Drugs Of Love

1. Prologue

I sometimes dream about traveling back in time. Just for a month, or only for a few weeks. The walls of the rehabilitation center make me think about all the mistakes I made.

—«I'm never sorry!»—Alpha's said this to me when we were talking in the kitchen. And damn it! I want to live this way more then anything else in the world! But every minute of every day makes me feel sick, thinking of the past tears me apart.

I'm trying to concentrate on the psycology book, but my brain doesn't want to percive information after ten phases of a nervous breakdown. My mind is tearing. My eyes can't concentrate. Eleven pictures. Eleven. How many times do I have to watch details of them?! Each one shows myself. But each one has differences.

I look at one of the pictures. There's a date on it: 19 of december. I was happy that time. I had short hair, but I was too thin.

/«I am yours —
from the head, to the feet
and it ends in your mind»/— it was written on the other side of the picture. I learnt these words hard. God, how can I forgot them?!

—Alice, du hast ein Packet.— the concultant went in my room. I have a package.

I stand up and go to the hall. There is a pair of new T-shirts, three jars of «Nuttela» and several psycology books. Oh, there's also a medallion. I don't need anything of this shit.

I leave the package in the hall and go back to bed. I lie on the bed. I take my diary. I try to write. No. I can't...

I want to leave the room. I don't want to eat. I can't fall asleep for about 13 hours. The psychotherapists of the rehabilitation centre think that I'm having clinical depression on the background of drug withdrawal. I don't care, what's wrong or right with me. Traveling back in last year september and change everything. But it's impossible.

/«I don't believe in myself. How long?
We're trying to lay our faith another way
We haven't got wishes or will
And we'll be killed by our way»/

I can only tell my story. It's not about drugs, not about death, not ever about love. It's about one other thing. Something deep, hard to understand. And I still cannot believe that this happened to me. But, of course, it did.

Well, I'm going to start from the beginning...