75 Pounds

Chapter 6

Today is Halloween – the day where little kids knock on stranger’s doors with the hope of getting candy.

“Trick or treat!” they all yell simultaneously, with big smiles and missing front teeth. I open the door to three small children accompanied by their moms. I return the smile; tell them I forgot it was Halloween and that I’ll go check to see if I have anything.

I’m lying. I knew what day it was. I just didn’t want the stench of cheap high-calorie chocolate stinking up my house.

When I come back, I can see the three are waiting as eagerly before. I give an apple to the small girl drowning in her witch costume, a small bag of sunflower seeds to the skinny boy dressed up as a clown, and a piece of celery, tucked into a plastic baggie, for the potbellied princess.

They exchange glances between themselves for a few seconds then thank me hesitantly. The mothers shoot me cruel looks as they gather up their kids, and I stand in the doorway watching as they go. “Happy Halloween!” I yell out into the darkened sky.

For my Halloween, I’m still in the hospital, which sucks. Not that I was looking forward to candy, but dressing up is always fun.

My English teacher once told me, “never stop trick or treating until they refuse to give you candy.”

I was going to give my candy to my dad.

After long thought, I finally decided the perfect costume- a skeleton. I was going to dress up as a fat person, but that would be cheating since I don’t need a costume.

The helpers thought that I should wear a costume today, even though I’m not going out. Cheval actually insisted, “come on, it’ll be so much fun!”

They weren’t very impressed with my costume choice, being as I dressed up as bones (something they consider ‘triggering’) but I actually found it fascinating.

My costume is super homemade and looks terrible. Basically, it’s just a black shirt and pants with white paper bones taped on. On my hands I have a plain black pair of mittens, with the skeleton bones on them from the dollar store, and a cheap mask from the day program’s dress up box, apparently for role playing.  I choose not to wear shoes.

The helper’s ‘ohh’ and ‘aww’ and say they wish they had a camera. I feel pretty pathetic, sitting in a hospital room dressed up like a goof. They won’t let me leave my room in case I might frighten some children. I wonder if Julia dressed up as well.

My mom is not coming again. I was supposed to have a four hour pass. She’s too sick to come see me, yet she can go trick or treating with my brother. My mood is quickly switching from worried to pissed off. And the weekends getting ever so closer.

No one tried to give me any candy for the occasion, like that cupcake they sent with my dinner on my birthday. I did tell them not to dare though, so it might have contributed to it.

They keep shipping me all over the hospital to make sure I’m not broken on the inside before they send me home; X- Rays, Bone Density, Blood, more blood, and heart tests. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I tell them that almost every day but they don’t like listening to fifteen year olds.

Julia isn’t going home soon. She’s still wheel-chair bound. I finally got a chance to communicate with her this morning when we were getting weighed. It was more of just a polite smile before the nurses ushered us on, but at least it was something.

A stack of old novels is sitting on the windowsill. My bracelets are tucked away in the closet and my school work is splayed out across the table. I know all of it is mine, but it’s as if they don’t belong to me. I can’t use anything without it being passed through a handful of people. I can’t help but wonder what my seven year old self would want me to be. Probably beautiful, with a prince charming boyfriend and movie contracts tucked under my arm. Big enough boobs to make the cut, yet a double 0 waist. I’d probably be popular enough to get invited to the parties, yet smart enough to get good grades. Funny how things don’t work out as planned.