Hope, Faith and Love

Who needs Hope?

The first man to leave her was her father. He took her mother to the hospital when her water broke, then left and never came back. Mother received a message from him: «Sorry, I can no longer pretend that I want this child. I hope everything will work out for both of you». That's why Mom called her Hope. It wasn't a popular name though. And Hope asked her Mom now and then:
-Why did you call me so absurdly?
And her mommy always answered:
-You don't understand, I needed Hope back then, otherwise we wouldn't have survived.

Since then, neither Mom, who never remarried, nor Hope had lasting relationships with men. Her mother didn't even understand what was the purpose of this useless "thing" at home. Hope didn't share that view. As a child, she was obsessed about having a father. When she was in elementary school, she looked at the girls who were picked up by their dads.
The way father smiled at his girl, the way he took gentle little hand into his own. The most desirable moment for her was, when father raised his princess up and little girl peacefully wrapped her arms around dad's neck, then snuggled close to him. Hope sensed feeling of safety and gentleness between them. She wanted to be this girl! "I wish my mother would call me «Happiness», who needed «Hope»?!" – she asked herself desperately now and then.

Even though her mom made a good living, they never had enough money for their own apartment. As the matter of fact, they were changing their rentals from time to time and moving from one apartment to another one around the city. Mom had never got into her daughter's school problems or feeling of lonliness among peers. She was a firm believer her girl has got to become a survival.

This time Hope got into troubles, when they had just changed their apartment and school in her seventh grade and for the very first time, she fell in love with the tallest boy in her class, Ilya. One thing Hope didn't know was that Ilya was the dream of too many girls there. And she herself, as another rival, was taken hostile. Hope was tall, a little awkward, like all teenagers, with long, thin, post-summer, platinum hair. Her white face was painted by the sun with bright horse guns. She was accustomed to being shy in every new school. Well, let's see why, she always felt lonely and constantly broke into someone's life and space, always was treated with caution even hostility; she had no friends and the only person close to her - her mother was always busy.

That very time she was immediately examined by classmates. The boys began to make fun of Ilya, well, at last he had a «prospective» admirer, soon she would look down on the subject of her adoration. But most of all, she annoyed Nastya, the most beautiful girl in their class that Ilya persistently ignored. Once, when the days were still warm in September, Hope was on her way home after classes, when not far from school, in a small alley, she was stalked by several girls with Nastya ahead. They shouted at her face, pushed her, someone pulled her hair. Abruptly, Hope grabbed out her heavy backpack, and began to wave furiously towards her abusers. She felt that she was ready to rip them all apart and looked, perhaps, so mad at that very moment, that the girls ran away with screams: «Crazy bitch!»

- Hey, what happened? - Hope heard Ilya's voice from behind. He must have been walking down that same way home. - Why is everyone running?

Still breathing heavily and awkwardly balancing against a heavy backpack, Hope weak and trembling fell to her knees. She was in pain, not so much from her bloodstained knees, but from her wounded dignity.

- Don't you cry, please. They're just fools! Get up! Your knees are bleeding. Does it hurt? Let's blow.

- Fo-o-ols! Why? Why are you even here?

- What do you mean? I just was on my way home. I have a little sister. I don't hurt girls, - said Ilya simply. - That's what my mother always taught me.

- Your M-m-mom?

-Yes, she died of cancer, two years ago, - Ilya calmly said. He sat Hope on the bench, took out a small bottle of clean water and poured some on her wounds, while kneeling down and blowing hard to keep it cool.

- I'm sorry about your mother, - Hope wiped the tears, finally coming to her senses.

- Yeah, that's okey. She was a very good person. But Dad said that life goes on and we have to live and be happy. You know what, we can be friends, if you want to, but without any love nonsense. I don't have time for this. I've got to look after Faith, my little sister.

- Faith? That's a very strange name for a girl, - Hope was shocked. And she thought her name sounded weird?!

- Yeah, really unusual, but when my mum was about to give birth to my sister she found out she was sick. She just wanted to believe in a miracle and I guess, she needed Faith, - Ilya's voice was treacherously shaking.

Hope's friendship with Ilya has begun since. The friendship that survived the mockery of their classmates, the following moving to another apartment, the school change, the followed adult romances, Hope's first failed marriage. Then the parting with the love of her life №1. Unhappy "goodbye" to №2. And through all those years, all those failings in relationships, Ilya was there. She could dial his number any moment and say: «I'm sick of all, can I come to you?» And they spent all night talking about everything. Only thanks to Ilya, Hope did not lose faith in love, relationships, acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and friendship.

Somehow once on warm April day, Hope ended up her next terrible relationships and sat next to her friend Tamil in their favorite cafe «Rafinad». Tamil'd known her for about ten years. That day she nodded methodically and made compassionate faces about Hope's stories. Then suddenly, she cut her off:

-What about Ilya?

-What about Ilya? – Hope echoed the unexpected question.

-Have you seen him since?

- Well, yes. As usually, he supported me a lot. Why?

- What did he say?

- As always, - Hope smiled relaxed - we talked through all night. He told me again that I was the best and that I would be lucky someday. I would find someone who love me no matter what and we would end up like all the best couples in happily ever after.

- Yep. Till death do you part, - Tamil enthusiastically nodded, - better yet, die in one day.

- What do you mean? – Hope looked at her with surprise.

- Nothing definite. I just simply love your childishness. You really don't get it? He loves you!

- Who does?

- Good God, you are impossible! Your Ilya loves you, can't you see this?!

- He's not mine. He told me when I was a kid...

-Yeah, yeah, I remember. No love, no amour. Just friends. Have you ever thought why, on earth, could he say this?

- Why? - Hope became all tense all of a sudden. Of course, she'd been feeling something instinctively. But she couldn't break the unwritten agreement. No amour. So, if despite all the bullshit, he cares about her, why does he deny it? And does she really want to destroy their perfect friendship for the sake of uncertain commitment? 'Cause she's probably carrying some kind of a curse: men don't want to live with her, love her. Maybe she can't really be into relationships?

- Ooh, that's just child trauma. It's just that you were abandoned by your father, and now you can't relax with anyone, and you're always waiting for a setback, and before you even start a relationship, you're mentally preparing yourself for a breakup already. Men can also feel things like that.

-And you? Since when are you so smart? I think you've only been a psychologist for three months.

-One doesn't have to be a psychologist here to be honest...

-Seriously, could it just dawned on you that all these men simply didn't suit me? And I have always been looking for the right one for me.

-So why look? There he is. Just take the first step. He, also, once lost his beloved mother. It's traumatic enough, believe me. That's why he's afraid of serious relationships and new losses.

A month later, Hope was celebrating her birthday. She didn't want to, but her close friends Tamil and Vikki arranged everything. «Come on, 25 strikes once in a lifetime, - they were firm believers in must-have-birthdayparty». They agreed on a light buffet in one of the halls of a cheap cozy restaurant. All the guests have come already, except for Ilya. Hope was awkwardly parading among a bunch of people, but it felt empty and lonely without Ilya! Someone's making a toast, but her mind was somewhere else she's just kept staring at the entrance. She's intercepted Tamil's insightful gaze several times. A couple of times Hope even showed her a fist and once her tongue. To hell with Kindergarten, by God's sake! What kind of love this funny psychologist think could she have to Ilya?! He's like her brother!

And then, she appeared face-to-face to Vlad, her ex. At first she saw a huge bouquet of roses in front of her and thought it was Ilya at last. But then, when Vlad showed his face over the flowers, the smile faded from her face.

-Hey. I hope you don't mind me coming here? You know, I've been thinking for a long time about what happened between us and I accept my mistakes and all the wrong things I did. I need you, and you need me...

Hope heard no more of this rubbish, she saw Ilya entering the hall at last. He brought her flowers, the Callas. Ilya knew her favorite flowers, how come she could even think of him buying roses for her?! He was all smiling, but then, when he saw Vlad, he stopped and faded in a moment. «Well, no way you are leaving me today!» - Hope felt angry, handed back a bouquet of roses to Vlad and rushed after Ilya.

She jumped out from the air-conditioned restaurant into the hot noisy spring night. Hope tried to see her friend among people smoking around the main entrance, it was waste of time of course. "Dear God, if you by any chance had sent all my guests home right now, I wouldn't care. Let just him be here with me, - prayed Hope, holding back the treacherous lump in the chest».

- Hey, birthday girl, what are you doing here? - there was someone behind her who she needed more than anyone in the world right now. A lump in her chest exploded and she burst into tears. Ilya gently embraced her.

-I thought you'd left, - whispered Hope.

-Yeah, right. I drove two hours fighting traffic to just walk away from you! Who picked this beautiful place so far from downtown?

-Tamil and Vikki, of course. And where are my flowers anyway?

-In the vase, silly. I found the vase in this center of noise and drama. Why Vlad? How did he get here?

-Honestly? Never mind, forget it. You know, I've been meaning to ask you this for a very long time. Here you are today and there you are always by my side as if my dad or brother. Why bother, why our chats till morning, why supporting and listening, why Calla, why are you here in my life when I need you the most?

- You know what, it's funny, you asking about it today, when I was coming here to talk to you on the same subject. To explain all the awkward hidden truth about my attitude to you. 'Cause I can't stay away from you anymore. You know, I've always had Faith - my sister, Love - for a girl with the wounded knees. The only thing I missed all my life was Hope. Well, in fact I had her, but she was coming in the evening and rushing out in the morning into her problems. And now I want her to be right there for me, close to my heart, day and night, do you think it's possible? 

© Alena Porokh
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