Okay! This is about me talking about my messed up life in Primary or Elementary. I won't nag or brag or any crap like that. It's just that in Primary I never fitted in. I tried but I failed.
That's why in prep I always cried and so afraid to ask a teacher anything. I was actually quite scared, stupid and didn't know what I really was doing. In fact, I sometimes lose control and I sometimes don't know what happens or goes on. Sometimes I'm not in the real world. Sometimes I'm frozen still with the clock of dreams and the clock of reality. I learnt that little kids can doze off really quickly and young ones don't understand the meaning of reality yet. True, I didn't understand the meaning of reality to start my life and to know how harsh this life can be.
So as I enter prep, I realise my stupidity couldn't be worse! The hardest part was trying to fit in. I never really fitted in and the problem was because I didn't know how! I try to talk to others, but I wasn't social and that's why I suffer anxiety/depression now a days. I hate society and so I keep away from it as much as I can. Sometimes I don't like being around my own friends!
Prep was never good for me. I never understood what the teacher said and it is a bit of a blur. When show n tell comes on, everyone seems to go to places I've only dreamed of going to. Theme Parks, Over seas...etc.. Sometimes I go home feeling depressed that I don't witness those things. I've never even been on a roll coaster. Even in class, one mistake, attention all on you.
Grade 1-6 was worse. Growing up with other kids around you and most of them you can't stand. Especially when they call you names. Ox, big boobs and all that shit. Sometimes I sit alone and wonder what I'm even doing here. I bullied one of my closest friend because she keeps acting like a dog! She loved and was upsest with dogs. I harmed her by accident and I almost forgot about her.
Looking to see her, she surely changed. Got a boyfriend, styles up with fashion and is happy. Compared to me. Suffers anxiety, doesn't like public and is forever alone and wants to be. I like being left alone sometimes but even with that, I don't know who I am.
Primary school was good because not a lot of homework given out. But the people there are now my memories that unshared gifts and talents. Only beautiful students are loved, make it the "popular" ones. They got the most friends and boys. Even in Primary school they had boyfriends and were always looked up too. But I never looked up at any one of them. Instead I looked down at them, not a smile, not a laugh, just a blank face to share.
Singing was for gay people. But many did it just to skip class and spreading fake rumours were best known to be cool. In grade 5 a new kid came around. Next thing you know, rumours spread that he was my boyfriend. I never liked that joke and when I walk to school, girls come out and throw leaves at me singing, "Here comes the bride." It pissed me off but I said nothing. He hated me and I hated him. He bullied me and I bullied him. Then he showed off his soccer and footy skills and then became popular. He was known to be agro and because I used to get mad easily, they said we were perfect match.
After I showed off my soccer and basketball skills, I then became known but I still was disliked because of my mole and my looks. But mum/mom used to tell me that I was beautiful and they were jealous. But when I looked into the mirror, I never believed. They teased me about my last name and surely many friends backed stabbed me. I never had real friends and I never will. Looking around me I knew I shouldn't hang around these guys.
And so I went to the nerds and the ones that were unknown. Four square was my next favourite after soccer and basketball. I surely was good after a while and was taught every rule and every trick. I watched and learnt and I did my best. I surely was on the wall of the greatest four square players. I ditched my so called friends and all of the others. They came back to tease me but I wasn't paying any attention.
I was blamed for many things. Soccer was my nightmare. After they put classes on the oval, the ball went under or land on top of the roof. Sometimes I did it and everyone went berserk! But the balls return to them after awhile. But no! We have to cry and be mean to the one that did it instead of showing some respect and forgiving!
Grade 5 and 6 were the years of my writing. I started to write songs of how I feel and what I wish to do. I started writing small stories and scripts. I started writing down my imagination and started to feel the imagination flow through me and I started reading books. Emily Rodda and Andy Griffiths. My two favourite authors and one day I hope to meet them. Deltora Quest series and The Just- series were the ones I loved the most. I read many books and started enjoying the library more. I never felt better in my life and I felt like I fitted in. Not in society, but the world of dreams.
The clock of dreams lived more than the reality clock and I felt like a new person, in a new world and a new life lightens up my path. I felt that chasing my dream to being a rap artist and an author wasn't far away. But when I closed my eyes to reach out, I found out, it was further than anything in my life. That catching that dream was far away from now. But I can fast forward it whenever I feel like it. I can slow it down if I want to but it depends on me.
If I wanted to leave the world (suicide) then that dream was just a waste. I had to strengthen up a bit. I had to put my feet in my shoes and stand up.
I started to walk slower, think more and be less active. I started to understand that bullying back was not the answer and to keep quiet was not the answer either. But still I kept quiet and I waited for High school. I had to see if it was worth it or not. If it wasn't then I had to show them. Of course being me is different and being in other peoples shoes are tough.
Primary school was crap for me and so I start my journey to high school and it was just as shit!
