Written Words Never Said

Written Words Never Said

Right after school finishes, I get onto my bike and head towards the hospital where my boyfriend, Liam is, struggling to breathe, hanging on to whatever is left of his life. He’s in there because of his eating disorders. He was anorexic and bulimic. It’s unfair how he was the one who had to pay when everyone else treated him so horribly. He doesn’t deserve this. He spent his life so miserably, he hated himself, and now he will die hating himself, regretting everything he’s done even though nothing was his fault. But, that’s how life is. You try your best to be the perfect person everyone expects you to be, but in the process you lose who you really are, and you beat yourself down until you are a completely different person, the opposite of who you’ve built yourself to be for your whole life.

I arrive at the hospital. I get off my bike and lean it against a tree. I’d rather it be gone when I come back out than to miss the opportunity to see Liam while he’s still breathing. I head inside and I am greeted by a few of the nurses. I come here often, almost every single day for one month and two weeks now. I walk up the stairs to level three and head down the hallway and into his room. There, Liam lies in the hospital bed, his face pale, his fingers boney. Our eyes meet and he forces a half-smile onto his face.

“Hey,” he says. “I’ve been waiting for you.” He talks quietly and weakly, and it’s evident that he’s having difficulty breathing. I walk up beside him and I take his hands in mine. They’re cold and shaky, and I can’t help but worry that this will possibly be the last day I will ever see him alive. I try to hold back the tears, but they come out anyways.

“Please don’t cry,” he pleads. He removes his left hand from mine and touches my cheek. “I’ve got something for you... Can you get it? It’s in my bag… side pocket.” He struggles to let the words out. I turn around and find his bag on the side table. I unzip the side pocket and reach my hand inside. I pull the item out, it’s a notebook of some sort.

“What is this?” I ask. Liam doesn’t respond. I turn around to see him smiling, his eyes half closed. No.This can’t be happening. I sit on the edge of the bed and hug him. The tears are now rushing down my face. His eyes are closed now. No. Please. With trembling lips, I lean down and kiss his forehead.

“I… I love you,” I tell him.

The nurse comes in and looks at me with sympathy. “I’m so sorry,” she says, “he’s gone.” I scream, but I don’t know what words are coming out of my mouth. I run out of the hospital, shove the notebook into my backpack, get onto my bike, return home, and run up to my bedroom, still screaming. But, no one can hear me. My mother and I live alone and she hasn’t returned from work yet.

Half an hour later, my mother arrives home. She runs up the stairs and into my bedroom where she finds me curled into a ball against the corner. I’ve stopped screaming, but I am crying loudly. She doesn’t ask what happened, she just sits beside me and holds me while I cry. Whenever my mother holds me, it makes me feel secure. I slowly stop crying after a while and she lets go of me and stands up. She takes my hands and helps me get up. I know what’s going to happen. She’s going to bring me to our favourite bakery and buy us each a red velvet cupcake, the best thing I have ever tasted. The bakery is very small and old, but it’s also special to us. We go there every time one of us is upset over something, it’s where we escape to.

-

The first time we went here, and I can remember it so clearly, was when my father left us. I was eight years old and in bed, but I was still awake. Even though my father was trying to talk quietly, I could hear every single word clearly.

“That son of ours, Josh, he’s different, y’know? I’ve caught him playing with your makeup many times! I’m telling you, he’s gay!” my father had an angry tone, and it frightened me.