The Space Between a Rock and a Hard Place- 5SOS

Chapter Six

Home Sweet Hotel- New Rules

(this song really just captures the whole vibe of this chapter and also... New Rules has great music)

Calum Hood:

After a long day arriving in Seattle, going through soundcheck, and other final steps at the venue, we finally make our way up to our hotel rooms to crash for the night. I observe the bland color scheme. It's your typical room, a private one for each of us, with a bed, desk, bathroom, and the odd chair in the corner. Just another empty, dark room with a very specific smell that becomes a temporary home for a night or two.

I carelessly toss my suitcase on the bed. I've been a mess this whole day. Still can't get my act together after last night, keeping everything inside of me and still shut down. I'm sure the other boys have noticed I'm off, but they don't question it. I'm a quiet person sometimes.

I don't want to unpack anything, there's no point in doing so. I'll just have to repack it in a day.

I take a seat in the lonely chair, much like myself, and look out the window at the skyline, already growing dim. Another night of pain, and I'm lost in my head. There's so many things I long to know, so many unanswered questions swirling around in the whirlpool of my crowded mind.

Does she feel the same way?

I miss driving around without responsibility, listening to music together. I miss seeing her and my sister do their 'girl stuff' together. I even miss our pointless little arguments. I miss the good times and the bad. I miss how she smiled and admired the ink upon my skin. I miss her. It's only been hours, but I can't pull her from my mind. Silly how after months of being away from each other, that one person can flip your life upside down in an instant.

Looking out at the night sky, deep in depression, I was only reminded of the night before. Fighting over stupid things, per usual. And then we gave up just like always, and she fell asleep in my arms, looking up at the same stars I saw now. It felt so wrong to hold her and weave my fingers through her hair, but at the same time... it felt so right. It felt like we were meant to be together in that moment-- now it's just something to unpack and overthink in this hotel room.

How? How would she just magically feel the same way?

We've been friends for years. There isn't a chance it couldn't have just clicked inside her too for the few hours we were together. I looked out at the crowd that night, and saw her standing there, so happy, so free... she was so beautiful.

Should I call her?

No, that's a shit idea. It hasn't been long enough since we left, and that's not a phone conversation. I would completely choke up anyways, I can't even talk about it with Michael.

What am I supposed to do with this feeling?

Well, I'm tired of counting stars. It doesn't help. I force myself up and move the suitcase off the bed, where I place myself next. All I can do is stare at the ceiling, scenarios running through my head. My mind races often, but by now, I've already won the race and I'm just still running.

Maybe I always liked her. Maybe it just never hit me that the affection I felt for her was more than just the close friendship I always thought we had. So much for my heart of steel.

Fuck, I hate feelings. This is all just so stupid. It's complicated and confusing. Love sucks.

I need to sleep. I can't go another night without sleeping. I've got a show to do, with people to please. It's a stressful job sometimes, always looking for the approval of others, even when we are ultimately doing it for ourselves.

Rest. Close your eyes. Clear your mind, your thoughts. Focus. More specifically, focus on the concert. I'll get it together.

Pain.

That's what this playlist is called. I stick my headphones in, press play, and listen to the music quietly, tuning into the problems of the music to block out my own. It'll work to some extent. I'm already in my own pain so why not take in the suffering of others?

Even in my lowest moments, music brings me back. I feel emotions clearer. I understand the melodies and harmonies better than the physical world around me. It made sense. It was my center, each individual note piecing the songs together.

The words are poetry. Seemingly meaningless on the surface until you look from a different angle. Plain as day or a cryptic code for something more. I wish I had the energy to write something right now, it's the only way I feel like I can truly say what I mean.

I felt my eyes finally grow heavy, my body longing to replenish itself and relax. Finally. For a short while, I am free.

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I don't know what to say after all that ahaha, but thank you guys for reading :)