02/04/2021 Today I had a couple hours of alone time of which were spent crying alone in the my dark dorm room. I knew it was coming. Especially since its been getting bad again and I've fallen back down into that place and been stuck there for the last couple of months. Don't get me wrong, of course, there were some days over winter break and after moving back in for the semester that were filled with happiness and good moods. Yet, the nights spent letting a couple silent tears slip while falling asleep and the hours after hours of trying to drown out my thoughts have been exhausting. I think I was finally able to sob in that brief moment in my dormroom because of the weather.
Gradually as the day progressed the howling wind got louder and the rain poured down harder. As if to tell me, "if you won't let it out we'll push you to" and in a way it did. Unfortunately, after those couple of hours spent in silent waves of exhaustion I eventually dragged myself to my last class of the day with glossy eyes and an aching heart. Of course I still had enough strength to put on my mask, my fake smile, happy attitude and wipe even evidence that I cried away. To learn beginners level Spanish as a 1st year college student.
Then something happened that lifted my heavy heart and stopped my thoughts. After opening the door to leave class I first heard the howling wind, of which came as no surprise. Especially considering how the weather had been today. When I finally looked up while pulling my hood over my heat not rain but snow started to fall. Each snowflake stinging ever so slightly while landing right under my eyes. Where the warm tears had begun their journey just hours ago.
You see, I used to say I loved every season but now I think I've always had a connection to the colder months of the year. As I walked back to my dorm room I knew I wouldn't have anymore alone time today considering my roomate would be there. Yet, somehow as ridiculous as it sounds feeling the snowflake melt into my skin as I walked back it seemed like it might not be hard to put on a my "mask", my fake smiles and laughter. Thinking back I don't know if the weather was trying to lift my spirits or rather just remind me that the next stage of this battle is to become numb. Numb not just to the bite of the freezing snow and wind but to those thoughts and feelings I had not long ago in the dark.
I honestly don't know if the "lifting of my heavy heart" was happiness, joy, or rather the all too familiar process and consequences of falling back into that dark place.
However, regardless of all of that I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming feeling brought by the freshness of the cold wind littered with snowflakes as I walked back. Then, as I got closer and closer to my dorm hall I left an pull a tug at my soul.
What pull? The pull to lie on the ground similar to those viral tiktoks. Yet, instead of feeling the pouring rain pin me to the pavement, but rather the chilling snow. I felt this pull as sweet as a sirens song calling me to lay down and rest while feeling the numbing snow softly caress and kiss my skin till I couldn't even feel that anymore.
Regardless, here I am back in my dorm room acting "normal" and pretending I had a wonderful day despite the weather. Lieing and agreeing with my roomate when she mentions that the snow is horrible and going outside is worthless for the remainder of the day. Pretending I've ate today, and ignoring this tugging at my heart and mind telling me to run outside and lie on the ground till my hair freezes into place. Till my body becomes stiff and I can finally rest.
