Playing the Game of People

Soliloquy of Kanera Beru

    

To me, I used to think I understood people. To read social cues and react accordingly. So, I would never be left behind or ridiculed.

I once had someone I held dear, who was all I needed in this world to be happy. I thought if I had this one person, I could get through anything. We met through friends and had fun, cheeky personalities which could bounce off each other. Naturally making jokes and teasing one another to keep our spirits high. I originally thought that was only our dynamic alone. Eventually our connection got deeper, and we would share most of our young years together. Of course, there was bumps along the way, but it was simple to straighten out.

In a lapse of judgement, I found it unnecessary to rely on anyone else, I mean why would I? This person was all I needed to talk to. That was the start of my downhill descent to darkness.

When they asked for me to let out my emotions more to them, I kept striving to fill their wish. If they got frustrated with something I did, I would immediately look to fix it and apologise – the next time it would not happen. If they did not like someone close to me, I tried to understand from their position and eventually distance myself from that individual. Everything was fine and in control if I kept this person happy. My bias and favour would lead to confusion and madness.

Why when I got frustrated, I was rebuked?

Why if I was angry at them for a justifiable reason, I was the one, in the end, at fault?

Why when something they did made me distraught, I eventually felt bad for them?

Why did they want me to open my heart?

Why did it have to hurt so much?

To make it easier for them to manipulate me.

Ah, I see.

I read them wrong from the beginning. I did not understand their intentions. They were after an easy source of comfort. Someone available when needed and easy to discard when appropriate.

Ahh how naïve.

They had the power to use my emotions against me. If I retaliated it would be all to easy to repel me. They could completely understand and manipulate a person's intentions. A power hidden in invisible tells. To understand body language, emotional energy and the precision of their intuition - unclouded by preconceived details. Something I must master to keep myself safe. I never want to be in that scenario again.

To control instead of controlled.

That is how I would prefer to be.