Saving Herself First

Prologue

Song for this part is - heart of stone by iko

It was the dull empty eyes for me but the nice smile. Honestly I don't know how people do this everyday. I'm so tired of feeling empty.

Everyday it's the same thing over and over again. Every time I cry, I just feel exhausted.

My eyes swell with salty tears running down my face and my chest feeling tight. I feel the muscles on my chin tremble like a small child.

I know how you feel. And I'm sorry.

I know what it feels like, the pain.

You just feel like you're stuck to the ground as you see life moving past you.

That you have no purpose in life. And that if you passed away, people would care about you more than ever. They would try to understand your pain of why did you do it.

But that's the thing about seasonal depression. You think you're okay for that period of time until it hits you harder than ever. Then you feel like you're getting better within time but then it hits you harder than the last time. And it's just a continuous cycle.

But know this. There are thousands, millions of people who exactly understand how you feel.

Depression is an evil thing that is a disease that spreads and possesses a man's body, mind and soul. You didn't let them in, they invited themselves in without permission, without warning. And it takes capture of you.

You want to get better, you want to leave but you can't.

Because you get used to calling that home.

Don't give up. Don't give up at all.

I know it's hard to see in the dark, to see what life is worth. Being blindfolded by depression truly makes it hard to see how life is beautiful, but life is beautiful.

Remember once you take that blindfold off, you'll see the beauty in life, the colours.

It's so beautiful, so damn beautiful that it makes me tear up.

I didn't know how i didn't see it before.

You don't know how many times I wanted to cut away the depression instead of having thoughts of the blade on myself. Now thinking back, i've would've been adding more pain then I already had. It just doesn't make sense.

I've been living in silence. Locking myself up.

Slowly dying inside out, rotting away. But no one knew.

I believe that no one can save me. No one will.

But don't believe that. Because you'll get what you deserve, that shot of happiness that you've always wanted.

So keep your shoulders back, head held up high and breathe. Remember to stay cause you're worth it.

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