7 years - Hotchniss

seven years before

Two shots.

He had heard two shots and the next thing he knew was that he found himself in that long, white hallway. If someone had asked, he wouldn't have been able to tell his own name or the date, not even the place where found himself right then or where his gun had gone.

Something was running down his cheeks, and he couldn't tell whether it was sweat or tears, maybe both. His whole body felt numb as he kept staring down the hallway, waiting, trying to progress what had just happened.

He didn't hear the voices around, they all seemed miles away; he didn't even recognize Derek Morgan, who stood next to him, trying to communicate with him in order to calm him down.

Everything just seemed so far away, as he felt his heart pounding in his chest so loudly that it caused a stump pain in his head. His whole body was in pain, but he didn't pay attention to that.

Two shots. It had been two shots.

7 years ago:

Hotch loved watching Emily sleep. He didn't even know why, but it always calmed him down to see her in such a peaceful state of mind. Her raven hair was spread all over the pillow, nearly hiding her face, leaving him wondering how she could even breathe like that. He found it rather annoying when he sometimes found himself waking up with her hair all over his face, though he loved the way it smelled like vanilla.

The previous night had been rather restless for Hotch, he hadn't been able to fully sleep and had kept turning from one sight to the other. Around 5 am, he had given up and had just laid awake, thinking and looking at Emily's silhouette next to him from time to time.

When the striking sound of the alarm clock on the bedside table entered Emily's ears at 6 am, she slapped it shut, letting out an annoyed groan. As she turned around, she recognized that she was alone in bed, the sound of pouring water telling her that Aaron was taking a shower.

Yawning, she pulled a her cardigan over her shoulders and also made her way towards the bathroom, only finding that her boyfriend had locked the door. She hesitated, but then just walked downstairs into the kitchen in order to make them some coffee.

"Good morning", Aaron smiled as he entered the kitchen and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek as he walked over to the fridge.

"You locked the bathroom door, again", Emily pointed out as she poured coffee in two mugs. She wasn't mad, but she knew that this was a sign that something was on his mind, and he was going to shut her out if she didn't make him talk to her.

"I'm sorry", he sighed. "I didn't even recognize that. Old habits die hard, don't they?"

He shifted uncomfortably, however trying his best to hide how worn out he was. He should've known better; after all, Emily knew him better than anyone else. Hiding something from her was senseless.

"Why were you even up before the alarm went off?", she asked and leaned against the kitchen island, her brown eyes meeting his.

"I just woke up too early", he tried to shrug it off, not wanting her to worry.

"Aaron, talk to me", Emily's voice sounded rather sternly. "I know that you barely slept last night, I felt you moving non-stop."

Hotch sighed and let his gaze drop to the ground: "It was just about the last case."

Emily had expected that, as they often found themselves in situations like this. She grabbed one cup of coffee and handed it to him, before saying: "Tell me."

"You already know. I made a mistake", he sighed, thankfully taking the cup in his hands. "I should've listened to Reid's calculations, but I thought I knew better. If I hadn't decided to negotiate like this, we might have  saved the last two victims."

"You don't know that", she replied calmly. "You don't know whether we could have gotten them quicker if you had listened to Reid. And nobody knows whether we could have saved them."

As he didn't reply, she cupped his right cheek with her hand and made him look at her. "Don't blame yourself for everything, honey. It's not our fault that there are so many cruel people out there, and we can never be 100% sure about our decisions on cases. I would have met the same decision if I had been in your place, I personally didn't even consider what Spencer has said. But the most important thing is that we caught the Unsub and he won't hurt anyone ever again. Okay?"

Hotch let out another sigh as he kept his eyes fixed at hers, thinking about her words.

"Okay?", she repeated.

"Okay", he whispered.

"Good", she nodded and pressed a soft kiss to his jawline.

Emily then quickly made her way to the bathroom, as they didn't want to be late for work. Hotch stayed in the kitchen, his mind still spinning around the case.

He really didn't know where he would be without Emily; he would've probably gone mental at some point. Even though he had had serious doubts about their relationship when they had gotten together, he now couldn't imagine his life without her. He had always considered himself as a broken man, and she was without doubt the person who had put him back together, and held him together ever since.

"That woman is your Atlas", Rossi had once said. "In your eyes, she carries the weigh of heavens on her shoulders for you, day for day."

Hotch had never been a fan of any romantic references, especially greek mythology was not his pair of shoes at all, yet he had never heard any truer words.

He knew that he would not be able to live without, and even though their job brought them into dangerous almost regularly, he had never imagined that he might be without her one day.