It was a hard process to understand that no one will ever, without efforts, could understand me. I remained alone, in solitude, but I craved a company whom I can talk my heart with,to. Then, I tried mixing with people initially, but they thought I wasn't happy being among them. And to be honest, I truly wasn't. Neither was I sad or anguished because of them. It was just...I simply felt drained and isolated even among a bunch of laughters. I still wanted one, just one, genuine, empathetic smile ,amd a pair of eyes carrying depths of ocean amidst the fits of laughters and noise of people. And I couldn't find one. Then again, I became aloof. Everyone thought I was sad, depressed and distressed over life. But I was not ! There was a moment when I spoke to people about things I love, and they saw my eyes sparkle, they thought I was happy. But when I saw that my shine didn't reflect in their eyes, I curtailed my eyes from people. For, I saw their eyes holding alienation for me. I learnt, with so much heaviness that I had to keep my shine, sparkles and smiles to myself. I had to talk to myself about the things I loved, about the mirth of life, I had to close the doors so that no one peeped inside, only to see my illuminating home as a boredom.
I sit at the window sills many times, letting my gaze wander between the flow of human beings, busy in Allahu Aalam what. But I shield myself a lot more than I should I guess. I hear knocks on my door., I cross the stairs even, I hold the knob, just to turn it open, but I fear alienation I once faced. Maybe, its the fear of mockery. But its there. A guard, I would, probably never let down. In the confinements of my illuminating home, I talk to myself,...my voice echoes throughout the walls. It sometime tells, that I should open the door just once for that someone.,who's words somehow try to sneak into my home. But fears, insecurities and my own authenticity wouldn't let me move forward. How can the world harm someone so much ? How can the world permanently taint someone's heart that they are scared of opening up ever again ? How can this fake, glamorous world hurt authenticity and differences this much ?
Why can't everyone understand that someone who sits by themselves aren't exactly sad, nor someone who laughs on silly things is exactly happy. For some, its never about being happy or sad. For some, its about being home. A home , that they find nowhere except in themselves.
#livingasinfj #thisishowispendbreaks #donotcopypasteforAllahssake 😒
©️ Zeenat Nazeer
