Sometimes I feel so trapped in my own thoughts, I thought it was normal for someone of age like me but I soon realized that I developed a habit of overthinking. It became so bad that sometimes, I felt numb to the bone. Nothing felt right, my intuition nor my feelings. Nothing mattered cause it didn't. Sad songs helped me, being angry did too and I would usually scream in a pillow and sob till I have a headache but cut myself off because I didn't want to let anyone hear. I knew if my mom heard she would just tell me I'm too young to be facing these problems or issues I'm having, but the truth is, I just want to feel again. It hurts physically, to not feel. I'm yearning for one sign of humanity from myself within. Too dramatic and cliché, I know but if you think I'm dramatic like all the others please go away- I'm already torturing myself with my own thoughts, I don't need criticism from anyone else right now. I just want to roam around at night where the world is mine and I don't need to listen to anyone. I just want to at least have that sense of recognition that I'll be alright. The only thing that is helping apart from sad songs and being angry, is anime. Heh, trust me, If I never came across anime I would've jumped off a building by now. It looks so peaceful, when anime characters fall to their deaths. It just seems like a one way ticket out of this hell that people call Earth. Thank you anime for saving my life, really. My routine is now, online class, lock myself in my room, eat, watch an anime, read a fan fic, and cry myself to sleep. It's consistent and it works efficiently, although others might think differently. They might recommend a healthier routine; healthier as in talking to people about my struggles. But they don't get it, and never will. The pressure was way different then when my mom was born trust me. Now economics and a social life is harder to access, and more important to survive which causes a lot of stress. I know suicide isn't the answer because it passes the pain to others, but maybe then, people will finally understand how I feel. I'm that one person that tells everyone it's okay and I'll be there for them and try my hardest to pull them out of this black hole- yet no one ever notices that every day I'm slowly sinking into my own black hole. Dying, is the end of life, the end of suffering. Everyone goes through it, so why is it wrong to want to end the suffering early then intended?
-If you are currently reading, thank you so much. I'm sorry for the burden I'm most likely setting upon you, I just need to let everything out.
