The coffee shop feels wrong. The regulars already know. I don't even know how they do because I didn't tell them but they know and Hazel, the waitress who always waits our table knows and she tries to smile but the empty space beside me feels like an elephant standing in the middle of the room.
"here we go." Hazel hands us all our coffees and then there is a cup of hot water and a tea bag on her tray and her hands freeze as she goes for it.
"Um... will-will that be all for now?" Her smile is a terrible mix of embarrassment and sadness.
"We're good, thanks, Hazel." Grey saves Haze from further mistakes. He drinks his coffee.
"I'm so sorry for your loss." A woman behind us says. I recognize her but unlike Lucy I don't know her name.
"Thank you." Grey says before I have to say anything. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to feel like I'm stuck at the funeral with people saying how sorry they are and how unfair it is for Lucy to have been the one that this happened to.
Juvia stares at her cup. I want to ask her what's wrong but my mouth won't move.
"You okay?" Grey asks her.
"She always does the creamers." Juvia says, her eyes filling with tears.
I look at the two bowls of creamers and sugars as if they're waiting for Lucy too. Her coffee sits there expectantly. I can relate.
"It's fine, Juvia." Grey tries "just do it."
"No!" Juvia screams. I think she surprised herself because she just sits there staring t the bowls as if they're a snake that might bite her.
"It's fine, Juvia, here just—"
"No." Juvia snaps more quietly this time "she always does it and—and she stirs it for me and she—she—she..." Juvia's breath comes too fast and her hands shake and she does the worst thing she could do right now. Her eyes slide to the empty space beside me
"Here." Grey pushes his coffee aside and gets to work. Everything about me feels stiff, just like her when she tried to hide in my arms for protection and I failed.
My hands move forward and I'm peeling back the tops and pouring them in and Juvia sits there with tears streaming down her face, her eyes locked on Lucy's empty spot.
Lucy found this coffee shop. She liked the tea selection there. She likes Hazel and she liked this booth. The empty space beside me feels like a fire waiting to burn me. don't look I tell myself but Juvia is staring at it with her coffee in her hand. don't look I warn myself as Grey's eyes flicker over their every so often.
Don't
Look.
I look.
And I get burned.
As we leave, our coffees paid for by one of the regulars who knew Lucy. I stop at the door and I look back at the coffee shop and I look to Grey with his arm around Juvia.
"I don't think we should go here anymore." I say.
Juvia and Grey's eyes shoot up to me.
"but..." Juvia wants to argue but I can see it in both of their eyes.
"It just..." I try to swallow the lump in my throat again "I hurts too much." I shove my hands into my pocket. "I'll see you guys later." I start to walk away but both Juvia and Grey stop me and pull me into their arms.
"Don't lose touch man." He squeezes me.
"Yeah." I let them hug me but my arms don't work. I don't work anymore.
"seriously, Natsu." Juvia says, "if you need anything please call us."
"Sure." I agree more to placate them than actual readiness to accept their help.
"We'll stop by tomorrow, okay?" Juvia kisses my cheek and I pull away before I can see Grey and her walk away together. Lucy would be happy for them. I'm not as good as Lucy is.
==============================================
Dear Natsu,
I saved you for last because I didn't know how to start yours. I tried hundreds of times but I kept thinking maybe you'd leave me and I wouldn't have to write this letter but I'm Mrs. Dragneel now and I'm so happy. I thought the last one was good enough but then I became Mrs. Dragneel and I had to write a new one because you don't deserve good enough. You deserve the best because that's what you gave me. because that's what you gave everyone else. Please, don't be sad. Don't be angry at me, at least not for more than a day because even 24 hours is a lot of hours to spend on being angry and sad on something you can't change. I know I should tell you. I know you'd be supportive and you'd want to spend as much time as you can with me and have all those adventures we planned on but I didn't want it to feel rushed. I don't want to try and squeeze a lifetime of love into a time limit and then use all of your time. I want us to live a normal and simple and real love and that's exactly what you give me. We fight over stupid things and we make up and you bring me flowers to put in the vase you made me on our fourth date to the pottery shack and I remember what you said. I remember everything you say to me, Natsu. I write them in my notebook and I treasure them in my heart and the times you catch me staring at nothing I'm thinking of all the nice things you say to me and I'm thinking of how nice our nights are, just holding onto each other. I don't need grand gestures and I don't need expensive vacations or big houses. I want life, Natsu. I want a normal life with someone who loves me for all of my quirks and for all of my spacey-ness and you give me that. You give me that everyday and I am happy with that. Not just content, not just for now, I am HAPPY with that. I LOVE that.
I know this isn't fair. I made you think that there was a forever possible for us and I know I stole your time and that isn't fair. I know that, but I didn't think I was going to find someone I love so much my heart beats faster at the thought of your name and it slows down when I'm in your arms. Someone who laughs at all of my quirks and treasures me as if I were some kind of precious gem and someone who knows all of the little things I like.
I JUST LOVE YOU, NATSU. I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much my only regret is that I might not be able to grow old with you and fight over memories we can't quite remember right and tv shows that you like and I like and whether we should go out or stay in with each other. I regret that I might not be able to keep my promise to stay with you. Forever. I knew it was a lie when I said it but I just wanted it to be true so badly, I thought maybe if I said it out loud, if I swore it in front of everyone, that it might be true. I knew something was wrong though. It wasn't anything that could be tested or fixed, it was just there, inside of me. I had a feeling and I was selfish when I said we should get married. I am so sorry I did that to you but I'm hoping you're looking at it like I do. I'm hoping that for as much as it hurts, the memories we both have now are worth it.
I don't know how this whole dying thing works. I don't know if I get to watch over you guys or if I'll just be sleeping or if I'll be reincarnated into the next dog you own, but loving you is worth it. Loving you and being loved by you is worth anything that comes along with it.
I know I've hurt you and I know you don't owe me anything because you've already given me everything but I'm going to ask for one more favor. Smile for me. Love for me. Live for me
With all of my love, your friend, you significant other, your wife
Lucy Mae Dragneel
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Author's Note:
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Thank you so much
YOU ARE READING
Every Reason I Loved Her- FairyTail edition
Fiksi PenggemarNatsu loves Lucy, Lucy loves Natsu Their whole relationship has been as easy as breathing but lately Natsu notices Lucy acting strangely, he trusts her but he'd do anything to protect her but how can he do that when she won't tell him what's wrong...
