Sometimes it feels like I'm floating in a sea of doubts. Sometimes it feels like I'm floating on Cloud 9. But most days, most days are spent watching myself in third person, not quite present in everyday things. Most days, I'm on autopilot, letting my body do the work while I daydream and reminisce on when I was happy, when I wasn't this mess of emotions.
I have lost part of myself; I continue to lose part of myself every day, and I wonder whether or not I will be here tomorrow because how can I lose pieces of myself every day and not wither away to nothing? What will happen to me when I am gone? Will the pieces that I lost in you stay in you, or will you forget them like I wish to forget you? Because God do I wish I could forget you. You were my everything. You make me question my worth, make me question whether I was ever anything to you.
Why is it so easy for everyone to leave me, while I'm stuck here, not able to leave myself? Because that's the funny thing, isn't it? While everyone gets to leave me when they no longer love or like me, I have to stay here with myself. Every time someone leaves, it makes me hate myself that little bit more.
Why would anyone say that life is easy? It isn't. It's messy, painful, a rollercoaster of continuous ups and downs, one that I can't seem to get off of. Life fucking hurts. But we have so many good things in our lives. We have the internet, where we meet people who are the same as us. We keep up with friends from high school, friends we haven't seen in years. We keep up with the news with a touch of a fingertip. We decide what to wear based on a weather app we have. We have television, which keeps us entertained. And the best thing I can think of right now, we have music.
Music is something special, isn't it? Music has that special connection to your soul, the one connection that knows every single thing to know about ourselves. We find music that describes every moment, every heartbreak, everything that we go through. We drown ourselves in music to escape the reality of a situation. We blare our music driving down dirt roads because we are happy. We scream sad songs in the parking lot or front of our houses at 2 a.m. with friends because that boy you had been with for 2 1/2 years broke your heart. We have that one song that we hate but everyone else likes. We have so many things about music that hit each spot just the way it should, like a puzzle piece.
What's crazier than that is who we are as people. We are not our own person, not completely at least. We are made up of different pieces of every encounter we have ever had with others. That one song your cousin's friend played at the bonfire is now in your playlist. Your favorite restaurant that a coworker mentioned. That movie that you swore you would never watch, but your best friend dragged you to see it, and now you love it. That party you didn't want to go to, and your sister dragged you to it, but you met your soulmate there. Every single thing we love, we have a memory attached to. Tell me something you love or hate that has a memory attached to it because of another person.
Thanks for reading. Idk why these things happen, but they do.
YOU ARE READING
Random thoughts that go through my head
Non-FictionIt's going to be about struggles I have as a 21-year-old. I will update as much as I can remember but bear with me.
