"Why do we always make love in the dark"

Talking about it

Again, it was 8 pm we were both in bed, our hands around each other, in the dark.
And again I asked her to turn on the lights, and she refused.
And again I respected that.
We had made love so many times, sometimes even just sex,
and yet she was still insecure showing me her body.

Wilhelmina had her issues yes, but I still found her beautiful despite all the things she thought of herself.
So tonight I asked why, why did she not want me to make love to her with the lights on.

"Mina ?"
I asked softly as my hand kept circling her clit while i was on top of her.

"Yes baby....mmmm....what is it..?"

-"why can't you let me see you like this ? I think you're beautiful, and yet I can't even see your pretty face when you cum.."

She was stunned by my words, she moaned softly and her eyes got watery. I felt her tremble underneath me, but it wasn't from coming, so i stopped my hand licking her wetness from my finger
.
"Babe, I've seen you, naked and with clothes on, laughing and sobbing while tears stream down those rosie cheeks and I'm still here. Because I wanna be. I want you to be mine, and me to be yours. Yet when we have sex, i can't see anything ?"

She registered my words and picked up all her courage to answer

"I know that, but when we are intimate it is different. I'm scared, I'm scared you'll see something i hate and run away..."

"I swear if this is about your back...."

"YES OKAY OBVIOUS IT IS"

she got mad and pushed me off of her and started to leave the bed.

"Mina.. stop... Where are you going, we need to sort this out now"

I breathed as I rushed to her side of the bed and circle my arms around her body to stop her from standing up.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING LET ME GO"

"NO ! NO ! FOR GOD SAKE I WILL NOT LET YOU LEAVE WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH, OR UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT...You need to work for this..."
I pointed back and forth between us.

"Honey, mina tell me what do you think will happen ? I've seen your back already, it didn't change anything, you are beautiful to me, with your scoliosis or without" I ran my finger down her spine and she shivered when I kissed the bruises on top of her back.

"I know...but...you...have...never seen all of me at once, and especially when...i give up...control"

there it was, why did i not see that, it ,as obvious that during sex she was vulnerable, and she hated that as much as she loved to be topped.
I saw her summon all her courage to say,

TW: MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

"When I was younger..the boy that I was sort of "dating"....he...he wasn't very.. patient with me...and..."
She was sobbing, sniffling between words.

"Well.. i wasn't ready to have sex...and...after a few months...he got tired of waiting...and when he got to my house on day...he started to make out with me...ln my room on the bed....he undressed me and started to play...with himself...but as he got me naked... and flipped me over roughly to penetrate me he saw my back..and he...just stopped yelled that was disgusting...that he wasn't going to touch that...and he just jacked off...because he said i was giving him blue balls...and came on my back...then he just left."
She was now crying, curled in a ball on the bed we so often shared, and i was devastated.
Angry and mad at this asshole, for trying to break my Mina, and for having done that to her.

"Mina, I'm so sorry, i didn't know...it's ok we don't have to ever turn the lights on...I don't want you to be uncomfortable"

i said while spooning her and brushing her tears away.