprocated. Then he explained that you can love someone even if they didn't love you in return.
I tried so hard to fight it. I felt my ashes that were scattered blowing back in my face and suffocating me. How can I tell him I was starting to feel more than friendship for him? But I don't think he saw that. He was being selfish by being too curious of knowing what went about my mind. Acting like a shrink.
Now I listen to music to heal my soul from the damage I let him do. Even worse about now. I love him and I lost him.
I will never regain him back. He found someone better. So I pretend it doesn't bother me like a nice person should be acting like. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights. Pillows; wet with tears. Why did I have to fall in love with him?
Was it a lesson I needed to learn?
If so why could it have had a beautiful happy ending?
Unless...this isn't the ending. Is not the ending of our story.
What would it be like?
I close my eyes.
Picturing it would only help me cope through this.
I jump into his arms and he lifts me up. We laugh. Where are we? Beach? or Backyard?
Red fences, keeping wild life away from our property.
I cradle my arms around his neck. "I missed you," I smile.
"I love..." Before he can say the three little words that meant the world to me. He became solemn. "It's best we don't get to attached."
"Why?" Confused as I was I didn't argue.
"

Please, don't leave." Tears fell down my cheeks. Pouring out of me like waterfalls.
He kisses my forehead. "I can't stay when you can't even let him go."
"Please," Then I faint in his arms.
When I have awoken I was in my room already wrapped in my blanket. He was...GONE. Why did he bring him up? I love him. Can't he see it? I guess not.
Or is it me? Haven't I not let Sheen go?
When will Yang see my life isn't full without him in it?
But that wouldn't be fair to him. I need to live without him so he can be there when he is ready to be, not for me but for himself.

                                          Tue, Jan.19,2021