not a love story

This is not a love story...But Its a story about love

Everyday is feeling the same. Its like an endless circle of sleep, eating and thinking how much time of your life you are waisting. Laying in bed all day and seeing the people around you living their life while you are alone at home. Overthinking if you are ever gonna experience this feeling called happiness. I have a theory of how I perceive life. I see it as a big railway network. With many different trains and directions you can take. Often I feel like all the people are together in a train, falling in love, having fun. But however im still alone at the train station. Waiting for a train to arrive.

Hey my name is Luca and I am gonna tell you the story of entering a train.

I still remember it really clearly it was a Monday I was casually scrolling on my phone. It was already later at night and I could feel the cold winter air through the half open window. When I saw that someone was sliding into my instagram dm's. I was expecting it to be on of these crappy porn ads but this time it wasn't. It was a boy. He had curly hair, skin in the color of caramel and beautiful eyes. Fucking beautiful eyes. He looked like the type of person I imagine to be an angel kind of unreal and perfect in anyway. I still know how shocked I was for him to text me cause im not even close to be on his level. He said „hi" and started to compliment me and my looks. His name was Antonio.

That was the moment I saw a train coming into the train station.

From the very first moment we were texting it „felt" real. It felt so familiar. It just felt right. Many people are gonna be reading this and think to themselves that you are not even able to start liking someone just by texting them. But for me it was. I never really felt any affection before. I am a gay boy going to Highschool so I think you can imagine my love life. Pretty much non existent. The only thing I get to feel outside of my room is violation so it didn't really surprise me to get really excited about texting this lovely BISEXUAL boy who really started to show just a little bit of interest in me. We were both talking to each other about the things that oppress us, and for the first time ever I felt safe. The following days we spent with texting each other all day long we got to know each other so well. We even started to joke about our future how we are gonna move to new york city, he is gonna be a fashion designer and I will be his runway model. We wanted to name our kids Zoe and Emma And with every message he sent me the attraction to him got more and more.

That was the moment I was entering the train.

„Luca, I have to see you please lets go on a date together" butterflies. I got literal butterflies in my stomach when he was saying that. So there I was 2 days later in a bus on my way to meet the boy. The boy. The boy who actually showed interest in me. The boy who liked me for the things I dint like about myself. And the boy who saw me. The following moment felt like a warm hug, the feeling of getting home, the feeling of safeness. The moment I saw him standing there in the snow under the lantern light I started to feel so many things. It felt as if all those things we have been texting to each other perhaps became real. He went towards me and the hug he gave to me really felt like a warm shower of love. Even if we never met in real life it felt so right and there was no place on earth I would have rather been than with him under that lattern in the snow. Spending time with him, felt like heaven on earth. I loved his smile his eyes and the way he looked at me through his eyes. „Come with me I know a secret spot, Luca" did I ever say that I love it when he uses my name in a sentence. Yes I do. He took me to the rooftop of a house near the river from where we could watch over the pretty skyline of the city. He held me in his arms looked me into my eyes and kissed me. It was like firework of emotions going through every inch of my body. It was warm soft and wet. We started to make out on top of a house viewing the sunset in each others arms when I said to him „am I dreaming? Is that real? Are you real?" He answered with a wet impulsive kiss on my neck. I couldn't tell if I got turned on by his wet lips on my neck or the emotional bond I felt towards him. But it was the moment I fell in love. Falling in love. „Antonio, promise me that you won't leave me. I need you. You are the first person who ever liked me for me. You are the first person who ever understood me. I love the way you make me feel. I love the person I become when im around you" „Luca" he started „the only place I wanna be right now is here with you in my arms and this is not gonna change. I am so embarrassingly in love with you"

After this day our train started to take another way as I thought

All of the sudden he started to act different wen we texted or were on face time. It was as if he realized that he is too good for me. And he made me feel like it. Antonio got to be a completely new person it was as if he was trying to prove to me that he is not just gay. Its like he was scared of going that far. Being in a relationship with a boy. It was too perfect to be real. How could I be so stupid and really thought that someone would finally appreciate me and love me. We didn't text that much anymore and I felt how he started to distance himself from me. But I didn't want that to happen. He made me feel things I have never felt before. He made me so happy that feeling nothing feels like sadness to me. So i made a plan. I wanted to surprise him and remind him on the day we fell in love with each other so I went into the bus drove up to his house got in front of his window and saw him. Together with someone else. It was a girl. She had long blond hair a skinny waist and beautiful boobs. She was perfect. He was on top of her they made out and he kissed her the same way he kissed me.It was the moment that broke me. The feeling I had was as if my whole life was a lie. It's like everything we ever had was erased, every memory every plan we have made just disappeared. He saw me and even though I hated him so much in that moment, I saw that he was sad too. I saw that he realized how much he messed up but he said something else „Oh come on Luca please give me my free space im not able to do all that homo stuff. I just wanted someone to test what it would feel like." „What it would feel like?" My voice started to trample „so you are trying to convince that you felt absolute nothing making out with me on that rooftop telling me how much you enjoy it to be with me? Oh no Antonio you are just a weak mothefucker who is too scared to really accept the way he feels. You like men. So what? You can't tell me that what we had was all just acted you cant. You feel the same for me. I see it in your eyes. But right now when I look at you I see nothing but a scared little boy."

I turned around and heard him say last four words „you deserve happiness, luca"

That was the moment I left the train

It made me realize that happiness can't be reliable on another persons appearance. But however here I am again sitting lonely at a train station without any trains.