Black Butler : Twin Souls(might continue)

Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Understanding myself...

Master continued to stand in front of the door, showing no interest when I had returned at all. He had turned completely inexpressive, concentrating his attention to the large piece of wood which kept him from entering the room. It doesn't look like, this is going to get anywhere soon. For the past hour, he's been standing there. It's almost time to depart, as well.

I heard him, grunt as he met the door nob halfway. Watching in uncertainty, I wondered what he was planning to do next about the situation. That hand, still deciding, not knowing whether or not to proceed to the handle reminded me of regret.

Sighs left from out his throat, as he placed his hand back to his side solemnly. His eyelids shut, slightly almost looking like they were going through stress. 

"We're going." he instructed before walking away hurriedly, then he tread down the stairs.Not even once did he stop, during each of the footsteps he took down to the front yard. He entered the carriage awaiting for me to follow.

"We'll be back, as soon as it's finished." I told her, hoping that she would soon change her mind.I was right to have expected no response from inside that still, hushed, room.

 [Helicie Phantomhive]

Once again I sit here, huddle up in the same tight corner, when I would get lonely. I didn't understand why, I didn't want to be with anyone at the time. Had it just been, that all of the pressure was finally getting to me? Or was...it just fear? I don't even know anymore.

Facing the wall in front of me, everything that I saw...was red. My mind felt like it was in chaos, when she...

"let...go..." 

Madame's final words, kept resounding in my head reminding me of how I should've felt. How... I should've....felt. 

It was already too late. My brother and butler, had abandonded me again.

Earlier 

I felt the bed become lighter, and figured that Ciel had just gotten out of bed. Yawning, I roughly turned to my side and saw him fully dressed in a black suit with his hair partly slicked back. Rubbing my eyes I sat up at the corner of the bed, then hugged his back from behind.

"What're we getting all dressed up for, Ciel?" I let out a chuckle.

Ciel formed a smile across his face. "Have you really, hit your head that hard?" he was trying to joke, but it had only provoked me.

The only thing I kept on thinking about was why he would choose to get ready this early. The question had eluded me. I know that he wasn't going out with Elizabeth, or he would've said something to me.

Suddenly, my chest had become ten times heavier.

"Oh...that's right.."I didn't feel like talking to him anymore. 

"You should get ready, too." his face returned back to its normal look.

Feeling suddenly angry, I backed away from him and kept still in bed. Somehow, now I feel guilty. But I hadn't done anything, bad. So, if it had been that bad...and I didn't do anything...god, what's wrong with me?

I lifted my head, looking up to see that Ciel started staring at me over his shoulder, as If he did something wrong to upset me.  

"What's the matter, Helci?" he asks sounding a bit confused and slightly concerned.

"Nothing." I close my eyes. "I'm just not going."

Crawling over to my side of the bed, I pulled the sheets over my body and tried going back to sleep.The next thing I knew, I felt the bed getting more heavy. The second time I looked over at Ciel, his eyes were glued on mine again.

In a frenzy I pushed him off of the bed, and watched as he fell to the ground. I just wanted to scream at him so badly, but I didn't understand why...He hadn't done anything yet...

"What's wrong with you!?" I shouted, covering my mouth.

He had  been sitting on the floor calmly, even after what I had just did to him. Ciel wasn't angry at me, but in his eyes...he had been troubled...worried...and a bit sad. How, could he stand to live with me....wouldn't he have hated me by now? I know...he sees me as a push over, he sees me as the weak one, and the damaged one...I know that. Even if he dosen't say any of it....he is thinking it. That's what I always thought, but yet he would still come back and hold me close like a big brother would. Then Ciel would say,"It's fine. So, stop crying."

My throat began to tighten, as I knew that I was going become irrational. I want to escape myself...throw away my...everything....if I could be normal again.

Ciel sighed with that silly grin again. That same cocky grin, that he would give me when in a competitive  game. The one, where he would be right about something I wasn't. 

"Sister, what's come over you all of a sudden?" he said. "I know, that somethings wrong. So stop trying to act, this way. You have me, right?" now he begun looking, heartbroken. "If that's all you need...is me...then why are you so sad all the time...why are you crying....why do I always see you so sad?"

"I'm not crying-"

"Yes, sister, you are."

My brother got up from the floor, that I had just pushed him on. He walked over to me, making me become somewhat scared inside....I hadn't been crying, I hadn't been crying at all...so then, why does it feel like....

Ciel put one of his knees on the bed and placed one hand next to my lap. As his other hand came near my face, again I had frozen up. The back of his finger had been placed right on my cheek,

"But...I'm not...."

My eyes, had been like an unending water faucet. And the water had been dripping down onto his finger, every second. I hadn't been crying though...I haven't...But the tears were there. They were real, just like yesterday had been real. Just like that fateful meeting back then.  Just like the fire....

"You have been crying...for a very long time..." 

Why...doesn't he just....

"Ciel...okay." 

As soon as he got back up, I followed behind him and an impulse inside of me...when Ciel had walked out of that door, the first thing that came back in my head was Aunt Ann, rushing the knife down my head. I slammed the door shut, then turned the lock.

"Helci...come on." he sighed, from the outside.

I couldn't even believe what I had just done, yet I continued heading for the corner and just sat there ignoring his sounds of pleading. I blocked everything out, and just stared into my lap..into the dark....then muted the rest of the world. I regret it...

Now what am I going to do....

"What an idiot...."

I heard the carriage that pulled up in front of the manor from earlier, drive away. That was just about the only sound that I let in before returning to listening to the  hsilence.  I'm pathetic...