No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

All This Time

Dan-

I woke up to a pounding headache and a sore throat. 'Ugh' I moaned rolling over to my phone that had so rudely awoken me. It was PJ. Again. He had been calling me every morning for the past week to make sure I was ok. He was the only one that knows about my cutting. I pressed the green button and held the phone up to my ear. “Hey Dan, hope I didn't wake you. Umm hey I was just wondering if you'd give me a ride this morning, I missed the bus?”

I shook my head, this was typical PJ. Forgetting to set his alarm or something and then relying on others to do things for him, but none the less he was my friend and it was my duty to help him out. “I'll be there in fifteen.” I hung up before he could reply. This is definitely not how I wanted to start my day.

I walked into the bathroom and jumped in the shower. As I got out I checked the clock on the wall 7:40. “Shit!” I quickly threw on my skinny jeans, checkered shirt and vans, grabbed my keys and ran out the door.

Last night my Father came home. He is a multimillionaire, who owns one of the worlds largest fishing companies. He has a trophy wife that drinks to dull her sorrows and a sixteen year old son who hates his fake life. This isn't the life I wanted. To be constantly put on display. Never loved or cared for just expected of. My fathers never home and when he arrived home last night from his trip to Beijing he through a fit and started hitting my mum. I guess what they say is true. Never judge a book by it's cover.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I arrive outside PJ's house. He is standing on the curb looking completely bored. I beep, making him jump, he laughs and then walks over to me. “About time,” he jokes. “Just get in.” I'm tired and not in the mood. PJ's face falls and he climbs into the black leather seat next to me. We drive away silently.

As we turn into the next street, I notice a guy about our age walking on the pavement. He has a black hood on and black skinny jeans on, kind of like mine. I notice his deep black hair and immediately know who it is. “LESTER” I shout. He shakes his head and keeps walking. PJ finally notices that I've slowed down and says “Why are we talking to this loser?” I ignore him and shout again “LESTER”. He finally turns and a look of recognition covers his face. He starts to run and we laugh he trips and stumbles to the concrete pavement going unconscious.

My laughter ends immediately but PJ still chuckles next to me.”We should help him.” I say.

“Him?” PJ laughs a look of astonishment on his face.

“Yes, him, we can stuff him in his locker while he's unconscious.” I said half-heartedly.

“Yeah!” PJ nods enthusiastically.

I pulled over and stopped the car. I hopped out of my side. “Want some help?” PJ questioned?

“Nah I'm good” was my simple reply. PJ stays in the car and I head towards Lester. I long to see the face I have tormented for years. I push him onto his back, taking notice of his nose at a funny angle. 'Ugh' he moaned, taking me by surprise. I go to chuck him over my shoulder when I notice his wrists. They are covered with small cuts all the way up to the elbow on both arms. 'They're exactly like mine.' I think to myself. I quickly throw him over my shoulder and place him rather gently into the back seat of my red jeep. PJ looks at me confused. “Change of plans,” I say. “We are taking him to the emergency room.” PJ looks more confused than ever but slowly nods his head.

'What have I done! All this time he's been cutting too.' Then a thought registered in my mind. 'What is its because of me? No, I'm just being delusional.' I close my eyes then get back into the car and head for the emergency room. Making a quick last minute decision I drop PJ off at school. “I'm glad you changed your mind man, I thought you were going soft.” he adds a self conscious laugh to the end. My face goes hard. “Leave me alone and get the fuck out of my car!” He scrambles out and walks inside the gates just as the first bell goes.

I head towards the hospital and debate going in. I could just dump him and drive away. After about ten minutes of prep talking myself I pluck up the courage to go inside. As I do two nurses rusk over to me and carry Lester over to a transportable bed. I am whisked away before I get the chance to see the face that is causing feelings that I don't know how to explain. I sit in the waiting room and after waiting for about and hour a nurse who looks about in her fifties comes up to me. “ Are you hear for the boy with the black hair?” her voice is tired and I can tell she is bored. I nod and she motions be to follow her. She leads me to a small private room and I sit in the chair closest to Phil. 'Lester, Dan his name is Lester.' I shake my head. I go to ask the nurse a question but she's gone.

I'm sorry Lester. I didn't know, but this can never happen again. Ok? I know you can hear me. For fucks sake PHIL!” Nothing happened he didn't even flinch. I slowly sit down in my chair and curse myself for being such and asshole. “Ugh” I get up and leave. Before I leave I go up to the main emergency desk and give her my credit card details. He owes me big time. I walk outside and sit in my jeep. The smell of disinfectant still in my mind. “Why on earth did you do that Daniel?” I whisper to my self. I drive away, having no idea where to go and having no idea why I felt this way.

And still that thought lingered, does he cut  because of me?