Hold On 'Til May - Fuenciado

Chapter Thirteen

[Vic]

I layed down in my bunk, not even sure as to why. I wasn't tired, I wasn't upset, I just wasn't... well, anything. Shortly after laying down, I heard someone open and close the door to the bus, obviously trying to be quiet. I stuck my head around the curtain and got a glimpse of Jaime, walking to the washroom. He had his hand covering his face, and was limping a bit. What happened to him?

[Jaime]

I entered the bus as quietly as possible, hoping I wouldn't catch the attention of any of the guys and have to explain my current state. I noticed Tony and Mike were gone, and it seemed Vic was too, until I heard shuffling from one of the bunks. I didn't know who it was, worst case scenario Vic, best Tony, either way, I didn't want to talk right now. None of them would care anyways. Because all I am is worthless, right? Kellin said so, and Vic said so, even if behind my back, and Tony and Mike probably thought so as well, and it's what I was raised to believe... I walked, covering my face from whoever was by the bunks, to the washroom, to clean myself up. Not that it mattered, they'd all act like they care, but not mean it.

I grabbed a cloth and wet it down, washing my face off. I looked at my reflection and just stared myself in the eyes for a while... why was I always the worthless one? I really have no purpose at being here, do I? I looked down to the sink, feeling a tear drop on my arm. I had tears rolling down my face... but I deserved it. I deserve it all. I'm not good enough. I see the razor on the side of the sink, and think back to all those times as a teenager, a blade being my only friend. How I'd look forward to coming home and sliding a blade against my skin... feel the blood trickling down ly thigh... I ran my hand up my right thigh, where I would usually cut. What's a few more scars? I thought to myself. It's not like anyone would notice... much less care. I put my hands to my face and let out a sigh. I undid my pants and slid them down my legs, running my fingers along my scars, letting out another sigh. I picked up the razor and held it to my leg, when I heard a soft knock on the door. "Jaime, can I get in there?"

I let out a breath... of course Vic had to interrupt me. "Oh - uhm - 'kay, just a second..." I stood up, pulling my pants back up. I grabbed a rag that I knew no one would miss, and wrapped it around the razor. No one would disturb me in my bunk if they didn't even care, right? I put my hand over my face, covering my eye, and shoved the razor and cloth in my back pocket. I opened the door for Vic.

"What's wrong?" Vic asked, giving me a sad look.

"Nothing, just a headache man, don't worry about it," I shrugged it off, and walked past Vic. Vic walked into the washroom and I climbed into my bunk, laying on my bed. After closing my curtain, I took the razor and cloth from my pocket, and pulled down my pants again. I took the razor and selected where I'd start... I took in a deep breath. Letting it out, I pressed the blade against my skin, dragging it then lifting it, breathing a sigh of relief at the familiar sensation it brought. I saw the red beads of blood forming, and put on kind of a sick smile. "This one's for you Kellin..." I dragged the blade across my skin again and again, whispering reasons each time. "This is for believing you meant anything... this is for believing Vic when he said 'I love you'... this is for... and this is for... this is for..." Eventually, I reached a point where I was calm again, no longer feeling the urge for a blade pressed against my skin. I smirked at the red running down my leg, and grabbed the cloth to wipe it up. No one even cared to check on me. I ran my fingers down my leg, proud of my new work. I tossed my pants out of my bunk, not giving a care, and turned on my side, curling up and pulling up my blankets. I closed my eyes and let out a yawn, then drifted off to sleep.

***

My head snapped up, I heard someone yelling. "You can't just treat him like that!!" I heard Mike yell. Who was he talking to?

"Treat him like what? I'm just treating him how he deserves to be treated. He's just shit anyways," I heard Vic say. Is he... talking about me? I heard the sound of skin against skin, and a loud "Ow!"

"You may be my brother, but you're fucked in the head! Don't be an asshole. Leave him alone. You've hurt him enough already." I bit my lip, at least one person cared enough to say something.

"Do I care? He deserves it, and it let me get my boyfriend here. So fuck him. It's not like he's got a life ahead of him or anything, he's worthless, to me and to everyone." I fought back tears and got out of my bunk.

"That what you think of me Vic?" Vic nodded with a smirk on his face. "Well, fuck you Vic. I never liked you anyways," I lied, feeling my heart drop. I loved him... but he hated me. As did everyone else, besides Mike apparently.  I walked out the bus door, slamming it on the way out. Fuck everyone, I don't need to - I bumped into someone.

***

"Jaime? Jaime, what's wrong? JAIME," I felt someone shaking me. I cringed away from the touch. Shit, it was all just a dream... thank god...