The 5 Stages of Grief by writing-in-april

Stage one: Denial

Summary: Spencer goes through each of the stages of grief after death of the reader. Stage one is denial.
A/N: I'm finally bringing this series to Wattpad!! Yay!! I'm about halfway through posting it on my tumblr and new chapters will be out every Friday!
WARNINGS FOR SERIES: Death of Reader, Drugs, Suicidal thoughts, Depression,Extreme Grief, Unreliable narrator, Gun violence

This was not happening. There was no way this was happening. This was just some sort of alternative reality or maybe a dream. Maybe I'm having a psychotic break- those were common with people who have early signs of schizophrenia right?
I wasn't sure of anything in the few minutes that had passed since I had seen the light go out from their eyes. I was still cradling their body covered in blood, they had been shot by the unsub they had been pursuing down a back alley. I didn't really care where the unsub had gone all my mind was focusing on was the fact that they wouldn't wake up.
"No no no... You're fine- stay with me! Please!"
I hadn't even had the privilege of hearing their last words, they had closed their eyes before I had even pulled them to my lap. They still had words left in the brain that I admired, it didn't matter that they hadn't said anything, that they didn't get their 'last words' because they would awaken again. I had to believe that.
My breathing was heavy and shaky as I laid them down on the ground to start CPR. It was the only way they were going to survive the trip to the hospital once the rest of the team got here. I wonder if they could have understood the situation with how distraught I sounded on the phone. When I started the chest compressions my hands wouldn't stop trembling, I could barely keep the compressions at a steady pace. My mental metronome was fracturing as I started to become more frightened for the love of my life.
"Fight, please! Don't give up!"
I felt their ribs cracking as I tried to continue my steady pace of the CPR despite my alarm. I looked for a pulse, there was a faint fluttering heart beat. Right? Yes, there was a heartbeat, I was sure of it. My ears rang like there were church bells in my ears which were soon joined by faint sirens I could hear barely in the distance as I begged for them to stay with me. I wanted to tell them that it was gonna be alright and remind them of less painful times, but the only things I could manage to say in my distressing state were pleas.
A sharp cry of No! that sounded like it was my voice rang out in the air when I started to feel myself being pulled away by a set of hands. When the hands still refused to budge I fought hard, seeing only red. I thought it was the unsub coming back to finish me off. Another set of hands joined the original pair to try and haul me away from the one I loved. Did the unsub have a partner? How could we have missed that? I had to get back to them, what if they hurt them more? What if they killed them?
"Spencer! It's me! It's Morgan!" The words shouted at me by someone that sounded like Morgan seemed so far away. It felt like my head was underwater, drowning in the panic and sorrow that was filling up my lungs. Everything else fell away as unimportant with only one goal in my mind crawling to the forefront.
I had to help them.
"SPENCER!" A female voice shouted hoarsely, which made me focus somewhat. Why were they yelling at me? Why weren't they helping them? I wasn't the one that needed help.
My eyes unblurred as I forced my rage to dissipate slightly in an attempt to figure out what was going on, the figures of Morgan and Emily then became recognizable to me. I registered that it was actually their hands on me. Both of them were in defensive positions and Emily looked frightened of me? Why would she be frightened of me? Why weren't they helping them?
I still wasn't confident that this wasn't some elaborate alternate reality concocted by my subconscious. There was no reason for Emily to be afraid of me, we were colleagues and more importantly friends. All I was trying to do was help and I seemed to be the only one who cared enough to help my injured partner.
But, I realized there was in fact a reason for Emily to be scared of me. She was trying to prevent me from helping the most important person in my life, who was bleeding out on the pavement, close to death. And, the whole team knew I would fight like hell to protect them, she's lucky I didn't fight her and Morgan off more. They were lucky they'd only get a possible faint bruise from my thrashing, rather than what I really wanted to do to them in retaliation for preventing me from helping them.
Though, I had now realized that the hands tugging me away from their hurt body did not in fact belong to two unsubs, I started to try and fight them off again.The paramedics would need to know their medical history- especially their blood type.
I had to help them. Why weren't they helping them?
A soft voice filled with sorrow then joined the rest that I knew belonged to JJ, "Spencer, I know you want to help, but the paramedics are the best thing for them. I already gave them their medical history."
My body relaxed some at JJ's words, glad that the paramedics now had the proper tools to help them. However, my mind was still racing, analyzing everything that had happened so far at a rapid pace. My mind then fixated on JJ's tone of voice- Why did it sound so resigned? Why did she sound like she was resigned to the fact that there was nothing the paramedics could feasibly do? I may not have been in the best mental state, but I could still read the underlying meaning in her voice.
No they couldn't be gone.
I had to help them.
Why was nobody helping them?
One of the paramedics moved forward to check their pulse as was routine and I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, someone was helping them. My hope was dashed when I saw them shake their head to their colleague, panic rose even higher within me. I was sure I was going to drown to death soon myself, all breath had completely left my body at this point.
They couldn't be gone, I refused to believe that.
I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't be left alone again. When I first met them they helped me from plunging into darkness, they had pulled me from the edges of the abyss. I would be weaker than ever before if they left me, I don't think I could survive it. My mind begged for them to fight, maybe my reasons were selfish, but the water was going to drown me soon.
As I saw the bag zipped up that held their body my blood ran cold when reality hit me hard. Morgan and Emily both had to hold me back again from racing back over to their body that was being put into the coroner's van. I screamed in desperation, begging and pleading for them to not give up, that there must be something that they could do. But, the cold harsh reality hung over me like a dark cloud that rained over my head, fully submerging me underwater.
There was no denying it anymore.