Staring into the night

City drive

I've always wondered what the true purpose of life is, and how I ended up where I am. I'm seventeen and I've never felt less like a teenager. My twenty year old girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, puts so much pressure on me to act like an adult when in reality I just want to be a kid while I still can. My time is running low before my eighteenth birthday and I feel like half of my childhood was spent pretending to be grown up. I feel like she's holding me back from truly being happy and growing as a person, but she's my favourite person. As someone with borderline personality disorder, having a favourite person is not easy when you're dating nor when you decide to break up. Heartbreak literally is something I can physically feel in my chest. As much as I want to end it, I feel stuck. I'm so used to having her there and being my other half, I don't know how I would ever truly be able to let go.

Our love is chaos disguised as beauty.

This is all that is running through my head as I'm sitting home, alone in my room with my thoughts. Covid has hit, and all I'm allowed to do is sit at home and not see anyone. What else am I supposed to think? Now that I've been away from everyone for so long I'm starting to see their truly colors. My best friend, who only cares about men and if I can give her a ride; my mom, who I still get anxious from when I hear her footsteps walking past my room, reminding me of when I was little those footsteps meant breaking into my room and screaming at me over stupid things; my girlfriend who seemingly says she loves me but uses all she's done for me as a threat to me being "ungrateful" and pressuring me to act 3 years older than I am; all my old friends who decided they didn't want to be involved with me anymore because i'm "too much": and my drug addiction, that I can't seem to get rid of. And don't even get me started on my state of depression, I can barely get out of bed most days now.

Breaking that train of thought, I looked out the window and realized it was already getting dark outside. When it becomes night, I feel safe, like the whole chaos of the world is on pause as everyone is asleep. It makes me feel safe knowing the whole world is not watching me at night. It also makes me feel like an entirely different person. My dark side comes out at night, there's something I like about my dark side. It's more rebellious, confident and scary. I like being scary, as a kid I was made fun of for being weak. Men loved to take advantage of me when I was little because I looked so innocent and vulnerable. And I was. Now I see it as my turn to scare them, if that makes any sense.

It's time to go for a drive, I think. Time to let loose of all these emotions and just forget about it on the road.

I walk downstairs and see my parents sitting at the TV watching youtube videos.

"Hey mom, can I go for a drive?"

"Why this late? There is a lockdown Roquelle, you can get a prison sentence." She said nervously.

"Mom it's fine, I won't go to jail. It's for mental health reasons, they can't do anything."

She just stared at me quietly.

"Mom please, i'll be fine" I said

"Okay Roquelle, but don't be too long" She finally said annoyed.

Well mom, I don't think your definition of long is the same as mine. I'm addicted to long drives, they make me feel like I'm going somewhere and doing something with my day (or night). They soothe me and the speed and music combined is like a drug itself.

I grabbed the keys and headed out. It's fucking cold out here dude. As I'm pulling out of the driveway, I put on Chase Atlantic at full volume and head towards the freeway. I approach the on ramp just as the music starts to ramp up. Adrenaline, adrenaline and adrenaline.

Well mom, at the speed I'm going I don't think I'll be too long. Blasting Chase Atlantic after about 30 minutes on the freeway I enter the city. My home away from home. I drive all the way through it and take an exit ramp just to turn around towards the downtown portion of the city again. I put on m'y favourite song, the one I play everytime for this special drive, and I speed down the freeway through the towering skyscrapers and the beautiful city lights surrounding me. My windows are open even though it's -5 degrees and I feel the cool rush of air on my skin refreshing. This is all I need in life, right here.

The beautiful, little moments that make life a little more easier to get through