Inside I Scream

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As a child I was very competitive. My parents raised me to always be the best in my class. The best manners, the best grades, the best at sports. I never saw any problem with this. I can remember trying so hard on projects and classwork starting in the first grade. My parents always told me that I was capable, and therefore if I did not do the best, it could only be my own fault. At least, that is the way it began to translate in my mind.

I treated sports the same way. They never came as naturally to me as school, but of course I still held the opinion that I needed to be the best or I wasn't good enough. I think this is one of the main factors that influenced the anxiety I have today. Whereas my sister gets anxious in social situations, I only get extremely anxious for presentations or performance type events because I always feel as though people will not think I'm good enough because of the fact that I will never think I'm good enough.

My older sister was born with a minor disorder, which causes some issues with understanding facial expressions and some concepts in the classroom. As a result of this, she was given a tutor when we were growing up and had help from our parents whenever she needed. I know that I sound like a complete brat when I complain of this, but as a young child I often felt left out. I have no memory of my parents ever helping me with my homework or projects. It was because they believed I was capable of doing it on my own, but I just felt abandoned. As you can imagine, my relationship with my sister was pretty much nonexistent until around high school.

When I was younger I would always show my parents my good grades, as I saw my sister do. Where they would praise her, they would only act as if they expected it of me, so my hard earned grades were never a big deal. This may not seem too bad, but it instilled in me this idea that I would never be able to impress my parents. Unfortunately, this is an idea I have never been able to break.

It was not until the sixth grade when I met the girl who would become my closest friend. For the next three years we were inseparable. You know the two girls who the whole school thinks of together because, well, they're always together? That was me and Cassie. It was during those years of our friendship that for the first time I truly didn't feel like I needed to best everyone. I was content with having fun and feeling seen and understood by someone.

Sadly, high school was when everything changed.