7 Bowls

Bowl 1

There is a way to experience nirvana and become reincarnated without spending years in some far-flung monastery or cave in the middle of Pakistan. A way to end your suffering without having to activate your seven chakras, struggle to perform downward dog, or perform complicated feats of kama sutra. The way to experience nirvana and become reincarnated is to perform a long-forgotten ritual from Tibet's criminal underbelly. This ritual is called B'dun Ting, otherwise known as Seven Bowls. Beware that this ritual is far from peaceful. This ritual will require you to perform the unthinkable and to gamble with death and fates worse than. So to maximize your chances of experiencing nirvana and becoming reincarnated, you must know these instructions like the back of your hand and follow them like clockwork.

Before you can begin, you must acquire the following items:

- A Singing bowl. Be sure to pick one that gives off a big pure sound. This will indicate that you have good karma.

- A Phurba (Tibetan Ritual Dagger)

- A Vajra Flaying Knife

- Either a, Kukri (Gurkha Machete), Dpa'dam (traditional Tibetan sword), Mdung (traditional Tibetan spear), Tabarzin (Indo-Persian Battle Axe), or Khakkhara (Pewter Staff).

- Oatmeal

- Chatra Singhasan (A miniature golden Tibetan throne with umbrella)

- Noose

- Melong Mirror

- Two Kennels

Now that you have everything you need, you will need to find an abandoned graveyard (preferably one near your hometown). If you perform this ritual anywhere else, it won't work. Once you find the cemetery, you'll need to remember where it is, as you won't be able to use your phone, GPS, or even a paper map to find it. On the first night, only take your singing bowl, nothing more, nothing less.

It is essential to show that you are willing to leave behind your life and possessions for the ritual. If you do show up with any of your personal belongings, then the ritual won't work. When you get to the graveyard, sit in front of a tombstone. This is your last chance. If you are married or in a committed relationship, abort the ritual. Once you strike the bowl, there is no turning back. Are you committed to reclaiming the breath of life and all the pleasures that come with it? Good, then let's begin.

Declare, "I renounce all that tethers me to this world." Close your eyes and ring the bowl. Pure, deep, glossy, and resonant tones waft into the night. Cool spring water washes over you, melting away the tension and pulling you deeper into the cold. The near-silence between the strikes and swells of the bowl saturate the night air. Soft crystalline moans pan from one ear and glitch to the next. Don't stop ringing. You do not want to get seduced by the first Dharmapala.

Tender and juicy Filet Mignon melts away in your mouth, lapped down by the liquid smoke of fine Islay Scotch. Keep ringing the bowl and resist the urge to give in. Miniature skyscrapers of cash appear on the tomb before your very eyes and blow away like Mandalas in the moonlit wind. Keep ringing the bowl. Do not take possession. Voices cheering your name explode everywhere alongside fireworks. Strike the bowl one last time and mute it. Then put on your robe, and open your eyes.

In front of you will be two skeletons, dancing within a ring of fire. If you have managed to focus on the sound of the bowl and not give in to the snares of earthly and carnal possessions, congratulations. You have passed the first trial in one piece. However, if you lost yourself in the blur of attachment, your skeleton will transmogrify into an ivory tree. You will be rooted down by your attachments, literally. This is only the first trial. Can you pass the other six?