Khandi's Drag Race S13:E1 - Khandi's Big Opening 1: Haus of Dior In The House!

Episode 1

Fourteen queens...
Fourteen weeks...
Our grand prize of $400,000.
Welcome to Khandi's Drag Race Season 13!
🎶 Khandi's Drag Race, start your engines! Khandi's Drag Race, will the best queen win! 🎶
Tonight's special guest judge is the legendary diva... Chaka Khan!
Oh look, the contestants are arriving now!
"Haus of Dior in the house! Heyyy!"
Spaghettio Ravioli walks into the werkroom
"First one here! Blessed and highly favoured!"
Spaghettio's Confessional: "I'm Spaghettio Ravioli, California's premiere fashionista drag queen. I'm funny. I'm beautiful. I lipsync the house down. Everyone should be watching out for me."
Spaghettio walks over to the werkroom table, kicks off her shoes and puts her feet up
"Bring on the competition."
Morgue-Anne Reaper walks into the werkroom
"Wassup bitches! The odd one's here!"
Spaghettio: "Miss Morgue-Anne Reaper, you crazy bitch!"
Spaghettio's Confessional: "I can't believe Morgue is here! I thought she was pretty anti-Drag Race? Oh well, mumbles fricking Khandi's race."
Spaghettio and Morgue run to hug each other
Morgue's Confessional: "I am Morgue-Anne Reaper, queen of camp. You wouldn't believe the under the table offer the producers gave me to be here but now that I've sold out, I'm gonna give you all LIFE!"
Spaghettio: "Two Haus of Dior bitches? They must really want to make up for the desert of S12."
They both cackle
An echo'ed whisper starts
"Veeeeeeeexxxxxx, VeEeeEeEeEXxXxxXx, VEEEEEEEEXXXXXX!"
Vexx runs into the doorway
"I must be Young. But age is just a number! Just kidding, fuck MAPS."
Morgue: "No way."
Spaghettio: "This bitch."
Vexx's Confessional: "I'm Vexx. Saving lives by day and giving you life by night, I'm Leicester's only drag pharmacist. And trust me, I'm no pill."
Vexx: "Hey beauties! I can't believe we're all here. This is crazy. It's just gonna make it harder when I have to send your asses packing."
Morgue: "Vexx, you're so fierce. I can't believe we're all here!"
Maniac laughter echo'es off screen. The queens look at each other, confused.
The Countess enters the werkroom
"Welcome to Hooters! Can I take your fucking order?"
Spaghettio: "And The Countess is here too. Of course, why wouldn't she be?"
The Countess's Confessional: "I'm The Countess, a spooky bitch who likes to BITE."
Vexx: "Something's going on here, girls. Four queen from the Haus of Dior?"
Spaghettio: "Next thing we know, fricking Aja is gonna be a returning queen!"
We hear footsteps coming round the corner
Chloe Parts enters the werkroom
"This Barbie is out of the box and ready to slay!"
Chloe's Confessional: "I'm Chloe Parts, the prettiest queen in Liverpool. You may think I'm Dolly Parts's drag daughter but I am in nobody's shadow."
Chloe: "Dayum, it's a Hamburger Mary's afterparty in here."
Vexx: "Except usually you'd be centre-stage and I'd be taking world-class selfies at the bar with a round of tequila shots!"
Jenny Tayla enters the werkroom
"I'm so into winning right now!"
Jenny's Confessional: "I am Jenny Tayla, a funny bitch from Atlanta, GA. You probably guessed that by now."
Chloe: "JENNY!!!"
Jenny: "CHLOE!!!"
Chloe's Confessional: "Jenny and I are soul sisters, we go way back."
They hug tight
Crazy coughing and wheezing starts offscreen
Vexx: "Who's this?"
Black Angel enters the werkroom
"Damn, I'm too old for this shit!"
Everyone screams in surprise
The Countess: "Motherfucking Black Angel."
Black Angel's Confessional: "Everyone knows who I am. I am the number one queen in Leicester. The head of the dynasty."
Chloe's Confessional: "It's such a gag that Black Angel is here. Goddammit, I thought I was gonna be the most famous one!"
Black Angel: "So what I've missed?"
Black Angel laughs
.
Ooooh girl! She done already done had herses!
Onscreen Khandi: "Hey squirrelfriends! Haus of Dior in the house! I bet you're all Illinoiying each other already. Ain't Nobody better than my girls and now, This Is Your Night!
Spaghettio: "I wonder what the challenge is..."
Khandi Dior appears at the top of the stairs
Everyone goes wild
Khandi: "Hi ladies!"
Morgue: "Hi daddy."
Khandi: "Welcome to the premiere of season 13 of Khandi's Drag Race! As you can see, all seven of you have something in common. You're bottoms! Just kidding, you are Haus of Dior's boldest and brightest queens. As you can guess, you are only the first half of this season's cast but don't worry about that for now. I bet you're all wondering what your first challenge is."
Everyone screams "Yes!"
Khandi: "For your first maxi challenge, I wanna get to know a little more about who you are and where you come from. You'll be recording lyrics and performing to my new track "Haus of Dior Is That Bitch". Then on the runway, you'll be paying tribute to the most spectacular diva and our guest judge tonight, Chaka Khan!"
Everyone goes wild
Chloe's Confessional: "I can't believe THE Chaka Khan is actually gonna be here. She's such an inspiration to me."
Khandi: "After the challenge tonight, there WILL be a twist. So be prepared for... Anything to happen. Drag Racers, start your engines and may the best drag queen win!
Later in the werkroom...
Vexx and Chloe sit writing their lyrics with Morgue
Chloe: "Morgue sis, what are you gonna say about yourself in your lyrics?"
Morgue: "I think everyone already knows what to expect from me on the runway so I just want to make sure they don't forget that I am a damn good performer too. What about you Vexx?"
Vexx: "I just wanna serve a bit of puss, a bit of attitude, a bit of sex. But I'm also playing it really camp."
Chloe's Confessional: "I love Vexx but she's not got a lot of performing experience. I think out of everyone here, she is the biggest wildcard on that stage. I hope she can pull it off."
Jenny Tayla is having a long nap on the couch
Meanwhile, Spaghettio, Black Angel and The Countess are all humming to themselves at the other table.
The Countess: "I dunno girls. I've got a lot of talents but rapping isn't one of them. I'm gonna try and sell it with a bit of personality and performance. I bet you're confident, Spaghettio."
Spaghettio: "Yes ma'am! This is my challenge! I'm just ready to go out there and sell it."
Chloe: "You and me both!"
Black Angel: "And I'll just be selling drinks after."
They all laugh
.
🎶 Covergirl, put the bass in your walk... 🎶
Khandi: "Welcome to the main stage of Khandi's Drag Race!"
We are joined by the delightful Michelle Visage, the delectable Ross Matthews and our divalicious guest judge Chaka Khan! We're about to be entertained by our first batch of queens performing "Haus of Dior Is That Bitch!" Then on the runway, category is Night Of A 1000 Chaka's!
Khandi: "Please welcome to the stage, the Haus of Dior queens!"
.
🎶 Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dioe
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I'm that bitch
[Chloe Parts:]
C to the H to the LOE
Chloe Parts is lookin' real fly
No I didn't come just to make you cry
I came to slay every challenge so you don't gotta try
May know my ma, yeah, Dolly is her name
But I'm here to guarantee that I'ma earn my own fame
From dancing up and down all through
Chi-ca-go
To painting this face, just like I'm Van Gogh.
[The Countess:]
Bitch I'm from NYC, a weirdo you'll never be
Punk Rock Queen ready for the world to loathe me
Satan's slur ready to slay
The Countess's family are here to play
Some say, "I'm a freak" but they're just weak
Change up your mug, you're not unique
I am an icon and a legend in the making
I'll have you all screaming "Count Your Blessings!"
[Spaghettio Ravioli:]
Yes, it's Spaghettio girls! The legend, the talent, she's finally here!
Hail from California, greatest at everything, even gotta have the greatest career
Queen of sex, I've got what you need, I'm the damn Kingpin
Model, baby, it's time to love your skin
I'm the big mixed queen with a face of beauty
This bitch is stunning, don't need to be some white cutie
California's all legends, while New York's just dumb whores
I'm Spaghettio Ravioli, and when I'm done you'll be begging for more
Incase you forgot
Let me remind you that
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I-I'm that bitch
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I-I'm that bitch
I-I-I'm that bitch
[Vexx:]
Phone ring
Hey! It's Miss Vexx! Bitch leave a message!
She's serving looks, a girl is impressive
She's a pharmacy student from the Windy City
And she's 'bout to explode, you're gonna see me!
My name in lights, it just seems right
Hold on to your wig
Before it gets snatched! Wig ruveal
She's a British diva, baddest bitch alive
When she gets the crown, don't be surprised!
[Morgue-Anne Reaper:]
Yup, it's Morgue, the baddest bitch in Detroit
Seeving looks, gags and I'll steal the show!
Once I step on stage, you'll know that I'm a pro
Giving these children the best verse with the strongest flow
Back in Chicago, those bitches know me
As the best bitch there, that's the fucking tea!
If I land in the bottom, I'll make you leave,
The lipsync assasin, now that's a guarantee!
Incase you forgot
Let me remind you that
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I-I'm that bitch
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I-I'm that bitch
I-I-I'm that bitch
[Jenny Tayla:]
Good morning audience
(Good morning Jenny Tayla)
Hope you saved room for nothinggg
C-c-c-c-c-c-cause I fell asleep
This should be Nicky's verse but I'm gonna pretend this is my world
If you think this verse is boring that's on fancy, girl
I'm just here to slay the runways and have my fake Gigi verse unread
[Black Angel:]
Black Angel is here, servin' simplicity (huh?),
From Dover Castle in Leicester City
I'm the best host, now and forever (that's true!)
Funny and witty and I'm freakin' clever,
I'll ask my guest "How you doing tonight?"
"You okay? You alright? Hope you're doing just fine!"
Most known queen in Leicester you can't argue with that
My makeup is fierce but she looks like a brat (what?)
Incase you forgot
Let me remind you that
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I-I'm that bitch
Hau-Hau-Haus of Dior
We is that bitch
And I-I-I'm that bitch
That's the way it is
Don't-don't-don't you wish
You could be like this
But you can't touch all this
It's unanimous
I-I-I'm that bitch
.
Khandi: "Category is... Night Of 1000 Chaka's!"
🎶 Snapshot! 🎶
Chloe: "Tonight I am serving fashion model Chaka Khan. This outfit is hugging all of my curves and fitting my body just right. I feel just like Chaka up on this stage. It feels amazing to finally be on Khandi's Drag Race and I am ready to slay this competition."
The Countess: "I am serving you Lady in Red tonight. I just want to show the judges that I'm not just serving punk bitch of the season. I'm giving you Vegan Weight Loss Chaka fantasy and I've never felt more beautiful."
Spaghettio: "I am serving you pure Chaka in this beautiful belted gown. I'm the world's greatest model Chaka Khan impersonator!"
Vexx: "Chaka IS one of my biggest idols, girl. And tonight, she is a bad bitch in a badass dress!"
Morgue: "I'm wearing one of Chaka Khan's underrated looks and I'm looking stun! I'm wearing big hair and I have every detail right! I'm showing everyone that I can do glamour and I hope I'm doing Chaka proud!"
Jenny: "I love Miss Chaka Khan, BUT! I'm going in a little bit more creative direction. I'm doing her look from the show Masked Singer. And this is honestly just my style! I love doing something stupid... and gay."
Black Angel: "For the first runway I am serving one of my favorite Chaka looks, she wore this in the cover of her album "Hello Happiness". I'm a Chaka Khan superfan and I am feeling really elegant."
🎶 Snapshot 🎶
.
Khandi: "Ladies, tonight no one is safe. Let's get to your critiques!"
Khandi: "First up, Chloe Parts!"
Ross: "I think you did a great job in all areas tonight. I really loved your lyrics and your runway."
Chaka: "I love this outfit on you! Out of everyone, I felt you really found a look of mine that also showed me some of your personality."
Michelle: "If I could make one critique tonight, I felt that your rhymes were a little forced at times but I love the attitude you were serving in the challenge and the runway."
Ross: "I think you made your drag momma really proud tonight."
Khandi: "Next to the spooktacular The Countess!"
Michelle: "Your verse was my favourite of the whole night. I felt you really showed us who you are while hitting a rhythm that really showed how musical you are."
Chaka: "Girl, you blew me away. When you first walked on the stage during the performance, I had no idea what to expect. Through the night, you showed me that you are a really wonderful, versatile performer."
The Countess: "Thank you, no one's ever called me vers before!"
They all laugh
Ross: "It was a shining moment for you."
Khandi: "Spaghettio Ravioli!"
Ross: "I really don't know what happened to you tonight. When I heard you were in the cast, my expectations for you were really high but it sort of fell flat."
Chaka: "I didn't really connect with your verse, it felt to me like you were rushing and a little self-conscious. On the plus side, I love this look on you tonight. I think out of everyone's tonight, you gave me the best!"
Khandi: "Next up, Miss Vexx!"
Michelle: "First I gotta say, your makeup in both elements tonight really blew me away. In the performance category, I didn't know what to expect considering I know you're not really a performer. What you lacked in dancing ability, you more than made up for in comic timing and creativity. Great job!"
Ross: "I think you gave me life tonight on the runway. Those ruffles look really nice on you. If I could give you one piece of advice, make sure you bring me BIG. I love the simple elegance of this look but I'll be looking for variety."
Khandi: "Let's hear how Morgue-Anne Reaper did this week!"
Michelle: "I think you served in this challenge but the runway let me down a little. That color isn't very flattering on you."
Chaka: "I really loved your performance though. I got a great idea of who you are."
Khandi: "Next up Jenny Tayla!"
Michelle: "I think you know yourself it was a week of two halves for you. You absolutely sleepwalked your way through the challenge and gave it nothing."
Ross: "On the runway though! This is destined to be one of the looks of the season. I want to see this energy going forward If you survive to see another week."
Khandi: "Last up, it's Black Angel!"
Ross: "Just like Spaghettio, you are a legend but I wasn't feeling it tonight. The verse gave me "rhyming dictionary". I think going for
self-deprecation was a mistake considering we asked for a sense of who you are. If you open with criticism of yourself, you're not giving us a reason to love you."
Michelle: "This runway is a little too simple too. If you make it to next week, I wanna see a bit more confidence from you. We know you're legendary, show it to us."
.
Khandi: "Okay girls, I'm ready to make some decisions."
Morgue-Anne Reaper, you are, safe.
The Countess, Chloe Parts and Vexx...
You all slayed the challenge.
Chloe Parts... You are safe.
That means The Countess and Vexx, you are the Top 2 of the week. You will be lipsyncing for the challenge win and a cash tip of $10,000. In addition, you will choose which of the bottom queens to save from the lipsync for your life which will be against the bottom queen from the other premiere.
To the bottom queens...
Jenny Tayla,  you really dropped the ball in the challenge. However, your energy and creativity on the runway made me believe you have more to show. You are safe.
That means Spaghettio Ravioli and Black Angel, you are the bottom 2 of the week. One of you will be saved by the winner and the other will lipsync for their life next week.
.
The Countess... Vexx... Prior to tonight, you were asked to prepare a lipsync performance to Chaka Khan's song "Ain't Nobody" in order to win a cash tip and the power to save one of the bottom queens from the lipsync.
Good luck... and don't fuck it up.
The Countess and Vexx lipsync
....
The Countess... Condragulations you are the winner of this week's challenge and have won a cash tip of $10,000! However, with great power comes great responsibility. Which queen have you chosen to save from lipsyncing for their life?
The Countess: "Black Angel."
Khandi: "That means I'm sorry Spaghettio Ravioli but you will be lipsyncing against the bottom queen of the 2nd premiere."