Muscle Memory | Dimon

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originally posted on tumblr 2016.

The sound of her name woke her from her state of deep thought. She opened her eyes to the inside of her sunglasses and the sun reflecting in them, blinding her eyes that had gotten used to the darkness of her closed lids. She squeezed them shut again, confused for a second but as he softly repeated her name, she was reminded where she was. He was there. She was safe.

She wondered how she had gotten to that point. The point where he no longer was the one she was running from but rather the person she ran to. She guessed it had to have changed somewhere around the time when being with him was no longer an option and she could enjoy the comfort of his arms instead of being scared of the consequences. Whatever the two of them could have been was far from traditional, but the parts of him that he could offer had been hers to keep and she knew that was a big deal with him. She just hadn't been sure she could have offered him much in return, if anything at all.

Things were different now though, and even though she still had nothing to offer, her instincts had kicked in when her head was too much of a mess to clean up, and had taken her there to his backyard.

When she regained her sight and turned her head in his direction, he was kneeling beside the sun lounger she had been lying in for the past hour in the burning California heat. He looked concerned but calm as he looked at her and laid his hand on top of hers, squeezing ever so slightly. She flinched but wasn't sure why. It only made his grip tighter and as paradoxical as it was, that seemed to relax her muscles. She took deep breaths and after a couple of minutes of sitting like that, feeling his presence next to her and the palm of his hand against her skin, she felt relaxed enough to sit up and take her sunglasses off.

"Come inside, sweetheart. It's 200 degrees out here."

She nodded and held on tightly to his hand as she stood up and walked through the glass doors. She shivered as the aircon hit her, contrasting the burning sun against her skin all afternoon. He didn't ask her any questions as he handed her a water bottle from the oversized fridge, he let her drink and cool down as they walked through the massive kitchen to the downstairs living room. Everything looked as it always had; white, polished and rustic. She had always taken him for the kind of guy who would want to show off his expensive taste but really, he was quite minimalistic when it came to his house. She'd never gotten to spend as much time there as she'd have liked but it still felt comfortable and familiar. It felt like him.

"I didn't think you'd be here." She admitted shyly as she cuddled up to him on the couch, his arm going around her to pull her closer as he chuckled at her confession.

"Your own pool just wasn't good enough, huh?" He teased, making her giggle before falling quiet. She was grateful that he made it so easy; that she didn't have to explain anything, but then again, he probably knew her better than anyone. He could tell when she was short of words, when there was so much going on in her head that she was stuck somewhere between insanity and numbness, and most importantly, he knew from experience that getting her to talk in those times only resulted in more pain.

"It's not my pool anymore." Her voice was barely audible against his chest. She would have cried but it didn't feel as heavy here with him as it had in her own company. It was easier to be hard on herself when there was no one there to tell her otherwise, and even if he didn't argue with her self-reproach, knowing he would if she expressed it was somehow enough.

"I'm sorry," He kissed her forehead. "I heard."

She felt his lips on her forehead long after he pulled away, treasuring it and letting the heat transfer all the way through her body until she felt it in her toes. She buried her face in his t-shirt, closing her eyes and breathing in his scent, feeling his fingertips tracing circles along her arm. It was so easy to fall back into the habit of fitting in with him; everything about him was so familiar, so smooth and simple. Even if things between them had always been complicated and unintelligible, their minds and bodies knew each other like muscle memory.

"I'll be fine." She mustered a smile as she lifted her head and met his warm eyes, not completely sure whether she was assuring him or herself, but ultimately it didn't matter much as long as they both believed her words. A more genuine smile appeared on her lips as she realized that she did, in fact, believe those words. She would be okay, eventually.

He recognized the authenticity and returned her smile, their foreheads resting on each other.

"It worries me that you got in without me realizing. I think I need to replace my security, I can't have any brats running loose on my property." He laughed as he pulled away and she hit his chest playfully, unable to keep the smile off her face.

"Please. You love me." She insisted, her face suddenly closer to his than she had realized. She felt her heart speed up if only for a second, quickly realizing there was nothing to be nervous about. She was still her and he was still him. They were still them.

He only nodded before their lips met unexpectedly, yet naturally, in a short moment of appreciation and emotion. He smiled into the kiss as she deepened it, her hand placed on the back of his head pulling him closer to her.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" She asked quietly, his face still inches from hers.

"Of course, darling. I'll make sure there's a room ready for you." He pecked her lips.

Disappointment hit her hard and it showed as she pulled back with a slight frown. She watched his expression change as he realized what she had meant.

He looked conflicted as he tilted his head. "Is that really such a good idea?"

She hesitated as he looked at her. He wanted to, that was as obvious as the love shining out of his eyes. The fact that he thought of her above anything, that it was important to him that it was right for her only proved that. It wasn't right, they both knew that but looking into his eyes, eyes that had so many years and so many memories behind them, happy but also scarring ones, she saw herself there. As a happy memory, as a hurtful one but above all, as a welcome one. As one he never wanted to forget a single second of.

That was how she felt about him too. Although they had stopped making new memories for a while, the devotion and the tenderness in this moment wasn't something she was willing to cut short. Going home, leaving it behind wasn't right either. That would only add more what-ifs, more hurt, to her already heavy heart. It would simply not be right to ignore what could help her heal.

"Maybe not." She finally said, closing her eyes for a brief second before meeting his eyes again. "But you're the only one who can calm me down. I'm sick of questioning things, of wondering, of hurting and I trust myself with you, I trust myself to not fuck up, it's not an excuse, it's... It's just how I feel, Simon. I need to listen to myself for once."

He was silent for a moment before reaching out for her hand and intertwining their fingers, squeezing cautiously. He nodded with a soft smile as he spoke. "Okay."