tokomaru week 2021!!

day 1, january 10th: memories

vibrancy

toko writes a love letter about komaru while reminiscing. she knows full well she'll never show it to her.

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passion and strength are the heaviest themes in your eyes. i've noticed that for a while now -- the first time it appeared to me, i was almost afraid. with every hardship, every trial, every difficulty, you strengthened, and that quickly became visible in your expression.

from the very beginning, i knew you were vulnerable. i watched the earth shatter your heart over and over and over, until you were forced to build it up yourself.

throughout all of it, though, you trusted me. despite your vulnerability you placed your life and your trust into my arms. you let me cradle that passion -- to nurture it. even now, i hold it in my arms; i treasure it. i treasure you. i ended up treasuring every part of you, doing my best to protect you. and to my surprise, you returned the favor. it's quite strange, isn't it? every "annoying" little aspect had managed to grow on me. the nicknames and the teasing became endearing, rather than dreadful. all your little rants and spiels when you'd pick up trinkets became sweet rather than irritating. every little aspect about you -- all of which i've fallen so deeply in love with.

you've changed so much, but i've learned to cherish these memories as much as i cherish the current you. that's something you've taught me.

there's nobody i've been able to feel this way about. not even master. it's not only a warm and pleasant feeling, but a dull ache at the same time; a burning sensation, tugging at my heart. a slowly spreading fire. it hurts more than i can or want to describe. seeing you every day -- seeing you smile and laugh and blush and talk and live your life only ignites more ground. that burning has infected every part of me; it's traveled my thoughts and my down to my stomach, tying deeper and more complex knots every day. the knots which have become impossible to undo. when i'm around you, the shield lowers, if only for a moment -- before rushing to cover my battered and wounded body. i speak of you with adornment, the same way i look into your eyes. pretty, aren't they? vibrant, bright, and clear, piercing into my soul.

but i'll keep my lips shut. you're the only friend i've ever managed to sustain, and the only person who's made me feel like this. i can't say that this particular brand of aching is unfamiliar; it's a recurrent theme, a comorbidity to the yearning.

this page is a mess -- i've never been less proud of a work in my life -- yet i know you'd be happy with it. if you read this, even if you didn't know it was about you, you'd love it. your lips would curl into that gd-forsaken smile of yours, and my chest would explode once again. and yet, there's nothing i'd rather see.

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i lay down the notebook, partially ashamed of myself for writing something so cluttered.

"i should go to sleep," i mutter to myself, careful to make sure she doesn't hear. her face is close to mine, enough to feel the warmth of her skin radiating against me. my chest tightens again, and i shift uncomfortably.

"mmnh...." despite my caution, she stirs. her eyelashes flutter. "...toko? what's wrong?" komaru stares at me, concerned.

"i-it's nothing. g-go back to s-sleep." she frowns a bit. "hey, i'm not that stupid! something's wrong... it's alright if you're not comfortable telling me what it is yet, but at least admit something is up." i stroke her cheek gently, as to comfort her. i've written so much about her, but... i don't think i'm quite ready to share. not yet, at least.

"...f-fine. something's wrong. b--but i can't tell you yet! i-i'm not... i'm not ready." her expression softens even further. "that's okay. at least you admitted it, though."

"hmph." i turn, facing away from her. she wraps her hands around my waist, tightly clutching me. komaru nuzzles my chest. i can feel her breathing steady as she drifts off to sleep.

"komaru...?" there's no response. "hey, komaru?" nothing. "i-i'm really hoping this won't wake you up, but..." she stays asleep, still tightly adhering to my waist. "i-i remember, r-right when we were about to fight monaca, you told me something. that although you have a lot of awful memories from this place, that you're glad to have met me." i pause. "i-i... i think i know what you mean now. even if i have a lot of memories i'd rather not have, and a lot of things i wish i hadn't done, i'm glad to have met you too, even if we didn't become close by the best means. so... thank you."

even so, she remains fast asleep - i sigh, before laying back down, wrapping my hand around hers. slowly, i drift off with her.