Young and innocent

A girl,
once so innocent,
yet she was affected by the virus,
the trauma, not so innocent anymore.

It was her fault,
why did she trust a boy she just met.

She tried hard to make the pain go away,
and finally it did,
but that opened that grand oak door of numbness.

All she wanted was to feel,
at a young age of 13,
That was her wish.

Time went by fast,
she was numb for months,
and then the virus hit her again,
harder this time.

She was betrayed,
by someone she thought trustworthy,
her fault,
she should have never shared her secrets.

Time went again,
but this poor innocent girl was never immune,
she got hit again.
Worse.

It was her fault,
she kissed him back.

She was numb all over again,
worse this time,
she had no-one but herself.

She was desperate to feel again,
she tried alcohol but she felt out of control.

She kissed many,
many boys and told many,
many lies,
but she was still numb.

Life for her was hell,
ruined,
She was only 13.

Now a young girl of 14,
a new start.

Older,
wiser,
or so she thought.

Still numb.

Losing hope it would ever go away.

What can she do?
She didn't want to die, or did she?

She hid her pain so well,
not even her mother could see her begging to feel,
begging but never heard.

Make friends they said,
she did,
but they left her too.

Numb.

That's all she felt.

Young and ruined.

That's how her story goes,
but the pages kept turning.

Watch this,
there's a really hot guy in it,
what they told her.

She wished she never did,
she didn't know the pain it would soon cause.

She watched as the boy who lived lost everyone.
She felt a sense of familiarity, a connection to the boy.

She watched as the boy with no choice struggled to find his voice.
She felt an attraction, a need to make that blonde feel.

Stop.

They are not real,
they are only fictional.

She needed more.
She read the 7 books,
and she read over 200 fanfictions.

She cried,
and mourned for every loss.

She felt homesick.
No.
She was homesick.

She lay on her bed,
crying,
imagining her life with them.

This girl was no longer numb,
she wished she was though.

This was worse than she could ever imagine.

The numb replaced the pain,
But now the pain is back.

What was left of her friends would tell her it was just movies,
just books.

Some would watch for the boys,
They are hot,
They said.

But they are lucky.

These books,
These movies made this poor no longer innocent girl feel.

But they were not real.

She could not touch them,
she could never receive the love she gave them.

It was then when this young girl understood something.

Yes,
The boy who lived gave her a reason to live.

But this boy also made her realize that she was needed somewhere else.

How to get there,
Shift they said.

This girl,
did as they said,
followed the rules,
but from August-February nothing happened.

It killed her,
almost as if the virus hit her again.

She lay in bed at three in the morning with a tear stained face just wanting to be loved.

She never gave up,
she tried.

How else can she get there?

What else can she do?

She knows the pills in cabinet,
she hears them begging to be swallowed.
She ignores it.

She sees the loaded metal in the basement,
The trigger screaming to be pulled.
She ignores it.

She sees the high ledge.
Get back they said you might slip.
She stayed.

With the stars,
her only true friends,
they listened to her.

Falling wouldn't be so bad she would think.

Her last minutes on earth were spent thinking about the boy who lived,
and maybe she could be the girl who lived.

But not in this story.

She was the girl who got to fly.

She flew until she hit the ground.

I never found out if the once innocent girl got to meet her love.

Only because,
I am the girl.

But I was not brave.
I never flew.

At the end of the day,
I knew I wasn't enough,

Whatever I did wasn't enough,
Whatever I said wasn't enough.

I simply wasn't enough.

I didn't want to experience the pain of death,
But somehow the pain of living seemed worse.
Because maybe death hurts less than life.

"Don't pity the dead,
Pity the living,
And above all, those who live without love."

I stayed numb.

There is no end to my story.

Yet.

*Maybe in another life we will meet again,
I will do everything in my power to find you.*