Bad For You

thirteen

Somehow life is even more bland than before.

It's been two weeks since I last spoke to Theo. I make it a point to avoid him as much as possible. When I see him in the halls, I turn and go in the other direction. When I'm forced to walk by him, I act like he doesn't exist.

Throughout all this, Hannah and I start hanging out with Kitty and Eva more. It's weird becoming friends with them when I'm no longer anything with Theo, but they make a conscious effort to separate themselves from him. I think they know something happened between us, but they never bring it up which I'm grateful for. 

"So you guys are definitely going on the class trip, right?" Kitty asks at lunch.

"Hell yes," Hannah replies. "I'm so excited."

I take a bite from my shrimp and avocado salad and chew, swallowing before speaking. "Where's the trip again?"

Eva stares at me incredulously. "Are you kidding? Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore! It's like one of the top ten most beautiful places in Michigan!"

"The waterfalls and cliffs," Kitty says dreamily. "It's picture heaven."

Honestly I hadn't been paying much attention to the details of the class trip. Between keeping up with my classes and ballet, there was little time to think of anything else. But this trip sounded exactly like the break I needed.

Unfortunately my mother doesn't seem to think so.

"I don't think you should go," she says that night at dinner. "I mean it's beautiful of course but the hiking trails...they're dangerous. What if you injure yourself?"

I roll my eyes. "Every time I dance I run the risk of injuring myself."

"Yes but that's different. I just don't think you should take any unnecessary risks."

"What's next, you're going to forbid me from walking in case I accidentally trip and injure myself?"

My mother gives me a sharp look. "Watch the attitude. I'm only looking out for you."

"By restricting me!" I yell. "You realize my entire life has always revolved around ballet! I am so sick and tired of just sitting down while my life passes me by! I want to go out and experience new things and have fun!"

"Fun?" My mother scoffs. "Please. You think I didn't have the same thoughts at your age? I wanted the same things you want. To go out and experience new things and have fun," she says the word like it's dirty. "And you know what happened? I got pregnant. That's what happens when you have fun. I had to grow up and take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. Now I have scarified too much for you to just throw it all away because of your little woe is me act."

I stand up from the dining table so fast my chair nearly falls back. "I am not you!" I shout. "I'm sorry that you had to give up on your dreams, but that sounds like your mistake. Your actions are not a reflection of mine! Just because you fucked up doesn't mean I'll do the same!"

The room goes silent.

My mother swallows, and my chest rises and falls rapidly from the adrenaline coursing through me. It feels like an eternity passes, neither of us saying anything, just staring at each other. Finally she stands up from the table and without another word walks out of the room. The click of her room door shutting behind her echoes loudly in my ears. I'm not sure how long I'm left standing there until somehow I force my legs to move.

I stumble into my room and grab my phone, my hands shaking. Immediately I open up my messages and text Hannah.

Me: i just got into a really bad fight with my mom